What a Marathon of Stupidity...

 

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Ever feel like your in a daze? A simple daze that clouds everything. My life is taking me all over and this last weekend I regret my decisions. You’re supposed to live life without regrets but this weekend was nothing that was promised. I put trust in a friend that I’ve had problems with before because she can be a selfish bitch and the worse part of it all is that she knows it. She constantly reminds me that “Yeah I’ve been a horrible person to you” etc. She is perhaps one of my oldest friends because I’ve known her about 15 years but that time means nothing to her. This weekend solidified that fact…but I knew better which is why I think I’m so angry and irritated. 

Three strikes and your out in baseball. I should have left and remained gone from that friendship after those 3 strikes. Now it’s a countless amount. I’m really not sure why I stayed friends with her…probably the time we’ve been friends is what keeps me and some common bonds. She will act perfectly normal when it’s just her and me. Near other people…that is a different story. I feel more like her babysitter than her friend and she is actually a year older than me.  She just wants her fun and that’s about it. She could care less who gets hurt in the crossfire. Seriously.

I was promised a weekend up in Rhode Island of clams, tubing, beach time, a birthday bash party, a bar on the beach etc…It all got destroyed by her bringing a certain drug that basically turned the people into zombies and when you give children candy they will eat it all in one sitting. The 21 years old took to it like a fly to a zapper. I don’t do these certain activities so literally over the course of the weekend I just collected dust on the sidelines. She thought they would have the drug fun for a little while and then return to the so-called party. Nope. The WORST part of it all was that a second drug was brought by one of these kids and my friend lied about doing it as well. When I asked if she had taken it she said, “No we’re going to do it later”. LIE. I guess she’s embarrassed by this bad habit but I don’t really give a damn. She ruined my weekend, my mini vacation that was one of my only set of 4 days off til April of next year.

I told her how infuriated I was with her and she just sat in silence and was like “I’m sorry there is no excuse.” If it was the first time I had heard this from her I might have let it slide and said yeah you’re a drug addict you need help. But this is the icing on a long list.  People just suck sometimes. I would have much rather stayed home and spent the time with CJ but no. He even persuaded me to go because he thought I’d have a lot of fun. I would have with the advertised weekend. Not the shit show it turned into. 

Now I’m not sure if they are solvable between her and I and then Cj…I think he’s sick of me having bad days. Everyone has bad days but I’m having a marathon. He wants to have fun and be happy yet I seem to be stuck in the mud. I really didn’t need to have this stupidity happen with this idiot friend of mine. I won’t return her texts. Maybe she’ll really get the picture. Maybe. I hope Cj and I get over this rough patch of time. I don't want to lose him either. I hope.

R before S, ESPECIALLY with your Track Record…

Okay so we ALL have that friend who has always had a boyfriend, lost her so-called “virginity” first, thought she got her Aunt Flo first, & has to call you to blab about her escapades in her dating life. I got one of these friends & hmmm let’s call her Zoe. I’ve known her for pretty much 15 years & I’ve listened to 15 years of her “Sex & the City” type tales. It’s gotten so ridiculous that every time I talk to her which is about every 2 weeks there is a new guy or the guy from the previous week is no more. BUT THEN she gets so upset when it doesn’t work out with a select few of them & comes to me for advice….Now when someone is constantly telling you about all of the men she’s been with or teasing HOW can you possible tell her any advice that would sink into her head that she might ACTUALLY DO???

I can’t tell you guys how many times I’ve told her stick to ONE GUY & be yourself with him because it’s not fair to her or the guy to be such a run-around. What baffles me is that she tells me all the time if I know anyone to fix her up with? How can I fix her up with someone I know when I don’t know if she has someone on the side lurking waiting for that booty call or she’s still pinning for the chasing amy guy she’s hoping will come back? Regardless I really don’t know what to say to her anymore in all of this because I’m blue in the face with telling her that she has to change.

Well when a man she has known for 20 some odd years breaks her heart last night & tells her that he feels like their relationship is just sex & that he wants to take it slower than that & be friends first she naturally freaked out. They’ve been sleeping together for a about a year btw. She is upset because she wants to have the sexual relationship & the friendship but he doesn’t. He didn’t say he never wanted to sleep with her again he just said he wants to know her better because he feels like he doesn’t know her at all except for the sex. That wasn't good enough for her so she ended it completely but is now she is looking to me for help.

Honestly I don’t think he was being mean, I think he was being honest. She took it as a disaster & now wants to be celibate & not date ever again. She wants to give up on the dating life. I told her why don’t you just have a rule: “RELATIONSHIP BEFORE SEX”? She said it sounded like a good idea but I don’t know if it got through her thick skull. I told her try being single for a while but that never works. I’m out of things to tell her. I feel bad but I just don't know what else to say...

Do you guys have a friend like this? What do you tell them when they are going to give up on love & dating?

Free Range Melanie on the Loose!!!

