Don’t be “THAT” Person, Okay? It Will Cost You Friends…

Twenty-somethings are notorious for their big groups of friends, having “The” bar they always hang out at, and routine outings. BUT all of this changes when a certain event happens. One of the group will meet someone to date. We’ve all done it, it’s okay to admit it…drop your friends for the first few days or weeks of the new relationship. It’s COMPLETELY understandable that those first dates are going to be one-on-one time with the new person and then slowly but surely the couple will integrate back into the groups of friends and hang out. However then you have “those” friends who drop everybody except for the new significant other and you never see them again….that really should be unacceptable friend behavior. I mean it…

Recently CJ got a few buddies of his together to start the promise of a band. They were all excited for their jamming sessions and I was a 110% supportive of this change. They had a few songs they all agreed on to work with and the reality of true possibility was staring them in the face. Alas, it was staring them in the face. The lead guitarist met a girl…

It’s very soon to say if this will be the downfall of this band dream but I’ve seen this happen countless times before. An ex-friend of mine, the second he got a girlfriend, dropped all of his friends & a film-making dream and only hung out with her friends. CJ’s best friend Sean only hangs out with the girlfriend and her friends. Another instance here and yet another instance there. It’s an epidemic. 

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I’m hoping that this isn’t the case with CJ’s band. He was so happy about the band and like me the winter is not kind to our emotions. We both have seasonal effectiveness disorder and I thought this could be his light for the dark winter.  Mine will be my novel that will be done this winter. His should be his music. There is another band member that CJ hasn’t really talked to yet about the other’s “new girlfriend” so I wonder if two against one will push the other guy to do some very serious time management so they all won’t hate him. Lol.

Guys will be guys tho. I don’t know…I’m wishing CJ some luck in all of this. Lots of luck! 

*Crossing my Fingers*

Today’s Question:

Have You Had a Friend Disappear into a Relationship? Do You Think There is Anyway to Prevent it?

I Can’t Bring Myself to Go...I Can’t...

Yesterday I got invited to an “I’m back” party of one of my ex’s best friends. I knew this friend for 4 years, I even have a wedding “Save the Date” card from his almost marriage, and he is a great guy. But, unfortunately when I decided never to call the Mess again, I lost a few friends in the process. It was hard to let the time go by without texting and calling but I knew I had to leave almost 2 years ago. What hurt most was leaving the friendship and his friends that ultimately became my friends throughout the years. However I have to stick to my decision to close that door of the past. 

I feel guilty declining because this guy was my friend. I know the Mess won’t be there so I could actually go free and clear to the party. I don’t know if the Mess’s girlfriend will be there but she is negligible in all of this I could care less. I hate him, not her. It’s just all so awkward.

I remember the day when another one of these mutual friends apparently saw a look of sadness in my eyes when I found out some stupid drama and told me softly but sternly, “If you’re going to leave Melanie, just leave. Don’t make it long and drawn out…just leave and don’t look back.” They all knew too it was a matter of time before I would stop hanging out because they knew it was impossible to be friends with someone like the Mess. It wasn’t even a relationship I had with that guy. It was a toxic “friendship with benefits” unspoken deal that I let go too far. I developed feelings and the Mess didn’t. He couldn't wait for me to leave because I didn't phase him anymore. Jerk. 

Anywho...the friend...I declined the invitation and said simply I can't make it, welcome back. It's all I can do. I can't go back. I have CJ now, a new place to live, a new job, a new outlook on life...I'm completely different anyway from 2 years ago. I doubt they'd recognize me mentally. Well Sarah Conor was not the same from Terminator to Terminator 2. People change and have to stick to their decisions. Sorry dude...can't make it. Maybe one day...just not yet. 

Do you still hang out with your Ex's Friends? How do you deal with Similar Situations??

What a Marathon of Stupidity...

 

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Ever feel like your in a daze? A simple daze that clouds everything. My life is taking me all over and this last weekend I regret my decisions. You’re supposed to live life without regrets but this weekend was nothing that was promised. I put trust in a friend that I’ve had problems with before because she can be a selfish bitch and the worse part of it all is that she knows it. She constantly reminds me that “Yeah I’ve been a horrible person to you” etc. She is perhaps one of my oldest friends because I’ve known her about 15 years but that time means nothing to her. This weekend solidified that fact…but I knew better which is why I think I’m so angry and irritated. 

