Maybe I know....

It's 11:11 make a wish!!! *Wishing*

So about a month or so ago I was in the Christmas Tree Shop( P.S. Don't ask for X-mas tree in the middle of July, they don't have them) with my mom and started listening to the music playing. They usually play 60's and 50's music there. That's fine by me, I actually really like the oldies. My favorite song is by Brian Hyland called "Sealed with Kiss" and its from like the 50's. Anywho I start listening and I realize the song is about this guy cheating on his girlfriend and she finds out and is upset but she is staying with him because eventually he will wanna settle down and actually really loves her.........Um what?? The song is called, "Maybe I know" by Lesley Gore. I love alot of Lesley Gore songs like, "It's my Party", and "You don't own me" and many aweome others. This one though, hit the nail right on the head.

Now I havent really mentioned relationships yet but in the big picture I've been hurt. If I were a porcleain doll I'm not sure there is enough glue to put me back together without people seeing the dabs of glue. I've had guys cheat on me, I've been ridicolously strung along, I've had my heart royally ripped out of my chest, I've had guys kiss me and then stab me in the back at the same time, they've lied to my face while staring me dead in the eye or do that annoying looking around thing when they talk, I've cried til my eyes have burned for days, I've had toxic relationships, and I've even had a guy call me the wrong name. Some of those things have been my ticket out of the relationships but there is that one guy that lingers in the back of your head always and you hope maybe after all the kicks he'd come back and it would be something. I think thats why I have issues with this song because I seem to be doing exactly what she is singing. I keep hoping that one more time, one more memory, one more song, one more late night conversation will add up to something and that deep down somewhere there are true feelings....But who knows. It feels like I'm trying to make something of nothing and are literally fighting an ocean...yet then one curve ball hits and it's like So do you? Do you like me? Or is it just the friendship being powerful? Its sooooo difficult to pinpoint what means what, what you should do, what got lost in translation. I remember my mom telling me about another guy, "Oh Mel, your being paranoid, yes someone can be sick for three weeks straight." It's laughable. It truly is. Its so hard to read in between the lines. Or maybe I've just run out of glue.

Guys are freaking confusing. I really don't think they have any clue what they truly want. They are indecisive messes. BUT! From listening to the song on repeat a couple times, I think I shouldn't be waiting for his fun to end so our fun can begin. Or just keep up the friendship and forget about anything else....Sometimes something so small as a song can shed some light on a subject or shroud it in darkness. Sigh. I don't know. It's cheap to say guys are confusing, when all the thoughts in my head right now are confusing the hell out of me! I'm just shaking my head because thats all I can do right now.

Here's the lyrics to song:


"Maybe I Know"
Lesley Gore

Maybe I know that he's been a cheatin'
Maybe I know that he's been untrue
But what can I do

I hear them whispering when I walk by
He's gonna break her heart and make her cry
I know it's me they're talking about
I bet they all think I'll never find out

Ohhh but Maybe I know that he's been a cheatin'
Maybe I know that he's been untrue but what can I do

My friends are telling me that he's no good
He isn't treating me the way he should
He really loves me that's all I can say
Before my tears fall I just walk away

Ohh but Maybe I know that he's been a cheatin'
Maybe I know that he's been untrue
But what can I do
Ohhhh

Deep down inside he loves me
Though he may run around
Deep down inside he loves me
Some day he'll settle down

Ohhh Maybe I know that he's been a cheatin'
Maybe I know that he's been untrue
But what can I do

He really loves me that's all I can say
Before my tears fall I just walk away

Ohh but Maybe I know that he's been a cheatin'
Maybe I know that he's been untrue
But what can I do

Ohh but Maybe I know that he's been a cheatin'
Maybe I know that he's been untrue
But what can I do




"What can I do?" - The answer is leave. But can I truly leave? Sigh.

One last ride??

In my last blog I mentioned how the Palisades Mall is removing the Food Court carousel. I couldn't not take a picture.




"..'Cause there's beauty in the breakdown." - "Let Go" by Frou Frou

"Please come with me....See what I see...."

Okay...Here it goes....

My birthday was 5 days ago, and honestly all I have done is sleep. I didn't even dream...It was too deep of a sleep. How boring. I wonder if thats how Sleeping Beauty felt when she woke up? I've actually had a dream once where I was arranging clothes by size in small, medium, and large...and thought Omg please let me wake up!! What is this??? lol. hmmm.....

I'm at work, listening to the rain fall, and all I can think about it is the carousel I saw last Saturday. My mother took me to see Julie & Julia (very good movie btw), and then I noticed that in the Palisades Mall in West Nyack, NY they're taking down the carousel in the Food Court. It looked so sad in it's dismembered state. Only a few horses and the lovers' chair remained. How apropiate though for this time in my life. I imagine that's what it's like to be 24. I'm an adult who needs to grow up, take down the unicorn posters, but there is still a few notes of childhood playing and dreams of a perfect love left. I will post pictures in the next blog.