After the shenanigans of the weekend I needed a day for myself. Omg one girl can only take so many days of pure uncensored drama. Thursday to Sunday there was drama so I threw it all out the window & took a day off a work.  I was Free-Range, ready to go as I please. Sometimes you really need to get off the merry-go-round, take that day off of work if you can spare it, because it is refreshing & you don’t feel like you’re at such a dead run. It was a new start & I loved it. I feel refreshed & am ready to go back to work after my lil break. You have to smell the roses…they are there for a reason. Lol.

 

I would like to return to my Weekly Goals part I tried to start a few weeks ago. The first Weekly Goal was make a new friend. It wasn’t very successful over my trip to Maryland. I never had the “We should chill again” moment or the “Oh can I get your number” with CJ’s best friend’s girlfriend. It was okay because I didn’t want to push it. It’s so hard to make new friends I think after college, especially when you work with all guys. I guess I turned to my boyfriend’s friends to see if their girlfriends were friend lonely too. Oh well it didn’t work.

 BUT the world works in mysterious ways. Two other of CJ’s friends girlfriends over the weekend both asked me for my phone numbers, asked to add me on facebook, & told me they were happy CJ found a great girlfriend. They said they haven’t seen him this happy in years. I’m glad for that. One of them took pictures of CJ & me at Oktoberfest & she was like Oh don’t we look cool all together. It made me smile in my heart. I’m hoping for the best. Maybe they’ll call us to go movies here & there or go to mini golf or hell just sit & watch TV. Who knows but I think Weekly Goal = Accomplished.  Here’s the photo:

 

This week’s Weekly Goal #2 is inspired by my Free-Range status of the day. Go back to the gym & watch what I eat. I actually went to the gym this morning & walked 2 miles. I didn’t over do it, took things slow, & feel like I did something healthy. I LOVE my gym now because they updated their treadmills so they now have chargers for ipods in the lil console on them. EUREKA! Talk about motivation. I’m going slow but I want to lose 15 pounds over the course of the next 2 months. I think that’s a realistic goal. Let’s see what I can do.  My inspiration ladies are Jennifer Hudson & Marilyn Monroe. Ms. Monroe to remind me whatever size I wind up she was still beautiful in a size 14. Okay, here we go..

Do you have any goals for this week? If so I’d love to hear. 

P.S. I’ve been having some problems with blogger too lately. Has anyone had problems with their posts showing up in the Items reader on your Dashboard? Mine are horrifically delayed. Any help would be most appreciated too. =) Have a good day!

A World Full of Maybe...

This weekend was slow & a lil more relaxing. I have to get off this huge roller-coaster ride because it’s starting to affect me more than I’d like. The next 2 days I’ll be running errands, hopefully seeing “Eat Pray Love” & relaxing. Is it bad that I wanted to go to work today so I could relax? Yikes! Well I’m going to introduce a New blog feature for me to get the ball rolling. At the beginning of every week I’m going to do a Weekly Goal to get a jumpstart on some of the mini things I need to get done before I move & somehow get a lil of my sanity back. Lol. Here we go:

Weekly Goal #1: Make a new friend.

I realized recently that all my friends’ lives have twisted & turned as well as mine so I don’t get to see many of them as much as I would like. Relationships, jobs, family, moving away, yeah know the facts of life. It happens but what’s awesome is that when I do see my friends it’s like no time has passed by. I think that’s a measure of true friendship. I also realized that I haven’t made many new friends since high school & my first year of college that aren’t acquaintances. Yeah know the people that you see in the super market or if there’s a huge party & you’ll say hi to them, maybe ask how they are, but it’s not really a friendship. Maybe I’m lonely lately. I’ve been hanging out with CJ so much that I miss my friends but their equally busy so I’m hoping to broaden my horizon a bit.

I might have a chance to make a new friend this week. I might be going to Maryland with CJ & his best friend this coming weekend. The cool part is Cj’s best friend has a girlfriend. I’ve met her a few times & she did come to my birthday party so I’m hoping maybe just maybe her & I can become friends. I’m not going to force it but I’m going to try & be extra nice & maybe we could have a developing friendship. CJ doesn’t get to see his best friend much because he is always with this girl so if her & I become friends maybe we can all do things together once in a while & CJ can have his friend back? Who knows? The girl & I are facebook friends so I’m going to do some research to see if we have similar likes & use that to see. We’re also the same age & used to watch “Buffy the vampire slayer” so maybe we’ll click?

Who knows what this weekend will bring if it happens! There is a rumor of a hurricane coming towards Maryland but I looked at the weather for this weekend & it doesn’t say rain so I don’t know. I had one of my best friends do a very crappy thing to me recently that I’m still not over yet so I think this would benefit me to get some new friends too. I’m going to keep my fingers crossed! See ya later! =)

Where were they going without ever knowing the way...