Three strikes and your out in baseball. I should have left and remained gone from that friendship after those 3 strikes. Now it’s a countless amount. I’m really not sure why I stayed friends with her…probably the time we’ve been friends is what keeps me and some common bonds. She will act perfectly normal when it’s just her and me. Near other people…that is a different story. I feel more like her babysitter than her friend and she is actually a year older than me.  She just wants her fun and that’s about it. She could care less who gets hurt in the crossfire. Seriously.

I was promised a weekend up in Rhode Island of clams, tubing, beach time, a birthday bash party, a bar on the beach etc…It all got destroyed by her bringing a certain drug that basically turned the people into zombies and when you give children candy they will eat it all in one sitting. The 21 years old took to it like a fly to a zapper. I don’t do these certain activities so literally over the course of the weekend I just collected dust on the sidelines. She thought they would have the drug fun for a little while and then return to the so-called party. Nope. The WORST part of it all was that a second drug was brought by one of these kids and my friend lied about doing it as well. When I asked if she had taken it she said, “No we’re going to do it later”. LIE. I guess she’s embarrassed by this bad habit but I don’t really give a damn. She ruined my weekend, my mini vacation that was one of my only set of 4 days off til April of next year.

I told her how infuriated I was with her and she just sat in silence and was like “I’m sorry there is no excuse.” If it was the first time I had heard this from her I might have let it slide and said yeah you’re a drug addict you need help. But this is the icing on a long list.  People just suck sometimes. I would have much rather stayed home and spent the time with CJ but no. He even persuaded me to go because he thought I’d have a lot of fun. I would have with the advertised weekend. Not the shit show it turned into. 

Now I’m not sure if they are solvable between her and I and then Cj…I think he’s sick of me having bad days. Everyone has bad days but I’m having a marathon. He wants to have fun and be happy yet I seem to be stuck in the mud. I really didn’t need to have this stupidity happen with this idiot friend of mine. I won’t return her texts. Maybe she’ll really get the picture. Maybe. I hope Cj and I get over this rough patch of time. I don't want to lose him either. I hope.

Couldn’t Have Wished a Better Meeting for Our Relationship...

“If you like pina coladas and getting caught in the rain then I’m the lady that you’re looking for…”

CJ and I met at 8pm yesterday and it was a successful meeting. I went in there hoping we were the pina colada song…both people forgetting who we were in the relationship. We are not back together because we both came to the realization we can not just go back to what it was between us. I was assertive & called him a belittling asshole and he agreed that he has been pretty much a distant monster and he couldn’t tell me why he did it. In this “space” time, he realized he is insecure and is a brat and it was truly not me that was the problem. The problem apparently was that I was a great girlfriend to him and he couldn’t handle it. For the life of me I can’t fathom that but in relationships you have to realize that there were other girlfriends before you and people will rack up baggage and they can honestly believe they don’t deserve a good girlfriend for whatever reason. That is NO excuse for trying to destroy a good person’s self-esteem or confidence and try to change them. He wanted us to fight but we were fighting except I wasn’t a bitch when I was fighting…I was a concerned girlfriend that was trying to argue not scream at him whereas he expected the bitch from all that has happened in his past. That is seriously messed up. I was trying to be an adult in a real relationship and he wasn’t and he fully admits he was wrong.

Also we realized from LITERALLY from the first 10 minutes of our first date that was over a year ago there has been a pressure on us that shoved us literally into the serious category and we BOTH crumpled under it. Part of it is his fault, making me tell him I could see him in my future and answer if he was the “one” after 3 dates. He was so afraid of wasting time with someone that he shackled himself to me before he knew me and before time went by AND our parents worked together which we didn’t know when we first met.  That made the relationship serious almost immediately. We were boyfriend and girlfriend before we knew it and lost the fun and sparkle. I was working at trying to bring it back but we both got too comfortable and he stopped trying to be a good boyfriend. It was my fault too, not to speak up more constructively and let this continue on where I was being mentally hurt.

