Monday, November 9, 2009

Adding up.

For those of you who don't know, I got my Bachelor's Degree in Mathematics this past spring. I'm very familiar with math. I've taken up to Calculus 5 in school.2+2=4, 5 * 4 = 20, the derivative of 2X is 2, Pi equals 3.14...etc. But I really wish in life things added up that simply.

You can save money, and eventually it will add up to a lil something so you can buy those pair of shoes or go on that trip you've been dying to go on. You can be there for your friends, and it adds up to a friendship that will last for years. You can do all your duties at work and maybe just maybe you will get that promotion or a bigger desk. But sometimes you can be there for someone, when no one else was, and it just doesn't add up to anything.

Yes, there is a certain person I'm talking about so I gotta ask something of everyone here.

What are things that you do for someone that you would hope would add up to a real friendship or perhaps a real relationship?

I have a friend that he is one of those guys who is the, "Oh I don't need anybody or anything" type of people. However when he's upset he always needs somebody. Everyone gets upset sometimes. I've been there for this guy tons of times. He'll have a bad day at work, a relationship will fall apart, no one will show up to his birthday, he was upset that his doggie died, or days where he feels lonely. But I have to leave this guy. He is just a drain on my humanity. He brings me down, when I'm up. But if I'm not there to help him out...who would be? I thought being there would add up to something, something real, something I could feel in my gut...but I still got taken advantage of when I least expected it even just as a friend.

How can you walk away from a friend who you know needs someone to be there for them?

Out of all the math classes I've taken, I've never had such a logic problem or a calculation problem that was this deep & where I don't have enough paper or pens to sit and solve it.

I'm still emotionally up from the possibilities of my new group of friends but I got side-swiped by this detour and I unfortunately clicked the "Follow" box.

But the weirdest thing happened today that turned my frown upside down sorta speak... Where I live there is a lot of rainbows. Maybe because there's mountains or there's wide open spaces so you can see a large stretch of sky...but I've seen probably about 5 in my life. Well today makes 6. What was soooo weird was it was an Upside Down Rainbow!!!!!!! I don't know what to make of it. This is a real picture that I took earlier today. I SWEAR I did NOT flip this picture!!

So there you have it. The sky smiled at me. I've tried to not curse on this blog, (I do a lot in real life), but What the fuck?? I guess everything will somehow be okay if you look at the sky and it's smiling down at you. What do you think?

The gears in my mind are turning...turning ever so much. It will work out, it will add up...just this odd weird awkward time between things is just a lil hard to see past. If this ends in losing a friend, I wish I didn't have to say this, but so be it. I think I'm seeing the movie, "Precious" tomorrow with Erin so that will be fun. I'll write a non-spoiler review tomorrow. Til Tomorrow...

"Let me see you through,
cuz I've seen the dark side too."

- I'll stand by you, The Pretenders


Susan R. Mills said...

Amazing! No wonder you used the 'f' word. I would love to have the sky smile at me. How incredible was that?

Jessica Samantha said...

THat's goosh.
Not gosh.
As in "gush".
that's amazing!!!

ryder said...

congrats on your diploma. Mathematics seems so hard. hope you ll have your ma soon.

Brent said...

That's nuts! I think I've seen an upside-down rainbow only once, and it was while I was snowboarding, which made it ten times more memorable. This just reminded me of it. Hmm. I don't know what to say about your predicament there, it really is a hard position to be in. But I also know that a relationship that drains a person like that, with no balance -- with the giving and the taking, or just the smother-y feel of it can't be good for a person's happiness. But I also think it's cool that you saw the positivity in it all. The silver lining gets us by!

Barry said...

Hi Melanie, you know I think you're terrific, I love your writing and hanging around your blog. But it's reality-check time, because the first thing that needs to change is your approach to this situation. What makes this guy a 'friend'?

-you're always there for him, he's not there for you
-he doesn't show appreciation for your help
-you said no one else is there for him, that should tell you something. Do you think maybe it's because he doesn't appreciate them either and they've wised up to that?
-you hung out with a new group of people and had a great time right away. You've known him much, much longer and most of the time he brings you down. What do you make of that?

There's not much I can say here that I haven't said already. It's much easier for a person to stand outside a situation and see things clearly without emotions (rose-coloured glasses) clouding things. It's very easy for me to sit here and tell you what you should do.

So if you can't cut him loose completely, I think your dependence on him needs to change big-time. You don't need to wait around for this guy to validate you, to recognize what a wonderful person you are. Keep him in your life if you choose to, but I think you need to start looking elsewhere for support and companionship (both platonic and romantic).

They way I see it, you're at a crossroads. The time you're spending with Mr. Wrong is time wasted finding Mr. Right.

You can add up all the checks and balances, make a list of pros and cons and look at it logically. But when it comes down to it, it's not a question of logic. It's a matter of the heart. You KNOW what the answer is Melanie, it's already inside you.

My e-mail address is on my profile, I'm always around if you want to toss this around, messy or not.


Keith said...

