Why is all the Tea Gone??

So I've decided to join the bandwagon but with a lil random twist!! Alice in Wonderland is one of my all-time favorite stories & Disney Movies. I have my hopes up for this new one, so I really hope Tim Burton nails it. I loved Helena Bonham Carter in "Fight Club" & of course Johnny Depp in everything & Crispin Glover in "Back to the Future" so I tip my tea cup to them! What I'm wearing is actually my Alice in Wonderland costume my mother made me a few years ago. hehe. Yea I'm a bit obsessed.

The reason for this post is to bring up a few "Other" Alice adaptions that you all may not know or remember!!


For example Tom Petty's music video for "Don't come around here no more" is Alice in Wonderland themed. If you get a chance Watch it.


I'd never thought I'd see Tom Petty as the Mad Hatter. I think he did a pretty badass job!!

Secondly, do any of you remember the TV show that used to be on Disney called "Adventures in Wonderland"? Remember the white rabbit was on roller skates?? Twiddle Dee & Twiddle Dum had parachute pants?? I used to be addicted to it! Here's the intro! Maybe you'll remember?



Then of course there is Jefferson Airplane's song called "White Rabbit". It's one of my favorite songs!! Here are the lyrics and the video.



One pill makes you larger
And one pill makes you small
And the ones that mother gives you
Don't do anything at all
Go ask Alice
When she's ten feet tall

And if you go chasing rabbits
And you know you're going to fall
Tell 'em a hookah smoking caterpillar
Has given you the call
Call Alice
When she was just small

When men on the chessboard
Get up and tell you where to go
And you've just had some kind of mushroom
And your mind is moving slow
Go ask Alice
I think she'll know

When logic and proportion
Have fallen sloppy dead
And the White Knight is talking backwards
And the Red Queen's "off with her head!"
Remember what the dormouse said;
"FEED YOUR HEAD!" - Jefferson Airplane
Ohhhh I can't wait to see this new movie too!! Anyone remember any of this above stuff or have I lost my head? Maybe I drank out of too many bottles that said, "Drink me" on it? Oops! hehe. Til Tomorrow...

Well now...Hello Everyone!!!

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Well Hello everybody! I never thought that giveaway would bring soo many new people & make everybody happy! I think we all could use a lil bit more happiness & more smiles in our days. Things just seem to be up one minute, then catapult down, & then of course hang in the middle just to drive you extra nuts. I'm not to the point of boiling rabbits but it's been a hard few days. I'm shocked I don't have a few white hairs popping up. But anywho, in this post I thought I'd re-introduce myself for those of you who are new & for those who haven't been here for that long. The one downfall of blogging that it seems to be sometimes like catching an episode of House right after the credits so you miss what the punch line is of the episode. Your then left always guessing what happened in that first scene. Let me turn on the light for ya & roll my opening credits. =)


So who am I? That is exactly what I'm trying to figure out in this blog. One thing I do know is this quest of identity is nothing but random!! I've found out that I was in a mess of a relationship where the only option to save some form of my sanity was to leave, I know that "One Size does NOT fit all" (no where close to it), I realized it's actually possible to get over an ex who truly burnt you to the ground, and if you try a whole bunch of random new things you will actually find something you like to do & it will make you smile! Life throws you these tangents that will make your head spin & you will literally be upside down for most of the ride. What's funny is that you pay for that at 6 Flags Great Adventure, life gives you it for free.

I'm currently writing a zombie novel in a Writer's Group that I will talk about from time to time, I go to Cooking demos at Williams Sonoma to try to learn how to cook, I'm a recent graduate with a bachelor's in Mathematics so I do posts of Saving Money Ideas at the end of each month, I'm trying to see if I like doll-making, and Oh yeah I can catch over 20 pennies off my right elbow. People tell me I look like the late Britany Murphy (R.I.P) so I've been called "Tye" most of my life. I like it. hehe.

I have a past & I will sure as hell have a future...so I'm basically working on that middle.

I used to describe myself as Rapunzel waiting in the tower for her Prince to come back. Well now, I'm waiting for a new prince to find my glass slipper. I've found many frogs lately that I just have to throw back because its not worth the aggravation. I also try to take as many opportunities as I can...

I'm a lil lost at the crossroad but isn't that every 20 something at some point or another? You try new things to see what fits. Well here's my story with all its randomness...I hope you enjoy your time here and once again...HELLO!!

It's March so its a lovely time for a Giveaway!!

One of my all-time favorite things to do is to sit & have a glass of wine. Now you can too if you win this giveaway sponsored by CSN stores. They have everything from bar stools to totes to glasses to everything!! They are an online retailer based in Boston that started out in 2002 as two employees and one online shop. They have now become one of the top 3 online US reatilers of home and office goods with over 400 employees and 200 online stores. They sell cookware, toys, furniture, pet supplies, the list goes on and on. And they even ship most items to Canada!