It was weird hearing someone say “I don’t want to have to work so hard at a relationship” but it’s not that hard. Is it so hard to tell someone that they look pretty in that dress? So hard to put your arm around your girlfriend when she is crying? So hard to not be an asshole to a girl who loves you? So hard to hang out with her and not play your guitar the whole time? No it isn’t too hard and I asked if he wanted a girlfriend at all…because it truthfully sounded like he didn’t want the responsibility of having someone in his life. We don’t have to be constantly doing bf/gf stuff but you can’t shut someone out either from your life. Which brings us to where our relationship status is now…

We are together but we are on a break so we both can collect ourselves more. He needs to figure out who the fuck he is because he lost it. He lost himself in his own actions. He admits that fact which I think is promising. He needs to realize that there is a difference between being an honest man and a blunt asshole. He needs to realize that he is almost 30 years old and the world does not revolve around him and will not cater to him hand and foot. And I…I need to sit back and really think if I want to be with him after all of this. I do love him but if he isn’t willing to be a good boyfriend or can’t handle the responsibility of being in a relationship then I have to say goodbye when the 2 week break is up. 

 He walked me to my car and said a line he used from our first date. “I don’t usually kiss on the first date” and then kissed me. It was a different kiss and I could feel it. Different because he put his hand on my face and caressed my cheek. It wasn’t a sexual kiss but a kiss of love. I felt it. It felt like the guy I met a year ago peeked through again.

I still am uncertain what’s going to happen between Cj and I but it looks like it will be a hopeful better future for both of us. Till Tomorrow…

Today I woke up...and Opened my eyes and embraced this break....

I heard "Torn" by Natalie Imbruglia today and I cried the last time. I heard that song and then got a pen and began to write. Began to write everything down I want to say to CJ. Somehow today I came up for air from a suffocating feeling. I realized him and I have grown apart and this break is a true turning point. If he meant all those demeaning things and doesn't care that he hurt me then I'm gone. If he doesn't mean them then what the fuck? How can you feel secure in a relationship where your boyfriend is criticizing everything. How can you feel secure when he's asking you to take off the pretty dress because it makes him feel like a he's not dressed good enough. I'm a nice person because I am nice and that is who I've always been. I'm not a bitch and when I talked to him about hurting my feelings he was supposed to stop. If he can ensure me that he will be there for me and be supportive then that's different. If he can't promise me that he will be there...that's not fair to me and I will have to leave.

I wrote it all down and I will read it to him. I did text him today to tell him "I need and want to talk to you". He responded immediately "I'm nervous."  Is he nervous that I will call him out on him being an asshole or is he nervous that I didn't change. But I didn't change I just woke up. I have to see him on Thursday because unfortunately a friend of my family's mother passed away so I have to go to a wake on Wednesday. I will read him the letter. I feel good about this becuase it will either go that we will work on being a couple or then its done. I'm ready to face im with my confidence full blast.

Thank you everyone for your comments. I needed them more then you will ever know. Thank you thank you!

Oh...I didn't see this coming, yet I did...

Cj asked me yesterday for a break because he said that I was smothering him. Ive been going through a rough time with all the adjustments & changes of the past six months and he told me that he feels that I have no self confidence or self esteem and it affected our relationship. I needed some reassurance and a hug from him in this rough time and I didn't get it. He pulled away from me more and more and more and naturally when someone pulls away the other person will react stronger to try to keep them I guess? I'm all over the place. It's 3 am I can't sleep. I can't eat. How can I return to being the girl he met a year ago, when I feel like even more shit because he told me that I'm too nice and need to stop trying to be a good girlfriend. Stop doing girlfriend things that came natural to me. I...I'm distraught and devastated. It's been such a rough few weeks and he wasn't there. He pushed me away when I was looking to him for love...I don't know what to think or do. I just don't. I knew something was up with him and asked him to please tell me but the didn't a few weeks ago. He waited to today to tell me he wanted space. I just...I don't know what to think. What to think at all.

He called me after he wanted a break but I didn't pick up. I'm too angry and upset to talk to him. I...Maybe I'll try to eat something and pick up the pieces of myself that are scattered everywhere. I hate having puffy eyes from crying. I truly do. I'll be back tomorrow here. Yeah I'll be back.

Quarter-Life Crisis is on the Menu with all the trimmings…

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In my life I’ve had a few awkward stages. First when I was 10 when I suddenly realized ah crap I need a bra and deodorant, second learning how to battle the huge staircase mob in high school and not be invisible, then college with the seedy nightlife that can go with it, and then…Oh yeah…now. I’m using the word awkward because I woke up the other day and realized everything has fallen into place, where I have the 3 majors. The job, the boyfriend, and the home. I’ve never before had all three and frankly I’m flapping around like a fish out of water.

