The "One"...Not a Movie Reference....

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The one ring to rule them all, the one starring Jet Lee, the number one who wins at everything, the one who stays to the last call, the one....

There are many ones...but I honestly and truly think I've found the "One". Cj and I have been dating now a year & a half and the words slowly but surely slipped out of my mouth to my friend Debra the other day.

"He's the One". 

I said it out loud a few more times just because I loved how it sounded. I have never felt so happy lately and so in love with my boyfriend. The mini silences are no longer awkward, the simple caress of his hand on my cheek for absolutely no reason at all except to make me smile, the hours of dancing, yes dancing we will do when we go out where the world disappears for me, the "I love you" he says that ends every phone call, the desire to go out in the dead of night on Black Friday and be successful in getting him the exact Christmas present he wanted, the...everything. I truly am happy and ever so lucky.

Maybe it's because we are so much alike, or maybe because we are so different. It just clicks. I've never been more happy that he came back to that bar the second week to see if I happen to be still sitting on that bar stool. 

We are planning to move in together after the holidays and planning a vacation for the spring... I can't wait because there is no other guy I've been with that has made me feel so wonderful. I'm at my place and he's at his right now...I miss him tonight but I know tomorrow when I fall asleep next to him he'll hold me a lil bit tighter because he missed me too. Can't wait...

CJ & me <3

The Roulette Landed on Rut...Yup That's the Word...

Thank you everyone with the well wishes and the welcome backs! I missed writing ever so much. I've mentioned my sanity and my job and now I'll let you in on Cj and me. I love him so much and it's my favorite part of the day when he calls me in the morning or kisses me goodbye in the morning and says,  "I love you too, baby." However I think we're in a bit of a rut...one I hope we are slowly growing out of. I'll explain.

Recently certain events have brought us closer and farther apart. Closer because one of his cousins is now dating one of CJ's best friends we have a couple who calls us all the time to do things. Closer, (okay this may sound cheesy) because we have tons of new TV shows we wait to watch so we can see them together.  Now the farther...it really didn't dawn on us that if he started car-pooling with someone who lives in his building he wouldn't be able to stay over my house during the week. Farther in that our lives are so busy we barely have times to ourselves to have our lil relationship because people are always dragging us here or there. Farther in that it had been a while for *Cough*. Pure and utter tiredness didn't help that. But it all seems like all we have been doing is watching TV together...that I think signals the word, "RUT".

New lingerie from Victoria Secret helped quite a bit lol but this rut seems to be going on for a while. Ocktoberfest and Halloween coming up is going to help and oh yeah the holidays coming up too are things to look forward to as well. However Is it really a rut tho I've asked myself? Are him and I just in a patch of time where we are just living? Just doing our daily routines and are lil moments are what we have? Marching time maybe between next steps? Waiting for one of us to make that move? I dunno...

I love him too much not to try to change things...Now where to start??

Have you experienced a rut in your relationship? What did you do to push out of it? 

Changing Who You Are or Just Growing Up? You Decide...

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Upon entering and being in a relationship it is a natural thing to embrace the change it brings. The "I" becomes a “We”, you’ll watch the same shows, eat sometimes similarly, hang out with each other’s friends, and adapt to one another. I’m talking like matching hats changing (*I still can’t get over that ridiculous night*) because that is just creepy, but the subtle changes over time that affect both of you in the relationship. I know I’ve changed a lil bit in my relationship with CJ but I feel he thinks they are MAJOR changes while I don’t think so at all…I’ll explain…

He only drinks Coffee Mate French Vanilla creamer. I really could care less which one I drink but I do love French Vanilla. Solution: I keep Coffee Mate French Vanilla in my fridge. Cj likes to wind down at night by reading or playing a game before bedtime. I usually just go to sleep but sometimes I’ll watch TV right before. Solution: I’ll stay up extra with him because I really do love going to sleep with him because we cuddle before (I know, hold the aww’s lol). Sometimes tho I say fuck it and head right to sleep without him. If I haven’t seen him in a few days and then I know he’s busy the following day and If I have plans I’ll push them to the next day so I can see him…

Writing all that out it may seem to you that I have changed to cater him but those minimal things I don’t see as big changes at all. I think I’m just being a good girlfriend to be honest. I’ve been trying to make him more comfortable in my condo by buying food I know he likes. So what I changed coffee creamers? CJ thinks that I have changed for him and he doesn’t feel like that’s fair to me but with those small things as the changes I don’t see the big deal. Maybe he feels guilty because he hasn’t changed as much for me so he’s trying to make himself feel better by getting me to stop instead? I’m not sure, but I don’t think he realizes that when I tell him he is the first relationship where I’ve truly been myself I actually do mean that with all my heart.