Well now that it was my birthday I promised myself I would straighten my life out. While driving around at lunch the thought came that if my life was a movie this would be the beginning where you see a frousy girl doing her everyday tasks and some moving emotional song would be playing in the background. Perhaps something by Jewel, Alanis Morissette or Natasha Beddingfield. The potential is limitless for where this story could go. ( I don't even know where it's going...)

I always feel as though I'm waiting for something but for some odd reason I'm on the wrong platform or walked into the wrong store or walked the wrong different path. Maybe I'll find what I'm looking for or it'll find it's way to me. If GPS locating systems were free and had emotional detectors and everyone had one would people be able to find each other better? For example it could tell that I'm supposed to be at that street corner because a future best friend would be lingering there....or that Im supposed to sit at that stool in that bar to share an intimate conversation with the dreamy guy whose plans fell through and needed some company? But I guess the not knowing is all part of the fun of life. But maybe I'm on the right path and it merely just has cloudy reception today.

This age is hitting me hard. It doesn't seem it, but I'm actually excited to be older. I still live with my parents but it was ideal when I was still in college. I want to find an apartment and I absolutely cant wait to decorate. Every time I walk into Home Goods (Its like Pier 1 Imports) I just drool at the possibilites. Having a little china tea set, a mini cupcake holder (reminder learn how to bake!), those throw pillows that add the spice of color to the room, the decorative mirror, and all those fancy little server plates with the designs that Ohhhhh tease me so in the stores. I've been buying those little photo storage boxes and trying to organize. I have one with these little designer shoes painted on it that I keep my hair stuff in. I cant wait to have wall space to put up paintings. I love Van Goh and Degas and impressionist paintings. Like I said I seem to always be waiting....and waiting for an apartment is driving me nuts.

Ooo speaking of hair stuff...this is a nice way to end this today... I bought a little cheap checkered white and black headband in Forever21 the other day and I added it to my outfit today and it just made me feel like I had a little piece of flare. A little touch of feminity that made me smile. It's really hard sometimes to make yourself smile at yourself. Oh yeah..Need to work on straightening out my self-esteem too.

Tonight I'm going to wake up and try to get back in the groove of cleaning and straightening out so I can maybe sit and make a collage with my mom sometime soon. I make collages. My mother is in an Altered Art Group that meets and they gossip and make such beautiful creations. They were nice enough to invite me to a few meetings and one of my mini boxes I have there is all stuff to make something.

So here's a good starting point. Clean the room...so I can begin this story.

Quick end thought: Shakira's new song, "She Wolf" is amazing and motivotional. Give it a listen.

It's on Random...

Well this is my first post to what I hope will be alot of fun. I'm going to start by telling you a bit about me. I'm turning 24 in 3 days and I've just hit a mental block. I feel like that scene in the movie Castaway where Tom Hanks is standing at the fork in the road with all the options in the world to choose from, yet no clue as to which one to pick. I recently graduated college with a Bachelor's Degree in Mathematics and I have an Associates in Engineering Science. Never in my world would I have dreamt I would have made it this far. It took me 6 years to finish my degrees. Whoever started the saying, "College is 4 years" was lying. Perhaps it's the finishing school which has made me feel as though I need to be doing something all the time....Maybe?

For starters, I'm an only child and from the beginning I would take a large cardboard box and make my dream home out of it. lol. I grew up when the Disney channel still had cartoons, reality tv was like Double Dare with Mark Summers, and I didnt get Super Nintendo to what seemed forever and a day. I wanted to be a writer and used to write mini stories but unfortunately I've lost that habit, but the ideas are still floating in my head. My mom has always encouraged me to be happy with what i do. She makes art dolls. I will post her artwork as much as I can. The dolls are just beautiful. She is very inspiring to me. I like to draw and doodle, it had to be from her and I love her for that talent.

I am very random. Before writing this I was at the gym and told one of my best friends that I named my blog Melanie's Randomness and she was said, "Hahaha, thats perfect for you". I do alot of random things. In 2008 I was an extra in the The Birthday Massacre video, "Looking Glass". I'm the dollhead number #3. They are my favorite band. I go to conventions where I try to meet my favorite actors. It's a treat to live about 20 minutes out of New York City. I recently stood on line for about 6 hours in the pouring rain in Wayne, NJ to get an autographed Dan Akroyd 's Crystal Head Vodka bottle. Yes, it was worth it to meet Dan. I have gone all around NYC dressed as Harley Quinn from the Batman Series with a Batman and didn't even get one strange look. lol. I can't imagine what I'll do next.

So the purpose of this blog, is tell you bloggers how much you have inspired me to take a step back and see what life truly is. I have many ideas, many projects, many stories, my imagination always runs wild and I hope to share this finding myself experience with all of you too.