Behaviors I thought would help people are backfiring, every time I think maybe this month I’ll catch up on my bills and savings there is another $100 bill or $300 I have to pay to something, I’ve been in my condo for 6 months and realized shit I have so much still left to do that is not going to fix itself, and having your first real grown up job with a real salary where you have conference calls, deadlines, emails, and the printer still registering a paper jam when there is totally no paper in the machine is a lot to take in all at once. I’m losing myself amongst the chaos. I used to have just one cup of coffee a day…I’m up to 3 or 4. I sleep 7-8 hours a night but for a 25 year old who is thrown into a 30 year olds life it’s a lil rough on the landing. I’m overwhelmed and my confidence in it all is plummeting down because I fear rejection and fear failure. There I’ve said…isn’t that supposed to be the first steps? Admitting you’ve taken on too much? How do I get “me” back…

I’ve been trying to diet, trying to cut-back on spending, trying to sleep, trying to do lil projects in my home, trying to be there for my family, trying to be agreeable & understanding with CJ, but everywhere I turn there is something reminding me of something else I have to do or it’s just leaving me with worry. I woke up in the middle of the night on Sunday, so restless and itchy (I’m convinced the “unknown variable” is my life that I’m allergic to), and my heart was racing. It wasn't a panic attack but I was upset. I need to chill out, majorly. 

I know I can't build a world in day or solve all the problems with a simple solution but I've reached a point where I have to cut back. I have to make priorities and not stretch myself so thin. This isn't me, this frazzled jumpy mess of a woman. Maybe I'll do my nails, make a yummy meal, clean my condo a bit, have a romantic dinner with Cj, write out all my expenses so I know the big picture? I want my confidence back...I want my zest...I want the smiles back...Even if it's just finding 5 extra minutes to take my make-up off each night or time in the morning to sit and enjoy that cup of coffee or an extra kiss from Cj's I'm going to start...

Today is the start of getting it all back...I'm going to get my groove back...hell yeah...

"We Thought She was Pregnant Last Month..." Wait...What? "WE" Did??

I have to put "Sunday Stolen Moments" on pause because tonight have to write about something deeper. In one night, a birthday was celebrated, a pregnany was revealed, and an apparent false alarm pregnancy was announced...I was aware of the first 2 events, however the false alarm was breaking news to me AND it CJ was talking about me. Here let me backtrack a lil bit to explain...

Last month my family and CJ all got sick from something we all ate at our Palm Sunday meal. Violently sick with vomiting and other. I think a total of 6 people were unable to move away from a bathroom for an entire day.  It was awful. What was worse was I got sick before CJ did. We were at one his friend's house for Passover and everything was fine up until about 7pm. I'm not as familar with the tradtional Jewish foods and after eating the brisket I got suddenly very warm and felt the meal wanting to burst throw my stomach. Eventually I couldn't fight the urge and threw up. Needless to say CJ caught on that I was vomitting and then when I opened the door to the bathroom he stood perfectly still and said,

"I've never seen you throw up so suddenly. Are you pregnant?"

Immediately I said No, I'm not. I threw up again and again for the next hour and honestly I think I got sicker because I thought about what he asked. Was I? BUT then I got a call later that night that he was sick with vomitting too and my mother and my uncle and....etc.  I knew I wasn't then...CJ and I have never mentioned that brief moment again...til this Saturday...

Fast Forward to this past Saturday: A married couple was at one of my friend's bday parties and made the happy announcement that Christy was pregnant. Everyone was clapping and it was a nice moment AND then CJ says, 

"Well we thought she was pregnant last month. Thankfully we alll got sick so we realized she wasn't. It was a false alarm." 

The table went silent, all eyes on me, and all I could do was turn to CJ and blurt out, "We Thought???". I can't remember who changed the subject or what happened next because my brain just stopped for a moment. I might have laughed it off or I don't know because the next thing I remember now is hearing Christy talk about the guilt of her eating meat while was she was pregnant because she's a vegetarian. I might have said I knew I wasn't but for Cj to say it at a table of people while people are celebrating a real pregnancy I am just flabbergasted. Completely and utterly.