When someone changes their hair if their bf or gf says they want it that way, loses weight because they call they’ve been called heavy, change their clothes to what the bf or gf likes, only listens to their significant others music, gives up hobbies to like only what they like, etc…THAT to me is changing. Not me. 

Perhaps he’s seeing me grow up more than when I first met him so he’s mistaking that as me changing for him? I’m four years younger than him and still have lots to learn especially becoming a homeowner. Of course I’m going to change. I'm not picking him over other friends, I'm not changing my shoes because he doesn't like them, I don't feel like I've changed the real me…hmmm…now how to tell him this? 

Today’s Question:

Have you changed since you’ve been in a relationship or did you just grow up within the relationship? 

It’s Not Really Lying, It’s Just Withholding Information...

I’m all for airing your dirty laundry to your significant other because you never know when it will bounce back and bite you in the ass. BUT even with that said, there are things that I have never discussed with CJ. I haven’t exactly lied to him about certain people or events but I’ve most definitely withheld information. It’s nothing horrendous or life changing that I’ve kept from him…just a few minute details that are so minimal it doesn’t matter. Some I’m embarrassed about, like an ex-fling long before I met him, or my secret love for uncooked pie crust. I really should have told him about the ex-fling because the guy reared his ugly head when CJ and I first started dating but it was so in the past I didn’t care to mention it. I don’t think any of these things I’ve kept are groundbreaking…so no harm no foul.

However I do have two friends that have kept secrets from their boyfriends and I’m a lil lost at what to tell them. One friend I think she needs to tell her boyfriend that she has a darker side to her. She will put on this act of almost a “Stepford Wife” type and won’t let the guy see the real her. Well if she winds up this guy, eventually the real her is going to break through. I don’t think it’s fair to her or the boyfriend to keep up this charade. It’s almost like the guy would be falling in love with a fake…I’ve told her to let the guy into her craziness because it might make him love her a lil more. That is something I would tell the boyfriend…

The other friend it’s a lil more sensitive of a matter. She had gastric bypass surgery for health reasons and has decided to not tell her boyfriend until later in their courtship. I’m torn whether to tell her to tell him or not. I understand why she hasn’t told him, because it is a very sensitive matter and it’s almost like you have to come to terms with things yourself before you can disclose it to someone else. I was apprehensive to tell CJ about my breast surgery to remove the fibroids but I bit the bullet and told him. With my friend however, it’s a completely other matter. I think she does need to tell him one day and eventually I believe she will but I think she needs to realize it won’t change her bf’s view of her. He loves her to no end and worships the ground she walks on, so I don’t think it will affect their relationship. But it’s her choice and one I will be supportive of it as a friend. Once again tho, it might make him love her a lil more because she was so strong during the process…

When I tell CJ about past things, he’s very “Well I’m glad it happened because it made you into the girl I feel in love with it.”  He sometimes boggles my mind how he can be such a great boyfriend. Aren’t we all just people wanting someone to love us back? I think so….

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Today’s Question:

What would you do? Have you told your Significant Others your past stories?

Withheld any Information….?

New Relationship Milestone for Me...A BIG ONE!

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Oh Labor Day Weekend...you were ever so much fun! Too short tho...definitely. While one friend is now engaged, another takes a pregnancy test, a new one starts a new relationship, and well for me...Cj and I declared that we are going to move in together!! Amongst the other drama, while folding a blanket for a drunk friend who stayed on my couch, Cj and I came to terms that we will be taking that next step! Our drunk friend was like "Aww I just witnessed a relationship milestone...yay!" Yup and all I have to say is..."Woohoo!"

