Thursday, June 30, 2011

Short Love Story Film for Your Enjoyment!

I just came across this short movie that was shot entirely on a Nokia N8 cellphone. The short movie is called "Splitscreen: a love story".  Here is the link of the story. Yahoo: Low budget is no problem for cell phone filmmaker. The director was , JW Griffiths. It's really cute and very unique as well as beautiful. ENJOY!

Splitscreen: A Love Story from JW Griffiths on Vimeo.

Wednesday, June 29, 2011

Will it Last?...

When one area of your life comes back around...another becomes unbalanced. Work was really rough yesterday. Alot of work, deadlines, & piles of unsorted paperwork to be looked at...It's always something right? 

Anywho tho, CJ and I are back on and I think we have the possibility of going stronger than ever. He hates talking on the phone but he's called me morning, noon, and night just to talk to me. We are laughing together at each other's jokes. He's taking the sweet moments to kiss me goodbye, not a rushed peck. He's taking my hand in his with passion and pride. He says, "I love you" while looking me straight in the eye. He must have really missed me in that week. Must have. BUT people have been asking me,  

"Do you think this will all last? Is is just a honeymoon period?"  

To be perfectly honest I have no idea...however I know the key to all of this. Honesty...yes definitely.

I have to apologize for not being completely honest with all of you when CJ and I were starting to have issues. Like I've said I thought it was his inner issue not me and I really had a hard time wrapping my head around it that my relationship was wavering. I wasn't in denial but I couldn't pinpoint what was wrong so it was hard to write about a phantom feeling I wasn't sure of. Thankfully the storm has passed but I have taken so much more out of this break I don't even think he realizes. In our conversations together I'm trying to be honest and I know he is too. Not blunt asshole just plain honesty. 

For example...the guitar was issue with him and me. His band invited him over last night and I told him to go because he told me honestly that was what he wanted to do tonight. Completely fine by me, so we are going to chill today. Honesty with a twist of to my ears... If he has had a bad day I told him please tell me....if I can't help, well then I'll just see him the next day. Instead of me being so touchy to him because I don't know what's wrong...he promised to tell me what he could so I don't worry. If I'm going to be more prone to cry because of a certain time of the month I have to tell him. I have to have my girl-time so he can have his equal guy-time. I think we both are ready to fight for this relationship and try...

I really hope this lasts on both our ends. I don't want to throw our relationship to the wolves. Never...I was trying to remove all my pics from Myspace before it eventually gets shut down and I found that there are so few pics of me smiling. Since I've met CJ, way after Myspace....every pic I'm smiling. That is worth fighting for....honestly....

Monday, June 27, 2011

Stolen Moments: I never want to forget this Weekend!

After recent events, my stolen moments were such happy moments I’ve been bursting to tell of you!

~Spontaneous Weekend Getaway to Amesbury, Massachusetts with some friends. It was all ladies I’ve known from high school & have barely seen in a few years so it was a reunion tenfold! Two of the girls ran in a Warrior Dash Obstacle Course to the finish. I have NEVER seen so much Mud!!!! I was just a spectator in the obstacle course run but I couldn’t escape the mud either! This must have been what Woodstock was like! It was awesome catching up and finding out what the girls have all been up to!  Here’s some pics…~

Debra, Dawn, Me, & Hayley
My poor shoes!! Darn Mud!!
Crazy Debra 7 Dawn running in the mud for the Race!! lol =P
~There are apparently parts of the U.S. that are just highway and trees. It looks scary on a GPS at night when all you see is black around a red highway…lol~

****CJ called me to go to Brunch on Sunday to talk things through because he missed me. I was wondering if he just missed me because I was always around. No, he said he missed me, actually me, in his life more than ever. We discussed our relationship and realized everything was going to be okay and that we BOTH have to be in this and work on it. We have to be honest but not mean and understanding. He apologized over and over and told me he couldn’t imagine his life without me. He even dressed up, wore a collared shirt and nice pants, picked me up like a real date, and I could feel the real difference in him. His kiss is even different too. I can feel it  again down to my toes. He caressed my face as he kissed me. He hadn’t done that in what seems ages…We are back on and we both have to not lose ourselves again…but if it happens we promised to be there for one another and each other get back. We had been dating a year…you can’t just throw away a year. I’m truly hoping for the best ****

~I went to CJ’s cousin’s party and one of the little girls asked me who “The New Kids on the Block” were because she is going to the Backstreet Boys/New Kids concert. She knew the Backstreet Boys but not the New Kids. Lol. Ohh 10 year olds…if they only knew life before Bieber…The men in music were soo much hotter!~

~CJ sang all the way up to his cousins in the car. He hasn’t sang happy songs in the car in months. We both geeked out and rocked out to some Sublime, Rancid, and New Found Glory. It was so fucking awesome to him happy again. Best stolen moment!~ 

What were your Weekend Stolen Moments…

Ah Yes...Another Week is Here...Another Week of Choices & Decisions...