Now in our relationship we try to talk about everything and lately I've just been letting the important topics like moving in together, jobs, engagements and others just come naturally. We hadn't discussed that sickness moment before and for him to bring it up in front of all those people is bothering the hell out of me. I'll admit I'm struggling with the knowing when to talk about things, when to argue, when to just agree, and when not to blurt things out because I value this relationship and I guess I still have fear of losing it all because this is still all new to me. Having a year long relationship is awesome and I don't want to fuck it up but I wonder if he's going through this awkwardness too?? Perhaps he was trying to find a time to bring it all up and it boiled inside of him so bad that he said it at the worst possible moment.....Maybe.....

CJ and I have to talk about the things more...In our openness about things maybe we are actually more closed off than we thought? We're both still mysteries to one another and that's a total good thing but I think we have to crack open the door a lil bit more...??? I don't know...this is big...real big. What a weekend...Seriously....

The Scars of Your Love, Remind me of us...

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I hate it when you totally love a new song, but then when you really start listening to the lyrics it strikes a nerve of a bad memory. I absolutely adore Adele’s new song, “Rolling in the Deep” because it hits the nail right on the head. I can’t tell you how many times in my life I’ve whispered to myself “We almost had it all” about a past relationship. Well fucked-up friendship is a better word I think for the Mess, my Brown-Eyed Mr. Big , and me  because I was never a girlfriend just a side character that knew all the dirty lil secrets.  At times I was the secret but even that was unknown to me. I was such a stupid kid back then & I have to hang my head in brief shame over it and that guy…he is just an asshole and the sad part is…he damn well knows he’s one . 

~ You had my heart inside of your hands, but you played it to the beat…~ 

When you purposely try to remember a date on the calendar for 4 years it’s a lil hard to forget it & Facebook has to send you those not so friendly reminders of things. Today last year I wished this guy a happy birthday. I wasn’t even talking to him at the time but I thought why the hell not. STILL I was like maybe… It was so stupid because I was so done with him. What did I want in that text? For him to be like “Oh I miss you yada yada, we should chill yada yada” and then the spiral of hell would return?  More nights of crying, more nights of now I think emotional abuse because NO ONE one should ever be told, “You don’t phase me anymore” or “You could walk away right now and I wouldn’t care”, and more days & nights not adding up to shit, not even a valuable friendship? 

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Thankfully none of that ever happened. Due to that foolish decision of texting him I realized what the hell was I doing wanting that mess back in my life and went out to meet someone new. LITERALLY that next weekend I met my current boyfriend CJ and when he asked me out I blurted out yes without question. The best thing I did in my life was say yes to CJ. After about 30 minutes he knew he had to ask me out and get to know me. My life has changed for the better since that day, I believe it’s May 15^th when I first met CJ, I pretty much can’t even think about my life without him. Him and I have it all…better than it ever would have been with the Mess. A million times better.  ~"Turn my sorrow into treasured gold"... That is EXACTLY what happened when I met CJ....

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The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results. That mess of a friendship was insane because I kept thinking somehow it would work out differently. Maybe if I stayed for one more convention, one more Walmart trip, one more rendezvous in the park, or one more emotional scar…The best decision I ever made was to watch his car turn the other way in my rear view mirror of my car. CJ tells me that these ex experiences make people who they are but I'm welcoming the fading of the ex memories into that void of nothingness. It can stay there as long as possible...

I'm going to go call CJ now and tell him how much I love him. He hurt his wrist the other day and I'm hoping it feels better. I can't wait to see him later...can't wait...=)

Lyrics & Title are from Adele: "Rolling in the Deep"

Honesty Makes the World Go Round…

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Thank you all for your responses on my issues post. I’m going to take the advice to heart and not force anything. When the time comes I’ll be natural and honest. I have a bad habit of holding things in up until I just can’t stand it anymore, which then turns into a blow-up rant that never accomplishes anything because I’m just incoherently ranting…so I’m going to take it slow. I try very hard to above all else be honest; especially when it comes to CJ.  I think that’s how we work.  Sometimes blunt honesty can hurt like a bitch and be misconstrued however all the cards will then be out on the table. It’s the best way to go. 

 

I’ve been thinking a lot about all of this and frankly I realized if you’re not honest with someone it just opens the doors for problems or insecurities. I have 3 friends that are not entirely honest with their partners and it shows…

One friend of mine has been dating her boyfriend for 5 years now and they are on the brink of major life decisions that not one of them is really talking about. She is hoping to move to Arizona with him from New Jersey so she can have a teaching career and he has just agreed to go with her. There is SOOO many things they are NOT talking about that it makes me feel almost uncomfortable when it isn’t brought up in conversation. What if he can’t find a job? All his family is here so if he leaves would he be happy? What if she doesn’t find a job and they both are stuck there then? What about their cars? When she talks about how much she loves him she always talks in the past tense…(That one I’m not sure she is even aware that she does it) I think they really need to sit down and talk things out honestly and openly…I hope.