It isn't going to be tomorrow or next week but it will be soon other than later. Now my shower liner blogpost is really important to me. Cj tho had a big car repair bill a lil while ago so when he finishes paying for that we are going to take that plunge. Right now he's actually sitting on my couch playing a video game...I guess this a taste of the real life living together. It's awesome by my standards. I'll have to always keep French Vanilla Coffeemate in the fridge but I can more than do that! ;)

This will definitely change things for him and me. Our identities, I think, are going to be the most in jeopardy. CJ and I have become a "we" and an "us" but we can't forget who each other are deep down. We mustn't change who we truly are in this whole process. I've often felt that I've lost myself a lil in this relationship but even just acknowledging that helps me bring it all back to focus. There has to be a happy medium of understanding, compromise, and listening to each other's needs and above all else, sharing. Of course there's been other 2 only children couples that have lived together but this might be a challenge for us sometimes. However I'm up for the challenge. This is going to be an awesome test run for the rest of our lives...I'm strangely comfortable with that.

 I wonder tho if he'd bring his cat....erm...we definitely have to talk about specifics...definitely.

I wish I had his and hers sinks but that could be a goal for the future. The future...I smile a lil bit more brightly about it. Cj at some point this weekend told me he loves me a lil more each day and it erased the noisy bar around me and all I saw was him and all I felt was his kiss. I love him so very much and maybe this move is exactly what we need right now...Maybe....

Well here's today's question:

 What's something I SHOULD KNOW about him or SHOULD ASK him about before the move in? What's been your experiences?

Showerliners: A Post about Relationships & Diets....

 

 I wish this was my bathroom...

A lil while back the alarm went off one Wednesday morning and I scrambled to get my phone to shut it off. The blurry clock on the TV cable box read 6:59am and the phone said 7am. My mom called like she did every morning to wake her only up, a habit she’s had since I was in college. (I rely on her so much for that phone call <3) Cj’s legs started to squirm under the covers and I heard his yawn of awake. I know I heard his rooster alarm earlier but it was 7am when we both woke up. Here’s the problem: We both have to be out the door by 8am. 

Usually Cj will wake up to his chickens or rooster alarm or I will and nudge him as softly as I can to wake up. He’ll take a shower first and I’ll start the Keurig and then while he’s dressing I’ll get up and start to get ready. He’ll leave and glance at “Angel” the Tv show on the screen and shake his head because he can’t fathom how I can watch it over and over again. I’ve recently switched to watching “Boys Meets World” in the mornings. We’ll then do the stereotypical kiss goodbye and I’m thankful that it’s not 1955 where I’d be left in the house all day to putter about without a twitching witch nose like Bewitched. However this present morning, we were late…really late.

 

I thought we’d both have more than enough time but alas it was 7:40 and CJ was still shaving. I hadn’t even taken my makeup off yet from the day before. Cj like a considerate boyfriend was like, “Babe you should just jump in the shower while I finish.” I really don’t know why I hesitated. It’s not like he hasn’t seen me naked before duhh we’ve dated for over a year now but I said I’ll wait. My subconscious drove my answers because all it saw was my shower curtain…WITHOUT A LINER!!! He could see all my wobbly bits as Bridget Jones so deftly puts it and I freaked out. He eventually finished and I popped in the shower quickly and started regretting my decision to not shower with him in the room. That was the moment where I realized I’m insecure with my body and vowed to try and fix that.

I know he loves me, even if I’ve gained about 10 pounds since our relationship began, but I’m apparently body conscious around him. That has to go if our relationship is going to work. So I’ve decided to make a pledge to LOSE THAT LAST 10 POUNDS not for him but FOR ME, so I feel more comfortable in my own skin and more secure. If I’m going to spend the rest of my life with someone, anyone, I need to be able to shed the clothes and step into a shower with them in the room. If Cj and I do move in together, I’m pretty sure this 7am wake-up will happen often. Perhaps I’m scared of rejection still…Perhaps I was looking for a deeper motivation then just fitting back into my clothes better…or the damage of the past to my self-esteem is rushing forward in my stress and tiredness. Not sure…but acknowledging the pledge is the first step. Stay tuned for the progress….

Have you ever had  a “No Showerliner” type incident in your relationship where you realized you were still shy around your significant other? What did you do to overcome it?