Well today I will be hosting a giveaway from them for (2) iittala Essence Set of Two 11 Oz. White Wine Glasses. Here is the link to the specifics on them: iittala Essence Set of Two 11 Oz. White Wine Glasses. Isn't it pretty?? I love wine glasses! =)

TO ENTER:

1. For 1 Entry: Visit CSN stores & leave a comment below stating you want to be included in the giveaway with a valid email address!

2. For 2nd Entry: Become of follower of my blog & leave another comment! Or if you are already are a follower tell me in another comment & you get an extra entry.

3. For a 3rd Entry: Leave another comment what you would toast to with your new wine glasses!

4. For 4rd & 5th Entry: Post about this giveaway on your blog or sidebar!! Leave yet another comment with the link!

I'm sorry to say this giveaway is only open to

U.S. & Canada.

I'll do another one soon for everyone.

This giveaway will end on Friday, March 5th. Good luck everyone!! Have fun with this! =)

We all need a lil mad money somtimes!

Firstly everyone thank you so much for your comments. My grandfather is doing a lot better. He’s still in the hospital til about Wednesday. I’m glad he’s there because God forbid there’s a complication he’s in the right place. =) I went and hung out with my grandma & aunt today to keep them company. When someone in the family is sick you all gotta pinch in & help. =)



In other news, I got one thing on my mind lately that’s driving me nuts. Money. At the end of each month I try to do a post where I talk about saving money tips. People may think that a single girl in her 20’s that lives at home probably is able to save a lot money because she doesn’t have to pay rent. Nope, guess again. I tried so hard to skrimp & save this month but somehow my last 2 paychecks just evaporated. All the spending from the holidays didn’t help either. So I’m going to try a lil harder this month to save! =) I compiled a list of tips that may help you out too! Here it goes:

Saving Money Tips from February:
1.Buy your own Nail Polish: Now I LOVE getting manicures, it’s my favorite girly luxury. But those weeks were your just not feeling the French manicure why not just go to the store & buy one of your favorite colors & do it yourself? I have some issues when I paint my right hand cuz my left hand is wobbly but I got used to it. Also the benefit of doing your nails yourself sometimes is you can touch up whenever you want!!

2.Only buy the quantity you need: Yes we all see the sale signs in the store Buy 1 get 1 50% off or the cartons of strawberries for a better price, but if your not going to use it fast enough or not wear the other one (yea know just buy it because of the sale) then what’s the point? Pocket the extra money instead!

3.Friends & Family Discount @ the gym: Some gyms actually have a friends & family discount every once in a while. The one I go to has that they can join for $5 bucks a month with only a $20 installment fee. That’s a lot less than I pay. It’s small change to save but it adds up!

4.Frequent Customer Cards: Now for the girls who always go to the same salon to get their mani/pedi's or their hair done why not see if they have a frequent customer card? The nail salon I go to has that after 5 manicures you get a free one. They stamp your card each time you come in & its really easy. Who knows? It couldn't hurt to ask! =)

5.Free Demos: This one is cool. Now for those of who don't know I go to Williams Sonoma free cooking demos. They demonstrate techniques & products so you can see how to use them & get some free recipes. It's alot of fun & its free breakfast. hehe.

6.Set Realistic Money Saving Goals: This can also be used for a diet. Set yourself some realistic actual do-able goals. I want a grand to go to Europe but I know it will take me a few months to save up not just a lil bit of time. So I'm trying to save a lil here & a lil there & hoping it adds up. I know it won't take a day or a week but some time. You gotta stay focused & don't give up!!!

7.Part-time Job: I got hit with a whooper of a health insurance bill each paycheck so I'm honestly considering getting a retail part-time job. I'm not sure yet but the extra money may get rid of the "Omg I will never be able to afford to move out of my parents house!!" feeling. I got to think about it, but it is an option.


There are so many small ways to save that really if you take a minute & think about it, goals can be reached. It just takes a little time. A lil time makes all the difference. I hope everyone has a good week. Stay tuned tomorrow because I'm going to be doing a giveaway!!!! Til Tomorrow...

Sometimes you gotta just do what you got to do.

Hey everyone, I apologize for not getting back to everyone's comments & frequenting your blogs that I genuinely love so much. The last 24 hours have just been insane. My family got the call that my grandfather is in the hospital. He's doing better but it's been an ordeal. Sometimes you gotta put the Barbie dolls back in the box & be an adult usually when you least expect it.

Thank you God for making him pick up the phone at dialing 911. Seriously, older people can be very very stubborn, meaning they think "Ohh I'm fine. Don't worry." My grandfather has had a heart attack in the past so he didn't take any chances this time. He might have a stomach infection or something else but definitely an infection. He's in the hospital, he's in good hands so I'm not that worried. Whew!

Calling all the family & keeping them updated, making sure my grandpa was warm, keeping the peace between sides of the family, and getting out with my sanity was an ordeal. I went home because I was just too tired. I'll find out more information when my parents come home. The hospital staff was nice too. I wish I could have given him some ice chips because his throat was so dry.