 

Another friend is seeing one guy, is in love with a past lover, and is still trying to get revenge on an old flame of hers by always saying no when he calls her in the middle of night. This girl I really think just craves the attention but she is being honest with none of them. The guy she’s seeing tho has no clue about the other guys and she’s sort of doing this Stepford wife perfect girl routine that she can’t hold up forever. This friend however I’m at lost what to tell her anymore. I’ve told her to be honest with these men but I think she needs to be honest with herself more as to what the hell she is doing…le sigh…

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The other friend is keeping a secret from her boyfriend. I doubt either one of them read this but the secret is about something that happened to her a while ago that changed her appearance. If she ever has a baby with the boyfriend the secret will come up. No it’s not a sex change or nose job but she sees it as very personal and doesn’t feel he needs to know. I think it makes her who she is as a person because it was done for health reasons but she is not telling him. I wish she was more open with him because she thinks he’s the one…But it’s her valid life choice…but I think she should just tell him...she used to smile so much brighter before...He should see the light that is there...

Honesty could help out my friends but who knows. When I they come to me for advice I usually tell them honesty is the best way to go. It may not solve the problem but it’s a start…

Do you make an effort to be Honest in your Relationship? 

 I’d love to hear...

Hello Again, Friend of a Friend, I Knew You When…

This past St. Patty’s Day I took part in something that involved an Ex. However, it wasn’t one of mine. Last Sunday’s parade I was walking away from a line of people behind CJ when suddenly he turned around and said, “Oh Melanie Kiss me, Please.” Of course I let my boyfriend kiss me and dip me back in front of all those people. I came up for air and he took my hand and had this huge grin on his face. At first I was like, “What the fuck just happened?”, however he soon explained.

Apparently in the crowd was his ex from about 2 years ago, whom he dated for 4 years and had almost married. He has told me he even bought a ring for her but she dumped him before he could pop the question. CJ must have spotted her in the crowd and we made out right in front of her and her current boyfriend which she left Cj for. For some reason tho the incident is bothering me but why?

I turned back to look at where she was supposed to be and in my quick scan of the crowd there she was staring right in my direction. I didn’t catch her eye, I didn’t want to look directly at her so I turned back to Cj and continued walking up the street with him and the others.  

Now I’m ALL for the slap in the face to your exes after the breakup to show them “Hey you were wrong to dump me and now I’m happy as hell without you,” but this incident made me feel awkward. Cj tho has been happy that it happened so I haven’t told him that it was weird for me. He got his retribution to her in that moment and now he feels like a weight has lifted off his chest. Good for him but did it have to be THAT WAY?

But is there really a better or worse way to say “Fuck you” to an Ex after a Break-up? 

I don’t know…

I had my moment at the Birthday Massacre concert. When I happened to run into my Brown-eyed Mr. Big ex at the concert and he asked me if I wanted to join him and some girl on the trip back home a taxi. I got to say to him, “No thanks. My Boyfriend drove me in. He’ll take me home.” It felt so fucking Awesome to see this guy take a step back and say softly, “Ohhh…okay then.” And it felt EVEN better to watch my past walk away as my future returned to me moments later. Glorious vengeance…

I had my moment, so CJ should have his. Completely understandable. Maybe I’m being a silly. Good that she saw how much I love him and how someone is treating him the way he should be treated. Awesome that he has a girlfriend that is proud of him and she needed to know that. Kickass that somewhere in her cold heart she feels a twinge of regret that she isn’t the girl receiving that awesome kiss. Maybe tho  I wish that I wasn’t drunk when it happened and I wish I knew what was going on initially so I could have done it better. Maybe…

What do you think on the subject? Have you ever gotten that shot of vengeance on an ex? Is it right to get that last dig in? 

I’d love to hear…

Title: “Black Sheep” by Metric   

A Chick Flick Fixed My Relationship...Seriously, No Joke.

There comes a time in a relationship where you will start to frustrate one another and eventually blow up at each other. Everyone keeps telling me that it is perfectly natural. Well they’re right. But the queasy feeling because of it in the pit of your stomach may not go away at the end of the fight…it might linger. This is what happened to me this weekend.