Too Many Elephants in the Room...

Hurricane Irene brought me a power outage and hours of me alone with myself. I honestly don’t know if that was truly all that healthy because all I did was think and I got so upset with everything that I spent an hour an a half crying in the dark by candlelight. It’s not as cool as they make it sound in the emo songs. Not at all.

In the past few weeks I’ve had some great moments with my boyfriend, that truly have made me happy. But then something changes or something happens and I get so pissed at him but usually I calm down. This weekend I could not calm down my anger. He said he was sorry but I couldn’t open my mouth to accept. We are starting to get a few elephants in the room that we are not talking about it and I’m starting to feel the strain. One elephant is religion. Yeah, didn’t see that one coming. We are seeing opposites on what we want our kids to be brought up as if we stay together even tho we both follow Christianity to some extent.  Another elephant is that he’s too competitive and I just want to have fun playing. It isn’t fun when someone is beating you at the game constantly to the point where you can barely play back. Then there is the Wingman shit that I hate and he knows it. It truly is his friends fault that they want him to be a wingman because he’s a safe guy to do it cuz he has me, but somehow I don’t see it that way and I feel like an idiot letting him do it. One more elephant is that his friends are all single and I think he feels like if I come around it’ll cramp his style or the guys won’t call him cuz he’s not single or something along those lines. He made a quick comment that he doesn’t think I’m badass enough too that got under my skin. Even just these elephants are making it harder to breathe in my lil studio. 

People keep telling me to march time in the relationship that it might just be a phase with him and even CJ himself said the hanging out in the bars with his friends is a phase but the phase has come back and I miss my boyfriend. I don’t want to have to occupy myself on Friday and Saturday nights or sit home the next night with him because he was out partying too much with his friends. I don’t care if I don’t see him at all during the week I just want to see him on the weekends because that’s when I feel most lonely in my life. Perhaps it’s an only child thing…the loneliness. It crept back into my life in the dark like a snake. The candles were not enough light to keep it at bay. 

I’m torn by marching more time or telling him we have to talk about these things because it’s eating me up inside. I’m scared to talk about these things because I know it will tear us apart for a good. I’m hoping once again we are just having a “Pina Colada” song moment where we are losing who we are and need to remember we do like doing things together. I wanted to make plans to go to a NOFX concert that I know he loves but he was like “Meh”. Why meh?? He should be all up for it but he wasn’t. If it was one of his guy friends suggesting it, I feel like he would have been all gong ho for it. But not when I suggested it. Grrrr.

I’m going to see how this week goes and I guess march some time. Maybe I can get the power back on in my relationship as it eventually came back to my place. I hope…

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Suddenly Seymore is standing beside me.....

And then what do you do? CJ is definitely my Seymore from Little Shop of Horrors who saved Audrey from the trenches of bad relationships. About 3 months ago the heart key locket he gave me for Christmas broke. I guess I had opened it too many times to show the cute picture of him and I inside. I was devatasted and it hit me hard because I knew there was something wrong. I had been right. I thought he was about to break my heart but the time apart was the best thing we could ever have done. We both have to meet in the middle on things and listen to each other.

He said, "I let the wrong ones in, and let the right ones out..." In a moment of vulnerability he quoted Aerosmith but I understood completely.

For my birthday CJ got my locket fixed and I have to admit he renewed my faith in our relationship. I don't know why I held so much importance to such a small lil object but it was the first sentimental gift I've ever received from a boyfriend and what made it awesome was the kiss on the lips and the "I love you with all my heart" when he gave me back the lil silver box. It was just what I wanted.

In return, over the weekend I gave him a key to my condo. I thin k I forgot about that step. We are dangling in that span of time between everything...honeymoon over and now the next steps of the relationships will ever take place or maybe not...but within those big steps there are easy small ones that have as great of a reward. I'm hoping the key will make him feel more at home and comfortable so if we do move into together it won't be such an abrupt change. I think it's working...

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I'm sitting on Cj's other couch listening to him play the guitar. He has such a cute determined look on his eyes to play his songs right. I love it. I wonder what tomorrow will bring with us and then the next day...and then maybe one day....who knows?

So they're Scared....Ohhh I Get It Now...