Today was definitely one of those days that makes you who you are. I'm proud of myself that in times of crisis I can act on what is needed and be calm about it. Somehow it's almost like I've learned the skill. I had a diabetic ex who most of our relationship was when he was in & out of the hospital, I had fibroids removed from my right breast, I had my gall bladder removed last October, & all the times I've been the hospital with my other grandparents. I thankful to be calm in these situations because no one needs another hysterical person. "Keep calm & carry on."

I'll be back up and running tomorrow to check on all your awesome blogs. Blogging has become like driving a car. I don't know what I would do without it! Much love to you guys...talk to you later!!

Spunk & Sass Designs and a few tracks in the snow...

Today I'm going to do something a little special. I recently won a giveaway from the awesome Valerie over at @ Next to Heaven. I literally have not took off the necklace she made for me. She has a beautiful Etsy shop called Spunk & Sass Designs. Every girl loves to put on a little flare for that night out on the town. Whether it be a necklace, earrings, bracelets, wine stoppers..you name she's got such beautiful ones for sales. I'm new to the whole Etsy shop concept, so I think I'm going to make this once a week where I will feature someone's Etsy shop. Today is Valerie's. I love the necklace!! Thank you!!


Here's the link to her Etsy shop called Spunk & Sass Designs. Go check her out!!
Spunk & Sass Designs
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Oh boy oh boy there is SNOW!!! In lower New York state we got about 14 inches. Who needs Jillian Michael's 30 day shred...Just shovel snow for 3 hours, you'll be good to lose some weight. It took a few hours to get my car out & my parents. I saw these cute lil birds flapping around so I had to take a picture.


I'm really starting to feel like Snow White. *Knock on wood* Hopefully this will be the big storm of the season & it'll be it. I want spring. I want to go up to Lake Welch & bask in the sun. I miss tank tops & sphaghetti straps. Soon it'll be spring...soon.

Thank you everyone for your comments on my last post. The concert is next month so I got some time to think & find a guy to take me. I'm not going alone. I think I have a new goal for 2010. To be Drama-free. It sounds glorious. =)

I've never seen the full Godfather Movie Trilogy. I know, I'm a movie-fan but never saw it. hehe. I'm going to sit & watch it while I'm stuck at home. Maybe work on my story. Yeah, Zombies + Snow...I like it. To everyone who got snow, stay warm!!! Til Tomorrow...

Have your cake and eat it too...

Apparently New York state & Alaska switched places. I'm in a blizzard. An absolute white-out conditioned snow storm. They said 10-18 inches by Saturday morning. I would be alright with it if I was getting paid for the time off. I'm not. I'm going to really have to scrimp & save this month & next to make up for these days.

Today regardless of the snow has been an interesting day. When there is snow & your stuck in your house, your mind starts to play games with you. What I mean is that it starts running scenarios in your head. What if this one called, what would I do? What if I did this, would that work? What if I shaved my head, would I be as crazy as Britney? hehe. My thoughts weren't as random tho as I would have liked them to be. They are centered on a certain upcoming concert.


I like a band called Dommin. They are Hot!! They are gothic rock & their lyrics are amazing. That's me with them in the above picture. They sound just like the cd. They are soo good live too. I went to see them back in October. Here's the post if you want to check it out. The Dommin Concert. I went with a certain boy. He is now asking me if I want to go with him again....................

After seeing him & his new girlfriend in matching hats about 2 weeks ago, I don't know if I can go to this concert with him. He asked,

"Are you going with me?"
That seems like a simple question. It's not. What he really means is, will you go with me AND who ever else decides to come along too, aka his girlfriend. I don't understand how he can possibly think I can sit there with them & be okay. There is no place for me in his life. Not one inch of space. No room in his car, no room with all his work friends, no room on his arm for me to hold on to, no room for talking, no room in his bed, no room for kisses, no room in his thoughts, and especially no room in his heart. I'm literally left out in the cold.

He wants to have his cake & eat it too, basically. But I really want to see the band play. I want to go to the concert, its just such a small concert hall that I will see him & he will walk over to me with her & I will lose my cool. I'm not sure what to do. Drats. He's obsessed with the band too so I'm stuck. I have to get over this by the end of March or I can't go to the concert. Ugh this is a mess, like the snow & like him. Maybe it'll snow & it'll get canceled.

I don't know what to do. The snow isn't helping cuz I'm probably not leaving my house til Saturday IF the snow stops. I want to go to the concert & have fun which I know I would have but I'd go home alone & he'd have a new memory with the girlfriend. Why can't Mr. Big just leave Carrie alone? Sigh. Tomorrow is a new day...new way of thinking. I hope my answer is clearer tomorrow. I really hope....

When I turned 24 I thought it would be a 24 hour party. I was a tad bit wrong.

Please, can you please take the mask off? Or rather never put it on??

Well there have been quite a few things I’ve wanted to say about my last few days and it all boils down to this. People that I know in real life are two-face, meaning one way or another people seem to be putting on masks or rather taking them off right in front of me and I wish it would stop. I just can’t understand it. The people I’m talking about are the new people I’ve met as well as some old favorites.