That “Something is not right” feeling boiled in the back of my head and I was trying to simmer the flames by watching a lite movie. I know I keep coming back to this movie but I was watching “Eat Pray Love”. I had just finished the book so I wanted to watch the movie. There is a certain scene where she talks about the physics of two people. When something is constant and then changes, for example if one person starts pulling away, of course the other person will try excessively to keep that person. That person might seem needy, clingly, and will try WAY TOO HARD to be with the other and it will in turn backfire.

 Then the lightbulb over my head turned on…

On Saturday night, CJ and I were sitting in my condo; him doing his own thing and I was do a suduko puzzle when the words just popped out of my mouth,

“Hey hun, can I tell you something?” He knods to me. “You know how you’ve been playing on the computer so much and wanting me to do my own thing while we are still chilling? Well I think it’s making me feel like your pulling away from me and I think the reason why I’ve been so nervous around you is because of that and it’s making me try extra hard maybe to an extreme to be this perfect girlfriend but I really just want to know what's up?”

To which CJ looked up to me and said,

“This moment is why I love you as much as I do. Mel I’m just stressed and tired and maybe I’m taking it too far. I'll try to not be so distant and tell you more about what's going on with me. You care so much about our relationship and me and I’m not used to having a girlfriend that cares as much as you do. I never had that. I love that thought about how to help. It shows how much you care. I just want to chill out sometimes together without having it always be like a date and trust me I’m not going anywhere. I love you baby.”

And there you have it. I condensed a lot our words but more or less that’s what happened. He came over to me and kissed me after and that aching feeling I had in my chest left. I felt so much better and I think he does too. We were able to talk about things like two rational adults and figure out what the problem was. I’m so happy that we worked out the kinks and you’re all right; fighting or argumentatively discussing can bring you closer as a couple if you communicate and make your true feelings known. Sometimes you need to look to an outside source for solutions and trust me it works.

I’m definitely letting out that big breathe I was holding…him too.



I Still Get Nervous Around Him…Isn’t that a Good Thing?

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It’s brought to me attention the other night by my boyfriend that I’m still nervous around him. Naturally after knowing someone and dating them for 10 months they are going to pick up on your lil nervous habits and notice when you are doing them constantly. One of mine is talking too much. I have a bad habit of talking his ear off about everything under the sun BUT I don’t know if I’m really nervous around him or I might just be nervous about what I’m talking about…I’ll explain.

Of course I am a nervous about my relationship because this is the first time in my entire life where I’m in a healthy relationship that’s really working out. It’s healthy, we don’t really fight, we’re not cheating on each other, I’m happy to see him when I do, we are building a life together and I’m nervous because this is COMPLETELY UNKOWN TERRITORY FOR ME! Things are working out so forgive me if I want it to keep it that way and sometimes it can be stressful to be here, there, make decisions affecting both of us, and making sure each of us are still happy.

I’m nervous because eventually I want to ask him to move in with me into my condo but it might be too small for both of us so in that it might create a problem. I’m nervous that when we do fight it will be about something big and it might tear us apart. I’m nervous for those nights that cater to certain darkened room activities because I have put on a lil weight and I guess I’m self-conscious. I know he loves me and my curves but I wish I was a lil toner. I’m nervous that I’ve already told him a story, but for the life of me I can’t remember telling it so he’ll get mad that I’m repeating myself.

But aren’t these all normal reasons to be nervous?

Also on the other side of all of this my life has been going through a 360 spin with the job and condo so the stuff I’m talking about is nerve-wracking. He might be thinking that ALL the nervousness is about him but it’s not. Also it doesn’t help that we both have A.D.D so our attention spans can be thin. He might have switched to the next topic where I’m still fretting about it or vise versa so in that he might think I’m nervous about him when I’m not.

I guess a solution to all of this is to stop talking so much to him, but then I’ll feel like I’m not being open and honest when I’m saying an abridged portion of stories. I have to be more secure in myself and my choices too, but that doesn’t come over night. I gotta work on a few things but I think its good that a guy still makes you nervous right? I see it as a good nervous…not a bad. I’m nervous for the good things that are going to happen. That’s okay, right?

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I Just Called to Say "I Love You" & I Mean It From the Bottom of My Heart...