I was always terrible at math. I think everybody needs somebody whether they want to admit it or not. We need those people to turn to when times are rough. Also we need people when we want to celebrate certain events. Nobody needs to be alone. That's cool about the sky smiling at you. I'd love to see that myself. I know I could use it after some of the rough times in my life.

Melanie's Randomness said...

You all are absolutely right. I know, that it's just a matter of time & you gotta let people out of your life. People can't survive with toxic relationships weighing them down. I know that now. I promised myself in this blog that I would be true to my real emotions & project them to you all, without leaving out the pieces so it's better to understand my writing. This is the blog of a 20-something & everyday is a rollercoaster. =) Thank you for all the encouragement. It's helping me see the rainbow...really & mentally.

S.Elisabeth said...

Calculus 5...*shivers in terror* I'm in Calculus 1 (I think...) and it's difficult!

But I think you need to separate yourself from this guy. He's obviously selfish and despite your wish to have a strong friendship, he is simply like a disease, sucking the life out of you. Remember misery loves company, so he probably wants you just as miserable as him.

A Perfect Peach said...

it's so hard to let go of things sometimes, but toxic relationships are harsh to all parts of your body. good luck, girl.

and hey, I got a math degree, too. i do communications now, so I don't really use it all that much,'s to fellow calc lovers! yay!

carissajade said...

That's a tricky one... Does he make you feel better when you're down? I think that you just have to decide if it's worth it... I know how you feel though....

AND MATH? you crazy, girl!

drollgirl said...

wow! i don't know where to start!

a math major?!?!? HORRORS! good for you, but i would have shot myself if that was my major! geometry in high school was a fucking nightmare for me! all i could think in that class was WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? i love adding, subtracting, multiplying and dividing and that is IT. the rest is beyond me! well, algebra was ok, but that is it.

so....about the guy that you give and give to and he is never there for you. that is not good. i think a lot of women feel that way in relationships. i sure have. so my advice would be to tell this guy that you are breaking off the friendship. and HOPEFULLY he asks why (regardless, you can just tell him). and then be straight with him and tell him about all the countless times you have been there for him, and that he doesn't reciprocate, and that it is unfair, and that it makes you angry. he can mend his ways or hit the road.

and an upside down rainbow?!? WTF?!?!?!?!?!

Sierra said...

A friend is many things in my mind, but mainly what comes to mind is loyalty and consistency. Without both of these it is really hard to maintain the relationship. Also...that rainbow is so awesome, you certainly blessed with a smiley rainbow for sure!

P.S. I give you props for being a math major, I am soooo bad at math!

Farnnay said...

I feel the same way sometimes. but I dont think i have it as bad as you do. actually i dont even think my situation is bad.

but good for you, for staying there for your friend. I hope that he returns the favor sooner rather than later.

and awesome picture. im glad it made ur day brighter :)

ChinkyGirLMeL said...

Oh my gosh! What a sight! Anyhow... Know what sweetie? There are people who are like that. They are what I call toxic friends. But real friends can be honest with each other and take things constructively. Have you tried talking to your toxic friend about his attitude and why everyone around him slowly disappears? It might help, though it would really sting to hear something like that but at least he would know and hopefully he would take it positively. I've tried that before and that person and I ended up being great friends and it's nice to see that her personality really blossomed and she is a better person today. well that's just my two cents. =)

Pixel Wild Child said...

Hello babe!!! Sorry I've been missing for a few days ;O)!!! This guy... you really believe there is people who don't need anyone? I don't believe it... we all do... and if he has the need to show or prove that side of himself is maybe because he is just scared? scared on depending on others? of letting himself go?... weird... I don't believe it myself.
(The sky was indeed smiling at you! Fabulous photo! I wish i was there to see that ;O))
Have a lovely Wednesday pretty girl!

Carlos Alberto Silva said...

Hello mon cher, a kiss on you!
Come back, keep following ^^

"I'd like my work to let the person who wears it be whatever she is" - Haider Ackermann


Unknown said...

If only life were as easy as a math equation...I'm terrible at math but I like to think that I'm getting better at life. :)

Anonymous said...

It's Secretia, thanks for following my blog, Secret Story Time. I'm following you too!
I love rainbows, and I stop my watch to look at them, whenever they appear.


Cathi said...

You need to have people in your life that uplift you, not bring you down!

That is an awesome picture of the sky smiling!

Have a great day!

debra@dustjacket said...

Oh love your rainbow :)

Math my goodness I'm so bad at clever girl.

Friends are ones who want the best for you and love you for who you are, who you can laugh with... cut this one loose girlfriend...just simply be unavailable.

Jack Daniel said...

Just swear. Let it all out, because if you collect all your feelings inside, you'll experience an explosion inside of you: it's called a heart attack. So let it alllll out.
And about your friend. If he drags you into his problems / bad situations stop with that because you'll end up wasting your own lifetime. All these hours you've put into him, they won't come back and you've grown a couple of hours older...
And you have a B in Mathematics: one day you realise you just hit 35 and haven't done anything. So, follow your dreams. The faster you follow your dreams, the longer it takes to grow old.


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