Last week was probably one of the most stressful weeks I’ve had in a long time. Through everything with CJ I've lost about 6 pounds and got a lil patch of a gray hair, but found my voice…an assertive strong woman’s voice. I fear that he will think I’m too good for him or give me an excuse why we can’t be together when all of this is done. Or that somewhere in his head he has already let me go. When someone is talking about seeing their girlfriend with someone else I don’t think that’s a good thing. Everyone tho deserves happiness, regardless of past relationships. I’m not sure he realizes that. I’m not saying I am the only one who could give him happiness or him, I, but he needs to get it through his head that it’s okay to have bad days & it’s okay to need someone. I miss him so much. 

I watched "Love and other drugs” and I have to say it’s a really great movie besides it being mostly Jake Gyenthall’s ass. Lol. It is very believable and there is chemistry between the two of them that makes you riveted to the screen. It reminds me of the old movie “Love Story” except with a MUCH BETTER PLOT & ENDING! It’s about two people who find each other and it’s nowhere from easy. They both have to admit they need each other and they both have to mentally grow up in order to love one another. It reminded me of CJ and I way too much, and they even went to Chicago like the two of us did. Sigh. From all of my past relationships & all of CJ’s I think we forgot what is to be in a real one…

There is balance, there is courage, there is trust, honesty and there is work but it shouldn’t be hard work. There can be reminders of “Oh shit you know I haven’t complimented my gf in a while let me do that”, family functions you both should attend, there is words of love & cute stolen moments between the two of you, you introduce each other to new people, there can be intimate nights where the world falls away except for the two of you, and there emerges an “Us” & a “We” that shouldn’t be thrown away when moments get rough. I hope it doesn’t get thrown away.

I drove away from Cj last Wednesday and watched him walk back to his car. I was begging silently for him to turn around to see me off and he did. He waved. The mess never looked back. The Drummer Boy never looked back. CJ did. I think that’s a sign…a good sign that this will straighten itself out.  

This week I’m going to work on myself. I’m going to get my nails done, straighten out the condo, and just feel better. Feel better about everything and myself. Thank you all for your kind and constructive comments this past week. I really needed them. Love you all! =) 

{This is a post I had for Friday but a random trip with the girls delayed it...things are completely different now...I'll explain later...and it's different for the better...}
Follow Melanies Randomness

Thursday, June 23, 2011

Couldn’t Have Wished a Better Meeting for Our Relationship...

“If you like pina coladas and getting caught in the rain then I’m the lady that you’re looking for…”

CJ and I met at 8pm yesterday and it was a successful meeting. I went in there hoping we were the pina colada song…both people forgetting who we were in the relationship. We are not back together because we both came to the realization we can not just go back to what it was between us. I was assertive & called him a belittling asshole and he agreed that he has been pretty much a distant monster and he couldn’t tell me why he did it. In this “space” time, he realized he is insecure and is a brat and it was truly not me that was the problem. The problem apparently was that I was a great girlfriend to him and he couldn’t handle it. For the life of me I can’t fathom that but in relationships you have to realize that there were other girlfriends before you and people will rack up baggage and they can honestly believe they don’t deserve a good girlfriend for whatever reason. That is NO excuse for trying to destroy a good person’s self-esteem or confidence and try to change them. He wanted us to fight but we were fighting except I wasn’t a bitch when I was fighting…I was a concerned girlfriend that was trying to argue not scream at him whereas he expected the bitch from all that has happened in his past. That is seriously messed up. I was trying to be an adult in a real relationship and he wasn’t and he fully admits he was wrong.

Also we realized from LITERALLY from the first 10 minutes of our first date that was over a year ago there has been a pressure on us that shoved us literally into the serious category and we BOTH crumpled under it. Part of it is his fault, making me tell him I could see him in my future and answer if he was the “one” after 3 dates. He was so afraid of wasting time with someone that he shackled himself to me before he knew me and before time went by AND our parents worked together which we didn’t know when we first met.  That made the relationship serious almost immediately. We were boyfriend and girlfriend before we knew it and lost the fun and sparkle. I was working at trying to bring it back but we both got too comfortable and he stopped trying to be a good boyfriend. It was my fault too, not to speak up more constructively and let this continue on where I was being mentally hurt.

It was weird hearing someone say “I don’t want to have to work so hard at a relationship” but it’s not that hard. Is it so hard to tell someone that they look pretty in that dress? So hard to put your arm around your girlfriend when she is crying? So hard to not be an asshole to a girl who loves you? So hard to hang out with her and not play your guitar the whole time? No it isn’t too hard and I asked if he wanted a girlfriend at all…because it truthfully sounded like he didn’t want the responsibility of having someone in his life. We don’t have to be constantly doing bf/gf stuff but you can’t shut someone out either from your life. Which brings us to where our relationship status is now…

We are together but we are on a break so we both can collect ourselves more. He needs to figure out who the fuck he is because he lost it. He lost himself in his own actions. He admits that fact which I think is promising. He needs to realize that there is a difference between being an honest man and a blunt asshole. He needs to realize that he is almost 30 years old and the world does not revolve around him and will not cater to him hand and foot. And I…I need to sit back and really think if I want to be with him after all of this. I do love him but if he isn’t willing to be a good boyfriend or can’t handle the responsibility of being in a relationship then I have to say goodbye when the 2 week break is up. 