It feels so good to be home again I can’t begin to tell you. This weekend I went to Rhode Island with a friend & yes there were some fun times but I’ve never been so tired & drained from the ridiculousness that occurred. I went with the friend I was supposed to go to Las Vegas with & apparently she has become the rudest girl on the planet. I’ve been her friend for almost 14 years & she’s a complete bitch to me. I stayed away from her til we had to leave. She even told me that if there was a zombie attack she would push me in front of the zombie then run so she could survive. Wtf? This is the girl that I’ve helped more times than I can count. I drove her to the hospital when she was sick, stayed with her when her parents were away, been there for her…but she’s a druggy bitch. Unfortunately I didn’t have the greatest weekend. However I did get to eat some clams & oysters!! =)



BUT there were some highlights. I did get to go back to New Port, Rhode Island to see more of the gorgeous mansions there. I got to go to the Elms & the Marble House. It’s funny how amazing they are inside. There are rooms with solid gold trimmings on the walls. You look up at the ceiling and there are paintings in the ceiling. There are lil scallops for door handles. The dressing tables, the tapestries, the artwork on the walls. It takes my breath away. I couldn’t take any pictures inside but here are some from the outside!




I’m so happy to be home. I like Rhode Island but I’m such a New Yorker. However the sky at night up there is so gorgeous because there was no cities near where I was so I got to see all the stars. I even got to see a few shooting stars. It almost seemed magical. I spent most of Saturday night by myself because I was avoiding the friend but I fell into my own lil world where any dream seemed possible. The feeling past & I went back to reality though.

My reality is a lil haphazard at the moment. I made a decision to give CJ a chance & now I’m on the brink of making another huge decision that will change my life entirely. This decision might be the driving force I need to get myself a new job because I’ll need the money to do it. It’s an opportunity that doesn’t come along very often…I’m almost 25 & I’m feeling it because the choices I’m making are big ones that will affect me as well as my family. I can’t afford to be battered by crappy friends anymore & be downgraded because I wasn’t born with a silver spoon in my mouth either. Things are going to change & they will be for the better.

I made a wish on that shooting star…I hope it comes true. Til Tomorrow…

I made a mistake.

A while back I made a decision to let a certain friend back in my life. Yesterday night I came to the conclusion that I made a mistake. This girl I’ve known her for 13 years but she has gone down certain life paths with certain activities that I just can’t follow. Last night was her birthday party & it hit me that she just doesn’t give a shit about anybody but herself. I agreed to be her designated driver but an incident happened where regardless of how drunk you are, how tired & cranky you are, or whatever it is you should step up and help your best friend. She didn’t help me & it was ridiculous.

Some of her friend’s friends came with us to this bar run we did & by the end of the night of course these guys raked up a few drinks. When it came time to leave for the night one of them decided that he was going to be a rowdy asshole & pull my hair & try to push me over the trunk of my car belly first & try to press himself against me. This all happened in a matter of seconds but immediately I pushed him off of me & started screaming at the top of my lungs. His friend that was the mutual friend started yelling at him as well as me & he started bitching that no one tells him what to do. Well no one fucking pushes me over my own car & have their way with me. We forced him into the the guy’s car & they drove off.

NOW my so-called best friend watched it all from inside my car & did nothing. She didn’t get out of the car, she didn’t do anything even tho it was HER friend’s friend, & just was like, “I’m drunk I wanna go home”. She barely cared. She didn’t do anything. She was conscious & yeah didn’t do shit. Her friend did, he helped constrain the guy & apologized to me, but she didn’t do anything. When she called me about tomorrow this was her response,

“If I was more sober I would have helped but Miles apologized.”
That’s not good enough for me. She didn’t apologize for not helping, she just brushed it off. Now if this was the other way around I’d be running out of the car & punching that kid because he put his hands on my friend or calling the cops. Nope, she did nothing because it wasn’t happening to her. Thankfully I was sober & alert & was able to handle the situation but seriously what the fuck??

I made a mistake letting her back in my life. A huge mistake. I can’t trust the people she brings around, I can’t trust her drug habits, I can’t even trust her to help me if something goes horribly wrong. I stopped talking to her once due to shit like this. Her not caring & not acting right in times of trouble.

I’m upset. I have so few friends as is these days and crap like this just makes the number smaller. I’m done. I can’t put myself in these situations hoping it’ll be a good day & something won’t happen. I’m shaking my head as I write this. How could someone care so little about their best friend? How? I will be rectifying the situation this week. I can’t go on like this. I just can’t. Sorry everyone to write such a raw entry but it’s part of the story & it’s the truth. I’ll have a fun post tomorrow, I just can’t muster up a smile tonight. I just can’t. Til Tomorrow…

I wish I could make it better between us...

Have you ever had the relative that you just wish you had a better relationship with them? Now just to let you guys know that I'm an only child & I have a very small immediate family. Counting my mother & father's side there's only 13 of us. I know that's not a lot of people, so I desperately cling to the relationships I have with my 2 cousins. My boy cousin is 25 & my girl cousin is 21. I wish I had a better relationship tho with her.