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I'm not scared of commitment. Somehow I've never been. I picked a car real fast, I choose a condo, picked a college (maybe 4), and said yes to a man I knew 15 minutes who became my world by just asking me out to dinner. Perhaps it's an only child thing or maybe the disappearance of that lonely feeling I had for what seems forever or maybe it's the possibility of a life with someone awesome! I know tho I will freak out like any normal person a lil bit before I take that big step into marriage but for right now I'm cool with taking next steps. I'm not sure other people are like me tho...I'm sure they're not like me.

A friend told me her boyfriend asked her mother for the girl's hand in marriage so he'll know they have her blessing. (Sorry ladies that guy doesn't have a brother, lol).  Then the couple who never fought began to fight...a lot. It surfaced that the guy got very sensitive around her because he was scared of that question he personally without any pressure asked her mom. Almost like he shot himself in the foot with his own fear?? But how come? Why is the fear appearing after the pre-questions are being popped? Is it that scary?

In CJ and mine's break he told me that he got scared. I asked him scared of what he couldn't answer me entirely. The words swam in a sea of "I don't know's".  Was he scared that he found someone he could have a future with? It seems that these next steps are terrifying the hell out of him yet when we met it was for commitment. We both agreed we were looking for a serious relationship. Tho we seem to be buckling under the pressure of it. I'm not sure how to deal with his fear and it's making me scared of things... I'm trying to be there but it doesn't seem to be working. I've chosen to just let him be and let him deal with it on his own in his own head but I feel like I'm not being a good girlfriend by not helping but that's what he wants? I'm at a loss...

I guess we're both in a sea of I don't knows...Fear too.
Relationships are hard...sometimes even harder.

Were you scared of commitment or Are You scared? 

I'm curious...I'd love to hear your thoughts...

So Darling...Save the Last Dance for Me...

 

During the winter, CJ and I used to go take dance lessons with another couple in a lil studio in New Jersey.  Our friend Kate had brought up this idea to break up the winter blues and it used to be so much fun! I remember being shocked at the knowledge that CJ would actually go to something like this and enjoy it. We learned the foxtrot, salsa, some tango, and I think west-coast swing… He used to twirl me around and we’d bump into a few walls, but it all seemed so magical to me that I used to get drunk with the excitement of it. Disney movies used to always show the princess waltzing with their princes and Oooo I wanted that even for just a quick lil hour once a month. 

I guess it was around February-ish or March we stopped going. The other couple’s relationship took a rocking turn and they stopped going, which evidently caused CJ and I to stop. The other day at lunch I drove past the studio and I hit with this wave of sadness because I miss those nights so much. To add an extra stab of it I keep getting emails for Groupons of dancing places, each a lil too far away, and there is a commercial for Living Social.com where a couple is dancing around on a rotating device and I see it every morning. That other couple is long from doing dancing lessons again because of their hectic schedules and CJ seems to want to do more “Guy’s night” stuff on the weekends to wind down from the week so then there is left just me. Cinderella in her dancing shoes without anywhere to go…

The amount of couple friends CJ and I have is dwindling fast too. All his friends are single these days, a couple we used to chill with is moving away, and the one other couple we try to do things with usually the girl has other plans so I’m left with the CJ and his best friend. It sucks. I…I’m not sure how to feel lately but I’m really starting to feel left out of things because I’m a girl. I know CJ doesn’t want me to forget who I am and just be someone “In a relationship” but my friends now are all with their boyfriends leaving me out too. Perhaps I need to just march some time until CJ’s friends find girlfriends or my friends’ relationships become more serious where they do things with other people??? Maybe??

  

I miss going to dance classes, I miss going apple picking, I miss going to festivals with a group of people, I…I’m missing something that I can’t quite put my finger on. It's so classic that one area of your life will get good aka my job when the other parts are in limbo. I hope things get ironed out. I don’t like this feeling of being left out of my life…not at all. 

What did you do in your relationship when the Couple's Ratio is lil to none...?

I'd love to hear...

 

Will it Last?...

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When one area of your life comes back around...another becomes unbalanced. Work was really rough yesterday. Alot of work, deadlines, & piles of unsorted paperwork to be looked at...It's always something right? 