Now the mask I’m wearing in the above picture is a cute lil Mardi Gras kitty mask. I look sweet & cute and it might make you think I’m a fun person who would buy a mask in the middle of February just to bring a smile to your face. (That was my actual purpose.) Behind it tho you can’t see that I have honey colored tired eyes, side bangs, a small mole on my left eyebrow, a button nose, & a minute scar above my left eye. See there is so much more that makes me who I am that I would LOVE to show you, but it’s hidden behind the mask. There is so much more to the friends I’ve met & the invisible masks, the games they are playing, are truly covering who they really are. Behind the masks my friends have put on I can’t see the asshole that he secretly is, I can’t see the drugs she does, I can’t see the lists of ex-gf’s he has, I don’t see the lost job, the stress, the anger or anything that these people really are. I can’t see the truth.

I wish I had seen who certain people really were because I wouldn’t have let them in my life. I had met a guy about a month ago but I didn’t write much about him because I was figuring out who he was. It was all a charade. All a game, all false. I found this out this weekend. He seemed nice, caring, fun, even musically talented. I know I never thought I’d try to date another drummer, but he was cute. He kissed me, then the nice guy mask came off. He started picking at all my faults, calling me a “Mess”, criticizing me for not wearing high-heels, arguing that I wasn’t drinking enough, yelling that I couldn’t parallel park right, and trying to order me around. I think I’ve had the shortest almost-relationship ever. 12 hours. I do not stand for any of that crap from a guy. I will never speak to this guy again because who the hell does he think he is. I guess he has commitment phobia or something. Whatever, not my problem he’s gone. I’m done. Honestly I’m not even upset about it because I don’t need an asshole like that in my life. I’d rather be single than put up with that. Bye jerk.


I wonder what makes people think they have to put a good-guy or nice-girl mask to win people over? Why not be yourself? Looking at this mask I would never want to wear it for more than a night, not my life. That cat mask was actually scratchy, uncomfortable, & I lost all depth perception in it. I only wore it for about 5 minutes because it was a lil suffocating. I wonder if those “Fake” people of the world feel like they are suffocating when they are lying and playing games to make themselves out to be something they are not?? I really wonder.

One thing through this experience with this guy & other people that I've learned is that eventually the masks come off. Eventually too the girdle comes off, the high-heels have to come off because your feet are dying, and the make-up even will have to take a rest. But those things are okay. Personality switches are not okay. I think one of the reasons why people stop being friends & relationships break up because people aren’t honest with each other. They don’t tell the truth. They HIDE out for a while behind the mask & then take it off later. That’s fucked up. I wish I had known the truth.

So I’m going to leave you guys with this one thought. Be yourself. Don’t hide behind a mask of a false person you’re not. I’m real. I’m really Melanie with the frousy hair & I guess I’m a bit of a mess but who isn’t? Everyone has their flaws and it’s what makes us unique. I’m happy to be who I am, so I’m going to take off the mask and try to never put a full mask on to people I meet & know. I hope you remember to take the mask off too when you can.

I'm a total copy cat, but I really like this.

The talented Barry over at Life in Quotations & the lovely lady at My life of Spaz both did this tag & I have to follow along. I'm trying to do this fast before my boss comes back from lunch. I have the worst seat ever in my office because my desk is right in front of his office so he can see my computer screen. lol. I love playing hookie @ work! This kinda reminds me of Rorshach test. You never know what people are going to put down!!

If I were a month, I’d be August.
If I were a day of the week, I’d be Tuesday.
If I were a time of day, I’d be 3:15 am.
If I were a planet, I’d be Saturn.
If I were a sea animal, I’d be a manatee.


If I were a direction, I’d be lost.
If I were a piece of furniture, I’d be an ottoman. (I just really like that word.)
If I were a liquid, I’d be juice.
If I were a gemstone, I’d be a emerald.
If I were a tree, I’d be a weeping willow. (They are so pretty.)


If I were a tool, I’d be a chainsaw.
If I were a flower, I’d be an lily.
If I were a kind of weather, I’d be a warm day in the winter.
If I were a musical instrument, I’d be a violin.

If I were a color, I’d be cerulean.
If I were an emotion, I’d be ecstatic.
If I were a fruit, I’d be a pineapple.
If I were a sound, I’d be thunder.
If I were an element, I’d be iodine.


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If I were a car, I’d be a Lamborgini.
If I were a food, I’d be pizza.
If I were a place, I’d be Italy.
If I were a material, I’d be tulle.
If I were a taste, I’d be delicious.
If I were a scent, I’d be japense cherry blossom.
If I were an object, I’d be a snowglobe.


If I were a body part, I’d be your eyes.
If I were a facial expression, I’d be a look after you laugh.
If I were a song, I’d be "I'll stand by you" by the Pretenders. (I love this song.)
If I were a pair of shoes, I’d be a pair of Louboutins with the red soles.

This just in...Read all about it!