On Easter Sunday today I got to see my lil girl cousin. I will never know anyone more weird. Im sorry but for someone who also has a small family she is just really odd. She never says "Hello" anytime I see her. She didn't hug anyone but our grandparents when she came in today. One time I actually went to hug her & she backed away from me & ridicolously said, "Oh I don't hug people." People??? People????? When did your first cousin become people??? She always tries to put herself above me in status & does the "Oh you have no idea what my college is like". I went to college for 6 years...I think I know a few things.

Basically I think I'm just really upset that the lil girl I remember going to her Baptism when I was 3 years old & would want to view her as my lil sister just doesn't seem to like me or want to have anything to do with me.

I just don't understand why she acts so distant. She talks like I don't know her & like her mom isn't my Aunt Mary. About 2 years ago I had fibroids removed from my right breast & the SAME day I had surgery she was in the SAME hospital getting her foot checked for something. Did she come up the ONE floor to see me or give me a hug or anything? Nope. She never even wished me well. She did when I had my gall bladder out but the other surgery...she was there & couldn't find the 2 minutes time for me. What the fuck is up with that?

Easter was good, I saw some family, but that pit of my stomach with my cousin just hurt a lil more. I hugged her with my initiation of it & said "Hey" & I got no response of even a "Hi" back. Ugh.

I want to try and be her friend but I just don't know how? I tried getting her to go to lunch or something in the past but she basically screamed my ear off about how bad college was. I didn't even get a word in.

For those of you with younger siblings or younger cousins...How do you connect with them?? It's not like she's 10 & I'm too old. She's 21 & I'm 24. Not much of an age difference but there is a Gap the size of an elephant. I'm really at a loss. Just a loss as to what to do.

I wish that she would be part of my wedding party one day but frankly it seems like it would be a chore to her, not a treat. Maybe when we get older, we'll be closer?? I dunno. One can always hope.

How many chances to give? I just don't know...

Friendship. What a tricky word. Tricky in the sense that you could be friends with someone for years but in one moment that person could forget to "think" and throw your friendship out of the window. This happened to me sometime around last May.

I used to have a friend whom her & I knew each other since about 6 grade. That was about 13 years ago. As we grew up we totally went down different paths that included very different hobbies. *cough*. I did not follow where we she went. I couldn't. I'm just not that type of person. I've seen people do too much stupid shit while high or on drugs to even fathom doing it myself. I've never even smoked pot. To be honest I'm completely content with that. It's just not my thing. But my old friend, she used to do certain things.

We fell out of touch over her stupidity in our friendship. She even admitted it was her fault countless times over & has apologized. I didn't accept the apologies. I never thought I'd have to scream at a friend I've had for years because she was belittling me for no good reason. I hate fighting with people. It eats at me that I can't just call them up & resolve the problem & go get pizza. Maybe it's because I'm an only child? I hold onto things too desperately because I don't want to have nobody, so it kills me when I lose friends.

Well the past was then, the present is now. 2 Sundays ago I went to talk to her after about 9 months of silence. I'm going to try & give our friendship another chance. She was shocked I came in to see her at her job but she told me later last week that she was so happy we were talking again. But I was hoping she had changed. I hope she had grown up a bit. Who tells their friends, "Sorry I just wasn't thinking." I sure as hell don't. I'm not trying to paint myself as a saint here & her the bad guy but I think I'm just weary of letting her back in my life.

I hung out with her Saturday night & it seemed like history was repeating with the usual shit I became all too accustomed to be before when we hung out all the time. Sigh. I don't know how many chances I have left to give. I wish I could give a million chances but with her......I'm just not sure. It sucks. But to be true this blog I wanted to tell whats really going on with me. I'm conflicted.

How many chances do you give your friends when you fight?
People say if its true friendship you shouldn't even fathom walking away from them. I'm not sure what type of friendship this is. Real, toxic, she needs me to babysit her?? I guess time will tell, but I think its sad. Real sad that I can't trust a best friend of 13 years. I think her & I need to do girl's night & really talk about our friendship before one of us gets hurt again. I want to know that she will "think" about treating me with respect & maybe I'll give her some chances. Maybe...

I'm the girl on the other Platform: We might actually Meet!

A week or so ago I mentioned a lil story about how I never actually meet a good friend of mine, yet we've talked online for years & he has seen me once across from him on a Train platform. It's kinda like the movie, "Sleepless in Seattle" a lil bit. I knew of him & he knew of me but alas something always happened & we never met. However unlike Meg Ryan I'm not going to fly across country to meet him. I'm just going to drive about an hour or so. lol.