 He walked me to my car and said a line he used from our first date. “I don’t usually kiss on the first date” and then kissed me. It was a different kiss and I could feel it. Different because he put his hand on my face and caressed my cheek. It wasn’t a sexual kiss but a kiss of love. I felt it. It felt like the guy I met a year ago peeked through again.

I still am uncertain what’s going to happen between Cj and I but it looks like it will be a hopeful better future for both of us. Till Tomorrow…

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

We are meeting up today to talk it through...

Title says it all. Things are either going to go good today or sadly. If we can talk things through and realize what went wrong with us then we will be together...if he can't promise he will be there for me & be a boyfriend back & not push me away when I have tough times & can't be honest with me then I have to leave. We're meeting at 8pm. I have a letter where I wrote everything down to him. I will read it to him. I'm hoping we don't split but if the facts are not there....

I will let you all know.

Monday, June 20, 2011

Today I woke up...and Opened my eyes and embraced this break....

I heard "Torn" by Natalie Imbruglia today and I cried the last time. I heard that song and then got a pen and began to write. Began to write everything down I want to say to CJ. Somehow today I came up for air from a suffocating feeling. I realized him and I have grown apart and this break is a true turning point. If he meant all those demeaning things and doesn't care that he hurt me then I'm gone. If he doesn't mean them then what the fuck? How can you feel secure in a relationship where your boyfriend is criticizing everything. How can you feel secure when he's asking you to take off the pretty dress because it makes him feel like a he's not dressed good enough. I'm a nice person because I am nice and that is who I've always been. I'm not a bitch and when I talked to him about hurting my feelings he was supposed to stop. If he can ensure me that he will be there for me and be supportive then that's different. If he can't promise me that he will be there...that's not fair to me and I will have to leave.

I wrote it all down and I will read it to him. I did text him today to tell him "I need and want to talk to you". He responded immediately "I'm nervous."  Is he nervous that I will call him out on him being an asshole or is he nervous that I didn't change. But I didn't change I just woke up. I have to see him on Thursday because unfortunately a friend of my family's mother passed away so I have to go to a wake on Wednesday. I will read him the letter. I feel good about this becuase it will either go that we will work on being a couple or then its done. I'm ready to face im with my confidence full blast.

Thank you everyone for your comments. I needed them more then you will ever know. Thank you thank you!

He wanted space and now I'm giving him space...

On Saturday I knew something was wrong with my boyfriend. He had been acting weird for quite some time and I even cried to him on two times asking him what was wrong. He thought I was "attacking" him and was confused but could see how I was feeling because now I've learned he was distancing himself so he wouldn't be hurt and pull away from me hoping I'd get the message. But I went at him more strongly because I didn't think it was me that was the problem but something else because he never gave me the red flag in words that it was "me" that was the problem. I thought I was just being there for him in a rough time. I was wrong. He didn't want to hurt my feelings but that's all he's done. I'm not a low self-esteem, lacking self confidence, cry baby girl. But when your struggling with your life and need a hug and need compassion and sympathy and all your getting is a  cold shoulder you will crumple a lil bit more when someone is not there for you. I thought it was a phase for him. Constant guitar playing, constant game playing. He was escaping me, yet there was nothing left of our relationship except me occupying myself while he escaped me. He had problems at work and when they went away and he still had the headaches he realized it was me that was driving him crazy. He told once before that was a driving him nuts and I gave him space before but it wasn't enough. He wants to hang out with his friends, jam on his guitar constantly to build up a band, and he feels like I'm only living his life not my own and that isn't true at all.  I would see my friends during the week so I could see CJ during the weekend and be boyfriend and girlfriend....Our communication went to the toilet.

He asked for a space and a break. He called once Saturday...didn't leave a voicemail. Then he texted me Sunday morning, "I am starting to miss you." Then he texted me later Sunday, "This is really hard. I love you so much and I want us to work out." I haven't answered him because I want to give him space. It's only been 36 hours since he wanted space. I'm giving him that space because I want him to really think it over if he wants me. I don't know what I want because if he is constantly jamming to escape me then where is the future. If he can put the guitar down when I'm with him then yes I will fight for the relationship. If when I have a horrible day and he acts right in the situation and is there for me then yes I will fight. If he doesn't belittle things I've done, then yes.

We have a lot to talk about on Wednesday. Alot to talk about.


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