I have a friend who owns a delorean. I’m really considering stealing it & making it into a time machine so I can speed up the future just a bit. I’ve found out that in the months of March & April there are two events that I Omg have to go to!!

One event is that Open Call for a Modeling Agency that I mentioned in my New Years Resolutions. I’ve never really considered modeling but one of my dreams is to be an actress. Maybe an open call will let me see if I even actually want to do this!! It’s a free open call, they do a run-down of what the company offers & they do a screen-test kinda photo-shoot after the questions. I got NOTHING to lose going to this. It’s on March 1st about 15 minutes from where I live. I’ve been watching the locations for these open calls for months to see if they’d come back to where I live. Yup!!! Who knows what’ll happen? I don’t expect for some person to see me & give me the next 5-star movie but it should be fun. Even if nothing comes from it, it’s an experience I won’t forget.


The second event is really cool. I live near a town called Ridgewood, NJ. In Ridgewood there is a bookstore that happens to hold autograph signings for celebrities & their books. I’ve gone here before where I’ve actually met the wrestler Chris Jericho. (He’s adorable in person). One of my ultimate 80’s girl idol is going to be coming to town. Yup, Pretty in Pink star, Molly Ringwald. It's in early April that she will be there signing her new book called, "Getting The Pretty Back." I'm totally excited. I hope we can take a picture with her!! She rocked the 80's chick flicks. Totally.

I don't mind waiting in lines for these type of things either. Ironically I'll wait 4 hours to meet a celebrity but I bitch about the 5 minute line in Dunkin Doughnuts. I don't get it. lol. Those two events tho are pushing me on. I like finding those random events to go too. I live near New York City too so I'm always down for that adventure.

This weekend did not end the way I wanted it to. It seems like Gilda Radner said it right. "It's always something." That is so painfully true. Something seems to be out of place, someone got the wrong number, something or someone didn't belong. This trial and Error game that I seem to be in an on-going loop is getting to me pretty hard now. Different players, different groups & situations, but still this rutty loop. I'll elaborate more tomorrow. I didn't sleep last night, so I'm holding onto the positives to keep me warm tonight. I need them. Goodnight everyone.

A man that dresses up like a bat clearly has issues....

Batman is my ultimate favorite comic book character. I grew up watching Batman, especially afterschool when there were actual cartoons in the 3pm-5pm TV block. I liked that he used to use his mind to do things & he had by far the BEST VILLIANS EVER!!! hehe. I dressed up as Harley Quinn two Halloweens ago because they are just so Bad-ass.

Well today is Friday, ergo I'm heading for the town. But it dawned on me about all the lives we live each day. I'm going to be living two lives today, kinda like Batman. He's Bruce Wayne by day who works, makes money, & a normal guy. Batman is his alter ego. During the day I go to work & put my hair up & wear work-type clothes. At night, the hair comes down, the make-up goes on, & the fun begins. lol.

Here's my Bruce Wayne shot...

Elapse time: 2 hours..Here's my Batman shot.

What a difference a straightening iron and some make-up will do. I'm going out to night to have fun. I mentioned last week before the debacle that I did meet some new people to chill with. I'm going to see them later. New people, new good times, new memories. I'm not forgetting the past, but I'm painting a brighter future. Isn't that what Batman did? He wanted a better future. Well I'm all for that.

I hope everyone has a great weekend. I'm going to try my hardest to relax & have fun. Hopefully I won't run into too many jokers. hehe. =P

And then the writing begins...

Firstly I got to say that back in high school I was the kid who just wrote one final paper, did spell check, and then handed in the paper. I really didn’t edit much. Not even college. I did the assignment, counted my blessings and gave it to the teacher. Well that doesn’t work when you’re writing a novel. It doesn’t work at all.

I bit the bullet and started writing. Ironically I snuck into my old college computer lab with some Princess & the Frog fruit snacks to work on it today. It’s a quiet space to work and there’s a working printer. I fought the waves of randomness and tried not to go off tangent and just sit and write enough for my next week Writer’s Workshop deadline. Omg, if I sent in my first draft of my first few pages I would have been laughed back to grade school. Spell check is NOT what it used to be!!!! However “geez” is apparently a real word. Lol. Next thing we know, “lol” will be a real word too. Now I have a Math degree and an Engineering degree, and that totally does not equal English + Grammar Extraordinaire. So I had to do a lot of editing.


For all you bloggers who are writers and have gotten pieces published and have gone through editing a whole novel I have to give you a round of applause. It took me 3 hours to basically edit 3 pages. It looks like my old English teachers had a field day with this!! But I’m a beginner. This is my real first big writing project. However when I began to write new stuff after the editing was done I felt as tho I completed something. It was tangible, I could feel it, I could touch it, and I could read it. It brightened up my spirits. Also what’s so cool about writing is there is a beautiful creation called the backspace & the insert key. You can add or take away parts. I’m loving it.