My Myspace friend of 4 years is having a holiday cocktail party this upcoming Saturday. He had left me an invitation on facebook about a week ago. To my unluck, I don't check my facebook for personal reasons, I didn't get the invitation. BUT to my omg luck, to ensure I knew about the party he contacted me to let me know the details. Whew...I'm so happy he instant messaged me about it. I would have felt like a total jerk if I had found it later not realizing.

I almost wish I was going down on a train so I could see if he'd recognize me without the ticket behind my ear. That's the only time he ever saw me in person besides pictures and I didn't see him at all across the platform. In the New Brunswick, NJ train station there's usually alot of people there & I had no idea he was there. I still can't believe he saw me & knew it was me. Weird huh?

Didn't Tom Hanks see Meg Ryan when she went to Seattle but then she didn't say anything & it was just an awkward moment between them? It's been a while since they've played it on TV.

So...I'm nervous to meet one of my friends that I've told a good portion of the juicy stuff about my life for 4 years as well as he has told me. There will be tons of people at his house so I wonder if I will even get to talk to him at all? I mean he's the host. What do I wear??? I have a red, blue, & white skirt & alot of black sweaters....hmmmm...should I wear a skirt or jeans?? Uhh...I think a skirt. I want to look nice. Even though I know him, he's still a new person in my life & I would love to make a good first impression.

*Just Breathe*
Okay I got a week to go over every possible scenario in my head of how it's going to go. I do that. I run things over & over til I try to find something that fits best. Trial & Error. Rinse then Repeat. I just hope it doesn't snow. PLEASE DON"T SNOW!! It's one of his New Year's Resolution of this year to meet me too. I can't let him down.

It's odd how people disappear from my life, & then I may meet someone who may fill that hurtful gap. If my platform friend can pick up a lil piece of me & put it back where it belongs I'd be ever so grateful. I'm grateful for all you bloggers (aka...friends) for putting me back together too.

Well this part of the movie is where the lead girl is singing at the top of her lungs, "Your so Vain" by Carly Simon in karaoke or "Total Eclipse of Heart" by Bonnie Tyler & is trying to forget & making some changes that have to be made. This is going to be good, I hope. =)

The Girl on the Other Platform.

The girl on the other side of the train platform was Me that day 4 years ago. I took this picture about a month ago at the Secacus Train Station & that guy has no idea I took that picture, & probably never will. What a shame, he looks like he's looking off in the distance...waiting for a dream. I wonder if he ever found it?

Well off to the platform story. See, instead of blogger, twitter, & facebook, there used to an online site called Myspace. I was addicted. Yes, I did the myspace poses for my pictures, had the pictures of my favorite stuff everywhere, and had a ridicolous amount of friends I never knew. I even had formed a myspace group for fans of the movie Blade Runner. So one day a certain gentleman joined that group & we started to chat about the movie & other things. He was about 6 years older than me. I honestly didn't think much of him then, just another face that I would never know in person, never get to meet or touch. Myspace was very impersonal & fake to me.

One day I took the train home from college. I got my lil train ticket & then walked up to the platform. It was cold so I had a lot of stuff in my hands & my big winter coat. The one thing I feared was losing my ticket in all this stuff, so I tuck the ticket up behind my ear. It sounds a lil dumb, but I then knew where it was. I waited for the train on the platform & noticed a few people on the other platform opposite me. I remember thinking how creepy would it be if someone put a mirror on the other platform so you would look and see yourself. I'd probably freak. Soon the train came, and I rushed on with the mass of people, found a seat, and dreamed.

Later that day when I finally got home I checked my Myspace to which I got this message from that Myspace group guy, whom which I didn't even realize lived near me,

"Hey Melanie! This may sound weird, but I think I saw you today. I was at the train station sitting on the platform to go to Princeton & saw a chick with her ticket behind her ear. Was that you?? It looked just like you?"
I blinked in shock. What are the odds?!?!?!?! From that day on we've been cyber friends ever since. He saw me through a few breakups, I helped him through breakups as well, jobs, college, and messes. It's been about going on about 4 years.

But the catch here is. We've never really met. We've only ever talked on aim. It's funny. The only time we came close to meeting was that day on the platform. Well the finally in 2009, he wants to actually meet me. We've tried meeting up at the Renaissance Faire but I was too sick. So now he told me, "I wanna meet you before the end of the year." He told me this about 3 weeks ago and I reminded myself of this fact today. Hmmmm...Should I? Should I meet a this guy friend I've never kinda met?

I've realized doing one different thing in your daily routine can cause the weirdest yet coolest change of events. For example, joining blogger. It's introduced me to soo many people that I never would have met. NEVER. I'm grateful for these friendships I'm creating. I need you guys in my life right now. I like having my platform friend too. He's that person that will throw ya a text if he hasn't heard from ya in a while. We have very similar likes, and he's only an hour away from me.