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There really should be a law that no drama can happen before someone has had their morning coffee, especially when it’s NOT your own drama. At work like I said I’m the spokeswoman for Venus aka all the females of the world because they think asking one is asking the collective, so I heard the latest bit of relationship drama. I feel bad airing Michigan’s (Let’s call my co-worker that) dirty laundry but his story this morning left an imprint on me. All he wanted to do was tell his girlfriend that he missed her…that was it. I’ll explain…

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Everyone has emotional baggage unless you were literally born yesterday. It’s a fact, but its okay. But when you in a relationship I don’t think it’s right to constantly hold that baggage over your new person’s head because they are not your ex & they weren’t there. Yes you’ve been hurt, we all have been there, and it’s important that you find traits in this new person that isn’t like your ex and maybe just maybe some of that baggage will disappear over time and your heart might get healed. Also understandably so that you will put some guards up around your vulnerable heart so you don’t get hurt again. I’ve done that many MANY times so trust me I know. BUT you have to let this new person try to love you or the relationship will crumble sadly.

Michigan is dating this new girl who was emotional dragged through the gutter it seems & she apparently doesn’t like hearing words like “I miss you”, “I love you”, “I like you”, “I want to be with you” because her ex said them to her & she doesn’t want get hurt by those words again. So he’s like “I don’t know what to do? I kiss her hello, I hold her before she goes to bed, I talk to her all the time, I put in a relationship on facebook, I’m honest with her, I tell her that I want to be her man…etc.” however this girl it is just not registering with her that he likes her even tho he is her boyfriend. I’ve never met the girl before so I don’t know if she is looking for a way out or not but I told him to just continue doing what comes natural. If you want to kiss her do it, if you miss her say it, if you want to see her and smile do it.

There are many ways to say “I like you” and “I love you” and I wonder what it is for this girl? When Cj comes in and hugs me hello and does that extra squeeze I realize BAM there it is. That’s the love. Moving my hair behind my ear before he kisses me BAM it’s there again. (Yes, I love Zombieland too). But Michigan’s girl….I don’t know what else to say to him…Just be you.

Today is Thrusday, February 10 & I hope you tell someone or show someone today how much they mean to you. We all don’t need one day a year to give a person a hug. It should be everyday. So share the love everyone. <3

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“But what I hope most of all is that you understand what I mean when I tell you that, even though I do not know you, and even though I may never meet you, laugh with you, cry with you, or kiss you, I love you. With all my heart, I love you. Valerie.” – V for Vendetta

Stay tuned: Later will be New HomeOwner Newsletter Issue #2!

Don’t forget to enter my Giveaway too! 

That CAN’T Be Healthy for the Couple Who is Trying to Help Out…OR Is It?

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Why is it that right before the holidays or rather right before Valentine’s Day relationships start to fade & the stress becomes too much & a break-up might be in the near distance future?  In the past few months a few of CJ’s couple friends have broken up with their significant others or have gotten to the point where they just don’t know where to turn with the problems. Well Cj & I’s door has been open for advice. But I have to ask…

Is it a good thing to be surrounded by all this drama or is it better to just stay out of the other people’s messes?

Lately CJ & I have had conversations that I really never thought we’d have. Like… “If you’re going to dump me can you not do it that way, please?”” If we get to that point can we start dating again because I wouldn’t want to lose you?” Don’t ever do the not answer your phone thing like she did because then it’s too obvious that you want out.” See the break-ups & the problems of the other couples have been huge & of course CJ & I answered each other’s questions & were like geez why are we even discussing this stuff…oh…right yeah they asked us for help.

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Neither him or me would leave a friend upset so we’d want to help but is it healthy in a relationship to be the one everyone constantly goes to with their dilemmas? So far it’s making us I think a lil stronger as a couple. We can without a pause talk about the friend’s issues which is a good thing but what if we disagree on the advice that is given? We could then get in a fight & then everyone is all over the place then. I don’t know & I’m a bit torn on this situation.

I want to help out but isn’t evidently up to that couple to work on things or decide that it is time to break-up? We could give advice but who knows if they’ll take it too. I guess this is why my final words to people in break-ups or problem situations is “Are you Happy? Make sure your happy because if you’re not…then what the hell are you doing?”. 

I think this is all a learning process...I love CJ so much so I wouldn't want anything to come between us...Love is worth fighting for tho too...

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What do you think on this helping out Drama-filled Couple Issue? Is it healthy or not to help?

I'd love to hear!