Ohhh what a tangled web I weave. I am complex. I strive for simplicity but it always seems that I'm playing chess with everything. One right move, one pawn gone, one wrong move, and then one queen takes the king. There are so many things on my plate but it is making me grow as a person. I’m still 5’5” but my mind is an elephant that could fill a room.


This week I've been trying to show you guys a lil more about me than my ridicolous relationships. The writing, learning the computer programming, making a doll, and there's one more thing that I'm trying to learn as well. This was one of my New Years Resolutions. Learn French. My first language is English and yes I have a very New York/New Jersey accent. How you doin? lol. But in the job world and just for my own pleasure I want to know how to speak to the lovely people I plan on meeting one day. I took Latin for 6 years in high school so hopefully it'll help me here.

Do any of you speak any other languages?? Was it hard to learn?
One thing...its really hard not to sound like a New Yorker while your speaking French. I love the Sex & the City ladies but they don't talk like New Yorkers at all. =P. Practice makes perfect tho.

I'm going to leave you all with a French phrase that I've grown very fond of: "La guerre e finir." Translation: "The War is Over". I'm going to get back to my writing. I'm almost done for next week's deadline!! Wish me luck! =)

What a battle...

Today was a battle from the start. But the battles are what make you stronger. *Take in Breath* I could barely get up this morning, hit the snooze button 4 times, witnessed the signing of a will for the company next store, couldn’t get out of my job parking lot because of the snow, got the last Guardacil shot(hurts like a bitch btw), slipped & fell in the snow, got paid but didn’t get paid for the last week’s snow day(I’m pissed about that), I thought the sports talk was over but now its onto basketball, had a nose bleed, went to a really skinny friend’s for dinner and got just tootsie rolls & Milano’s for dinner(I guess that’s all she eats in a day), & watched probably the most depressing movie of all time. *Let out breath* Whew, I’m really happy to be home right now. Lol.

But on another note the snow was beautiful. It wasn’t sticking to the roads so I could enjoy it. It was that perfect snow that looks like sprinkled sugar. I guess it missed me. For some reason I got the idea to walk a heart in the snow. It reminded me of the Johnny Cash song, “Walk the line”. “If you were mine, I’d walk the line.” That’s one of my favorite songs ever. I would walk the line, if I had the chance. Anywho, here is the lop-sided heart I walked.


I can’t wait for my heart to feel alive again or actually feel something real & tangible. But the snow will have to do for now. I’ll take it on one small dance of steps.

The movie I mentioned that I saw is 500 Days of Summer. I was debating just buying it tons & tons of times but I finally saw it in the library today. It was the talk of blogger a few months ago. I now know why. I wish I could say I related to Summer’s character but no. I related to Tom. Btw, Josepeh Gordon Lewitt is HOT!!! I know what it feels like to want to break plates over and over. I don’t want to spoil the movie…so I won’t say much. However I will say this. If I had to make a movie about my life right now...well I wouldn't be able to because this was it. The movie is not a love story but it made me see that are more assholes in the world than I thought. lol. But I like the last few minutes, it made me smile....

This day was a battle & took everything it could from me. I'm exhausted. I'll make sure to pack some extra armor for the future. I'm off to dream of sugary snow...Goodnight everyone.

Let's brighten things up a lil bit...

Today I opened my curtains & let the sun shine in. It felt so nice to feel the sun because it meant that it was a new day. New possibilities. It seems like I've been in such a dark place lately with only a day here & there where I was happy. I'm ready to come back into the light...

My blog is powered by my randomness. hehe. Bacon eating marathons, disproving one size fits all, concerts, movies, drama, & of course drama. But there are some positives right now that I haven't talked about lately & I think they deserve some attention.

For those of you who don't know I am a bit of a nerd. I pick the isanely hard puzzle with 1,000 pieces & 500 of them are water or sky. I watch Jeopardy ever night & try to get the last question. Once in a blue moon I'm lucky to know the answer. With my math Bachelor's degree, I also have an Associates degree in Engineering Science. I like solving all the problems. It's a challenge. However, there it's difficult to find an engineering or a math degree without the 5-10 years experience. That's why I'm working in data entry. But lately I've been increasing the randomness of my education.

My boss has been teaching me how to computer program. It's not easy by any means of the word. I'm starting off with HTML coding. You know the tags you put in your posts to make certain words italicized or bold. That's HTML. Maybe I'll finally learn how to personalize my blog layout. hehe. It's going to be a slow process but in a way, while I'm looking for a new job I'm going to milk the one I have for everything that they got!! I have to find a new job before the Yankee's start playing again. I can't stand that in my office they listen to the game & due to the radio-TV delay then run to watch it on TV. It's crazy. Anywho I'm enjoying learning something new. It's one more thing I can put on my resume for my new future job.

I use to mention early on in my blog that my mother is a doll maker. She has a group that meets ocassionally & they make dolls. I've recently joined this group. The picture below is my first project.