I don't know what's kept me from meeting him. He's not a psycho so no worries there too. hehe. I know what he looks like, he is cute, but we've only been just friends for years so I wouldn't expect anything more on a get-together so again no pressure there. I think I should meet him. It probably will be awkward for a bit in the beginning, but who knows? I gotta do things differently to move on. I have to let new people in my life if they are trying to be a part of it. I'm a creature of habit like I've said. I sometimes need a lil push forward to enter a store, talk to this or that person, a push towards the right direction.

A push. Just a lil push can make all the difference.

Would you go meet him? Maybe just maybe I'd make a new friend. Should I? *Thinking*

"What do you want from me?"

So everybody I took your advice & just tried to feel good today. I totally had a $15 off of $30 coupon, so I went to Express & bought 2 really nice good shirts. The above one is one of them. I dunno I kinda feel like a Fem-Bot in it. Ya know from Austin Powers? lol. Well I need some "Date" shirts. I don't have a full-length mirror in my house so hehe Express Dressing Room will have to do. =P

This morning I made myself get out of bed & straighten my hair again. I walked into work & Omg the 5 men I work with ACTUALLY gave me compliments on my hair & said I looked nice today. I gasped a little inside with some happiness.

While driving home from my lil shopping spree, the whole Adam Lambert thing was everywhere on the radio. His music, he can do what he wants to do, I guess. But...I really like his new song. The chorus rings, "What do you want from me?". I then thought, hmmm...what do people want from Me? What will a new guy want from me when he meets me? What does the Mess even want from me in this horrifically akward time betweeen us? What do my friends want? What would that ex that asked me to dinner want? What do you guys in blogger land want from me?

I'll try to answer these as best as I can:

To the Future Guys I will meet:
You will find a complex girl with tons of likes/dislikes along with all the dreams of the world, and she will try ever so hard at everything she does. When I smile, I'm smiling for real. She will go out with you & she will genuinely enjoy spending the time because it's time with you. I might enjoy that time so much that I might love you. She'll love the little things & the cherish the memories. And I will go see that horror movie with you but I will jump & scream but just put your arm around me, I'll be fine cuz I'll have you. I will even go to every Walmart in the tri-state area to find that toy I know you've been looking for just to see the happiness on your face one day. Oh and please remember I have feelings...that's a key to me. =)

To my Future Friends I will meet:
Oh I got your back girl or guy. I will be there for you just say the word. I will go out & have those gossip lunches & Omg will love them. Even if the times are over I will miss you...if for some reason our friendship fell apart even if it was the worst of circumstances, I will miss you. I will tell you, "Omg you can totally get a better shirt than that & you don't deserve that crap from that guy." I will totally wait in line for the next Twilight movie with you too.

To the people of Blogger:
I will try to be as honest as I can here and speak with my heart. I will try to put out my shoulder if I can, and relate to you if I can & help or root you on! This blog is me. I'm a lil random, I go off on tangents, and I try out a lot of different things, but that's all part of life. I make mistakes, I have my bad days, I regret things, I try not to make those mistakes again...I'm learning. I'm learning to be just me and it's quite a journey. (Oh and the above about Friends can be added onto this one as well.)


The other two questions I spoke of before about that boy & the ex...hmmm...I just don't know what to do with them. It's a battle of friend or foe. A battle that may be over or not. It's too weird to tell. Too odd to make a move or a call...Too akward. To hard to decipher the lies & decode the truth, or the so-called truth. It's not my fault that I thought it might mean something more...or is it?? Time will tell...

Well I hope you all are enjoying this short week. I know I am. I can't wait to come home tomorrow afternoon & sleep. I gotta prepare for Black Friday. lol. Yes, I am one of those crazies that goes out, BUT as a note I looked up you can get up to 5 Years in prison for fighting...even if it's just over a toy or purse. That'd be a funny conversation. "Why are you here?"..."Tax Fraud"..."Drive-by Shooting"..."Drug Deal"..."I took some lady down cuz she bought the last Rock Band"...LOL!! PLEASE BE CAREFUL!!!

Okay one more day at work...Defrost turkey...help mom with more baking...keep dressing nicely...Gotta keep this up...Okay talk to you guys tomorrow. *Hugs*

Title quote is from Adam Lambert's song, "What do you want from me".

"What a shame if all there is...is all thats gone away."
- The Birthday Massacre, "Holiday"

Adding up.

For those of you who don't know, I got my Bachelor's Degree in Mathematics this past spring. I'm very familiar with math. I've taken up to Calculus 5 in school.2+2=4, 5 * 4 = 20, the derivative of 2X is 2, Pi equals 3.14...etc. But I really wish in life things added up that simply.

You can save money, and eventually it will add up to a lil something so you can buy those pair of shoes or go on that trip you've been dying to go on. You can be there for your friends, and it adds up to a friendship that will last for years. You can do all your duties at work and maybe just maybe you will get that promotion or a bigger desk. But sometimes you can be there for someone, when no one else was, and it just doesn't add up to anything.

Yes, there is a certain person I'm talking about so I gotta ask something of everyone here.