Anywho tho, CJ and I are back on and I think we have the possibility of going stronger than ever. He hates talking on the phone but he's called me morning, noon, and night just to talk to me. We are laughing together at each other's jokes. He's taking the sweet moments to kiss me goodbye, not a rushed peck. He's taking my hand in his with passion and pride. He says, "I love you" while looking me straight in the eye. He must have really missed me in that week. Must have. BUT people have been asking me,  

"Do you think this will all last? Is is just a honeymoon period?"  

To be perfectly honest I have no idea...however I know the key to all of this. Honesty...yes definitely.

I have to apologize for not being completely honest with all of you when CJ and I were starting to have issues. Like I've said I thought it was his inner issue not me and I really had a hard time wrapping my head around it that my relationship was wavering. I wasn't in denial but I couldn't pinpoint what was wrong so it was hard to write about a phantom feeling I wasn't sure of. Thankfully the storm has passed but I have taken so much more out of this break I don't even think he realizes. In our conversations together I'm trying to be honest and I know he is too. Not blunt asshole just plain honesty. 

For example...the guitar was issue with him and me. His band invited him over last night and I told him to go because he told me honestly that was what he wanted to do tonight. Completely fine by me, so we are going to chill today. Honesty with a twist of compromise...music to my ears... If he has had a bad day I told him please tell me....if I can't help, well then I'll just see him the next day. Instead of me being so touchy to him because I don't know what's wrong...he promised to tell me what he could so I don't worry. If I'm going to be more prone to cry because of a certain time of the month I have to tell him. I have to have my girl-time so he can have his equal guy-time. I think we both are ready to fight for this relationship and try...

I really hope this lasts on both our ends. I don't want to throw our relationship to the wolves. Never...I was trying to remove all my pics from Myspace before it eventually gets shut down and I found that there are so few pics of me smiling. Since I've met CJ, way after Myspace....every pic I'm smiling. That is worth fighting for....honestly....

Stolen Moments: I never want to forget this Weekend!

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After recent events, my stolen moments were such happy moments I’ve been bursting to tell of you!

~Spontaneous Weekend Getaway to Amesbury, Massachusetts with some friends. It was all ladies I’ve known from high school & have barely seen in a few years so it was a reunion tenfold! Two of the girls ran in a Warrior Dash Obstacle Course to the finish. I have NEVER seen so much Mud!!!! I was just a spectator in the obstacle course run but I couldn’t escape the mud either! This must have been what Woodstock was like! It was awesome catching up and finding out what the girls have all been up to!  Here’s some pics…~

Debra, Dawn, Me, & Hayley

My poor shoes!! Darn Mud!!

Crazy Debra 7 Dawn running in the mud for the Race!! lol =P

~There are apparently parts of the U.S. that are just highway and trees. It looks scary on a GPS at night when all you see is black around a red highway…lol~

****CJ called me to go to Brunch on Sunday to talk things through because he missed me. I was wondering if he just missed me because I was always around. No, he said he missed me, actually me, in his life more than ever. We discussed our relationship and realized everything was going to be okay and that we BOTH have to be in this and work on it. We have to be honest but not mean and understanding. He apologized over and over and told me he couldn’t imagine his life without me. He even dressed up, wore a collared shirt and nice pants, picked me up like a real date, and I could feel the real difference in him. His kiss is even different too. I can feel it  again down to my toes. He caressed my face as he kissed me. He hadn’t done that in what seems ages…We are back on and we both have to not lose ourselves again…but if it happens we promised to be there for one another and each other get back. We had been dating a year…you can’t just throw away a year. I’m truly hoping for the best ****

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~I went to CJ’s cousin’s party and one of the little girls asked me who “The New Kids on the Block” were because she is going to the Backstreet Boys/New Kids concert. She knew the Backstreet Boys but not the New Kids. Lol. Ohh 10 year olds…if they only knew life before Bieber…The men in music were soo much hotter!~

~CJ sang all the way up to his cousins in the car. He hasn’t sang happy songs in the car in months. We both geeked out and rocked out to some Sublime, Rancid, and New Found Glory. It was so fucking awesome to him happy again. Best stolen moment!~ 

What were your Weekend Stolen Moments…

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