I know it kinda looks like a scary alien without the head on it & without the cloth over it. This is the foundation of the wire armature that I will cover & place a head on it. I will add the clothes, & put make-up on her. It is a her. lol. I like the lil hands. I never thought of myself as becoming a doll maker like my mom but I'm really enjoying it. When I get my mind wrapped around something, the determination kicks in to finish it. My mom is going to help me complete it. I'll definitely make sure I post pictures.

Somehow, I am actually saving some money too. I know I don't have a mortgage payment yet or kids to care for, but I do have bills to pay. I sat down and did an excel spreadsheet of my expenses for this credit card period. I somehow got my spending incredibly down. I saved at least a $100 this month. Not bad. That's a $100 more towards my future apartment or condo. =)

Another positive is each & every one of you. Thank you for the comments in the past few days. Its so hard to find the words that would be more powerful than Thank you. Hugs to all of you.

It's supposed to snow yet again, so it's a toss up if the weather man gets it right this time about how much. It's says its "Snowing" now according to Yahoo! Weather. It's not snowing at all. lol. I give up on understanding the weather. Well I'm just going to wait & see. I'm going work on my story some more. I'm feeling so much better so til tomorrow everyone...til tomorrow...

The door is closed...so damn closed.

So this is a bit of my fault. I haven't been really on blogger for the past few days because I'm been very sick. There are physical & totally mental reasons for me being ill. THe physical...well I did have my gall bladder out back on October & sometimes my stomach is still a brat. Things don't process right in my system so I have a constant "I'm upside-down" nausea feeling or a slight pain on my right side. At the party I went to on Friday night I also ate Canjun gumbo for Mardi Gras. I don't think my body liked the gumbo very much. Now...the mental part of why I've been sick....

I went to a party I never should have went to. I thought maybe it's been enough time to get over it, maybe he wouldn't bring the girl he cheated on that he's still dating, maybe he wouldn't even show up. The Mess is who I'm talking about. The Mess is my ex who I'm trying desperately to get over. He was my best friend...but nonetheless didn't return my love. I would have been completely cool with it if he had left. No, he's been trying to contact me for the past few weeks for what reason I will never know. I went to a party where there was a slight chance he would come. I was told he wasn't going to come. I was mis-informed.

The Mess walked in with his girlfriend behind him in matching hats. MATCHING HATS!!!!! I was dumbfounded. I never thought he'd be the guy who would dress up like his girlfriend. Or vise versa. It's actually making sick writing about it. It took him about 5 minutes to see me standing there & then ran to me & hugged me. He left the girlfriend's side & hugged me tight, I for some stupid reason mumbled "I miss you" & he hugged me tighter. WHY!?!?!?!?! WHY HUG ME?? WHY TIGHTEN A HUG when his girlfriend just stood stupidly behind him. He hugged me then went back to her side. That was the last thing I said to him...Matching hats??

My stomach started to turn...somer-saulted really. I'm not the type of person who makes a scene in a house of a lady I don't really know so I knew I had to get out of there. He stared at me while she stroked his hair. Well he kinda stared at my feet. The girl he's dating looks similar to me. Brown hair, brown eyes, eye-liner, black shirt, hoodie, sneakers...my usual attire. I WASN'T even introduced to her. I was just the girl that her boyfriend hugged for about a minute with no name. I was waiting for the moment to leave...It came.

He turned to her & told her that they have to go to do this thing soon. The thing was something him & I used to go do. I use to wonder "How could he NOT miss me?" I got my answer. How can someone miss you when they've completely & utterly replaced you? You don't miss them.

I don't know how I kept the vomit down for the 5 more minutes til I got my coat, yelled bye to the room of people & ran out of the door. I couldn't stare at the matching hats anymore. Oh yeah the hats are from a band that I introduced him too. I walked out of the lil house & basically threw up til I got home. Sorry to be gross but it's what happened. I threw up in the snow & then for a few hours when I got home.

My stomach is better now. The combo of everything just destroyed me. Matching hats???? I will never ever understand the long hug & the tighter hug after the I miss you but whatever. I didn't think he'd show up but he did. So now what? I picked myself up off the floor, brushed my teeth & realized I gotta shut the door. I have to slam the door really of this story. Even if I was over it, I can't look at the matching hats. He was too shitty to me. Too shitty, too mean, too toxic.


So that's it. This entry will be the Last time I mention him because he's moved on...I, too, have to move on....The door is closed like the picture.

This Valentine's day was lonely, but next year it will be better. Knowing that has me smiling...Knowing that this mess is over has me happy. So bye to the Mess...I hope your happy. Make your bed & fucking lie in it.

It's 11:11. Here's wishing to a better Valentine's day next year. *Wishing*

"I love you. Always and Never..." - Gale, Sin City

Thank you for the poison apple....