What are things that you do for someone that you would hope would add up to a real friendship or perhaps a real relationship?
I have a friend that he is one of those guys who is the, "Oh I don't need anybody or anything" type of people. However when he's upset he always needs somebody. Everyone gets upset sometimes. I've been there for this guy tons of times. He'll have a bad day at work, a relationship will fall apart, no one will show up to his birthday, he was upset that his doggie died, or days where he feels lonely. But I have to leave this guy. He is just a drain on my humanity. He brings me down, when I'm up. But if I'm not there to help him out...who would be? I thought being there would add up to something, something real, something I could feel in my gut...but I still got taken advantage of when I least expected it even just as a friend.

How can you walk away from a friend who you know needs someone to be there for them?

Out of all the math classes I've taken, I've never had such a logic problem or a calculation problem that was this deep & where I don't have enough paper or pens to sit and solve it.


I'm still emotionally up from the possibilities of my new group of friends but I got side-swiped by this detour and I unfortunately clicked the "Follow" box.

But the weirdest thing happened today that turned my frown upside down sorta speak... Where I live there is a lot of rainbows. Maybe because there's mountains or there's wide open spaces so you can see a large stretch of sky...but I've seen probably about 5 in my life. Well today makes 6. What was soooo weird was it was an Upside Down Rainbow!!!!!!! I don't know what to make of it. This is a real picture that I took earlier today. I SWEAR I did NOT flip this picture!!


So there you have it. The sky smiled at me. I've tried to not curse on this blog, (I do a lot in real life), but What the fuck?? I guess everything will somehow be okay if you look at the sky and it's smiling down at you. What do you think?

The gears in my mind are turning...turning ever so much. It will work out, it will add up...just this odd weird awkward time between things is just a lil hard to see past. If this ends in losing a friend, I wish I didn't have to say this, but so be it. I think I'm seeing the movie, "Precious" tomorrow with Erin so that will be fun. I'll write a non-spoiler review tomorrow. Til Tomorrow...

"Let me see you through,
cuz I've seen the dark side too."
- I'll stand by you, The Pretenders

I think I saw a diner about 30 miles ago....

Rest Area. Oh I needed that rest area today. I think this picture is hilarious because of the phone image. I know 20 years ago, even 10 years ago, not everyone had a cell phone so the sign made sense back then. Now if I saw it on the road I would giggle just a little.

Every week I go to the diner that is across the street from my job for lunch. It's my little rest area. I dine alone but I'm an only child so I'm used to do things alone once in a while. No one bothers me, the sweet waitress always gives me a free refill on my coffee & I have never gotten sick eating there. Today I sat there eating my omelet and let my mind get lost in the shuffle of the rest of the diner's conversations. It was glorious. I heard some guy got a colonoscopy, one man ordered a coke, one guy ordered a coke to go, one lady with 3 kids was rushing to the bathroom with all of them, there were laughs, one lady was shocked the waitress remembered her, and just so much pleasant noise that wasn't my own.

I remember back in college those nights where a group of my college friends would talk for hours and hours in the diners about everything under sun. Diner conversations are the BEST I think. They answer the world's random questions & the BEST topics are discussed.

Is time travel possible?
What Beatles song is the best & how come the jukebox doesn't have it?
What combo of milk, cream or sugar makes diner coffee so deliciously good?
What truly is the best type of pie to eat after a night of drinking and fun?
The roll-over of past memories...
Figuring out who the undercover cops are.....(That is a very fun game at 3am)
So is this their first date? A Break-Up? or the After-fight meal? of that tired couple over there.
Who is better Chuck Norris or Jean Claude Van Dammn?


Have you ever sat at a diner by yourself or with friends and had one of those complex arguments or discussions that really has no tangible answer, but you'll battle it out with each other or yourself til some answer is found?

I have & I miss those times. I miss the times when a group went out and did something without a drama wheel attached. Now it's just me & a few lingering characters that are true friends. But I always thought a few True friends is better than tons of shitty friends.


As you can tell from my last few posts life hasn't been that easy lately. I'm working through some stuff & trying to feel better; I'm trying not to analyze every single detail & NOT try to come up with an answer. Instead, I'm trying to really focus my energy & find some new true friends who will have those diner conversations with me once again & find a guy who is not impossible to figure out. He doesn't have to be open to me like a book but he at least has to tell me one thing. One thing is all I want. That he enjoys my company & will call. Okay, that's I guess technically two things. It's a start. Yes this is another start after many steps backwards, but this is will be a REAL start. I promise...

A Real Start. Yeah, I like the sound of that.

Btw, I just have to say commenting back and forth with you guys are the BEST conversations ever, too.

"Set me free, your heaven's a lie..." - Lacuna Coil

When you Smile, I smile...I'll smile along with you...

Image is Manet's "A Bar at the Folies Bergere"

This is week has been a series of bad days for some of my friends. You know that person you call when you have a bad day? The one you vent too, the one that will do everything in her power to make her laugh, the one that will drive 45 minute to a Walmart just to make you happy, the one that even if she's dead tired will still muster up the strength and hang with you if you had a horrible day? Well that's Me.

Everybody with a bad day this week called me. I think I'm missing my calling as a bartender or a therapist. I usually don't give them advise because I'm usually as in the dark as they are but I'll listen and try to relate. It got me thinking. Ever wonder what your purpose in life is? In medieval times, you were your occupation basically. The farmer was only a farmer, the painter was a painter, and the king of course was the king. But what about now?? You work your job and the real you is who you are when you leave those doors. Figuring this out is half the fun & twice the hardships of life.

Do you ever think about who your supposed to be? What your supposed to do in life? What's your purpose?
Maybe my purpose is that I'm the person that's supposed to go in and out of groups and just be there for them when I'm needed? I dunno. It's happened to me a lot in my life, where I help someone out and then they leave or I move or forget or they move or we stop seeing each other if it's a guy or life just happens and the time is just not there. It took a friend of mine 5 years to admit that I helped save an ex of mine's life by putting my foot down & taking him to a hospital. (He was having a diabetic attack & he kept saying he was fine, but he wasn't.) Maybe I was supposed to be there. Yeah, most definitely I think.

It's odd how things happen. But they need to happen or else you'd be just a blank slate listening to the wind in your head. And that'd be SUPER boring, so I'm not checking the box for that.


I couldn't sleep at all last night. I think I got maybe 3 hours of sleep. Alot of people I've heard have had trouble sleeping. It's been very hot/cold/hot/cold up here in NY the past couple of nights but I think it's stress keeping me from sleeping. I think I'm sad about the condo I almost bid on. The people left so not seeing their hummer(yeah they had one it was HUGE) is reminding me there is a studio completely empty and how nice it would have been. I feel bad for my friends that had bad days. I don't know what to do with The Mess(He is one of the friend's that called me this week, too cuz he had a bad day). He's around lately but I just feel like I'm not doing anything to keep him around this time?? People tell me if he wants you, he'll come to you but it's far more complicated than that. I think I just need some sleep. Thankfully it's almost Friday. =)

OOOHHH!!! One more thing I was in a dollar store the other day and I actually found this Uber cute Dirty Dancing merchandise. A DOLLAR STORE!!!! Can you believe it? I was like What the hell?? It's a lil compact mirror with an image of Patrick Swayze and Jennifer Grey dancing with some makeup and a lil heart shaped keychain. I love dollar stores because you never know what your going to find. =) Here it is:


Love it!

"When you cry I cry
I cry along with you
When you smile I smile
I smile along with you"
"Footprints" Song by T.O.K.

I wish it was Banana Splits, but it's Friend Splits...

Ironically I can do a split on the ground. Not very well, but that was WAY back from when I was a cheerleader.


Yesterday I went to visit my best friend Danielle. It was awesome when you see a good friend you haven't seen in far too long. The coolest thing about us is that a million years could go by but when we actually chill it's like no time has gone by. We call ourselves the Manielle. We tried on horrific dresses in the mall, tried all the fragances in the bath and body works, ate such yummy hummus & eggplant salad, took some photos, gossiped til our faces were blue, and made those lil butterflies I know how to do.

In our gossip sessions tho there was a real suprise. I thought it was just me that was kinda stuck in the middle of a friend split, mine of which is goin on with my friends up home. She is stuck in one too. In my friend split, I was feelling so left out and alone because the group I used to hang out with ALL the time doesn't exist anymore really. I thought it was just the Mess doing it to me but no. It was a "Friend Split". Well then listening to Danielle begin to tell me about how messed up and apart our ole group of friends from college is I was completely shocked. The game night doesn't happen, that bbq plan falls through, the game of poker is never finished, the movie isn't watched, and all those plans just fade away. But knowing that I'm not the only one going through this void of loneliness, made me feel a lil better.

I think I was hoping to go back to my old group of friends where me and Danielle were like "the girls" and try to find a place among them. That's not going to happen. Where she is there is this weird odd choosing of sides and splitting of friendships too. It sucks, plain & simple. Sigh.

But me and Danielle's friendship is still going strong. We're Fiesty & Ready for life's next punches.

So I right now I will hold on to the friends I do have and treasure them dearly.

Maybe it's the transistion from summer to fall that's got people a lil crazy and stressed? Or perhaps that saying, "Things eventually work out or iron themselves out" is true. It's just not the best outcome sometimes. Well you gotta take off the rose-colored glasses one day. And I'm finally taking off mine and NOT put them back on.

Have you ever had your group of friends just evaporate? What did you do when it happened?
This weekend I'm going to try have some relaxing fun and work some things out. Maybe find a new group of friends...maybe try to make my own group...or try to help save one.

One of the boys I work with told me that I deserve a fun weekend. I'm going to try...


Say *Cheese*