Ohh yesterday. How I miss yesterday. It was like eating a poison apple & drifting off to sleep. It snowed and luckily I got the day off of work. Whew. With that knowledge I drifted back to sleep for more glorious hours. This pause button for a day was beautiful. The hustle & bustle of a week can take so much out of you, & of course the weekend is never long enough so to ACTUALLY get a day off...*dreaming*...I wish it snowed more often. Call me "Snow White" if you want, but I liked getting the poison apple, it made me feel rested. =P

Wouldn't it be nice to just hit a "Pause" button or a "Reset" button every now & again? I know, I know, there is a horrible movie called "Click" where Adam Sandler plays a jerk with a life remote control & abuses it. What if a normal person had the power to truly hit the snooze button just a lil longer & maybe a reset button to start over? Donald Trump probably has this power, that guy has everything. lol.

But really, if you could reset something in your life would you?? If I could rewind the time with The Mess or rewind to when I picked colleges or rewind to when I picked my job or another life decision?? Would I? Nope. I wouldn't because somehow it's making me who I am. I'm stuck with the reddish streaks in my hair til they grow out too. lol. You can't rewind the past, which people keep telling me & it's so true. You can only press play. That we can do. I can play out tomorrow & the next day & the next... Ah so there's the power we have. The power of decisions. It's an incredible power that we all have and unlike Adam Sandler I'm not going to abuse it.

I've decided to go to a party tomorrow. It's almost like my day of rest was a bit of mental preparation for it. I don't know who will be there or what will happen. I'm going tho but it's a party of people from my past. I'm trying so desperately to let certain people go, but they are in my dreams...my thoughts...my future?? I don't know about my future. Maybe I can pack a few extra poison apples so I can instantly fall asleep if drama happens...hmmmm....I don't think Snow White's story tho was supposed to work that way...Oops.

Buttons...I'm going to have to hit a button to unlock my car tomorrow night to drive for the party. Hit a button to start up my straightening iron. Hit the "On" button on my laptop for tomorrow's post....So many buttons, so many decisions...It can really give you a headache. But evidently they must be made. Must be...

Who knows what tomorrow will bring. Work was alright today, sweetly slow due to the snow day. I think it's supposed to snow again on Monday. As long as I don't have to drive in it, I'm happy. Well I'm off to hit the buttons on my alarm clock, tomorrow will be a busy day at least so Snow White has to get some more sleep, see you tomorrow...

R.I.P. Alexander McQueen...you will be missed.

Oh Cherry Notebook...What am I going to do with you??

In my blog I've used my lil cherry notebook to symbolize the posts where I talk about writing. The writing I do besides blogging. Writing with a pen not hitting buttons. Writing a story that I hope maybe someday will find a lil spot on someone's bookshelf somewhere out there. Woa that sentence has a lot of "Some's". lol. Someday....hmmm...why don't I try to make that someday actually today?

There's so many novels, stories, articles, periodicals, & photos with quotes...It's been done. My goal is to try to be original. I know that's hard. But think of this way. Just changing your routine in one small way can open a whole new life of possibilities. I'm writing a zombie novel. Zombies have been done. Yeah, I know. But what if you made them act like a tinker toy that is low on its batteries instead of a raving lunatic?? What if you made the main character not a big-boobed running teenage girl who is just trying to start her film career?? What if she was a girl who just happened to be going to her car with the Christmas presents & when she saw people roaming in the parking lot she dashed into her Honda so she was safe from the attack? Or it's the world after the invasion...What really would happen?? How would you go back to your lives if you survived?????

Brainstorming. It's so UNDER-rated. It's possible but I imagine its pretty hard to just sit down with a deadline staring at you & a blank word document smirking. You gotta think it out. You gotta take the time to write & put your effort into it. You gotta make it your own. Give it your brand. Make your stamp like your blogs. =)

However even after brainstorming it can be a bit of bitch to sit & write. Things start popping up that make your brain fuzzy. That's why I made the above picture of me blurry. I'm a little stuck on the names of the characters. Names. It should be easy to come up with a name right? I looked at a baby name book for ideas but hmmm...I want a punchy name for my main character that flows...that when someone one day is telling another person to read it the name of the character will roll off their tongue. Also I think my problem is I read too many romance novels. lol. I'm picking extravagant names like Cole, Gabriel, Xavier, Rhett, Copper, Jack, Bartholmeu. Or like Chastity, Roberta, Katrina, Victoria...lol. I think I need to start a lil smaller. I think I'll figure this out tomorrow. See there's so much that goes into writing...But I'm enjoying every minute of it. =)

I'm looking forward to the snow tomorrow because I want a day off. lol. I live in Southern NY state near New York City & we are supposed to get about a 12" of snow tomorrow. If I have the day off Pretty please) I want to clean, then write. It's my turn next Writer's Group in 2 weeks to showcase some of my zombie novel project. You can't just keep saying your going to write it. It has to come alive. lol. Kinda like a zombie. =P

Thank you everyone for your comments on my last post. I will make the day special. =) I have to go prepare for tomorrow's snow. I'll have to put my cherry notebook on my desk & pick it up again tomorrow. Ohh the possibilities of when that someday will come...the possibilities....

Just one post. Ya gotta give me one post.

My favorite holiday is February 15th. What seems to be the weight of the largest elephant will be off my shoulders. My favorite color is red but it won't be this week. I'm sorry. I promise not to whine, bitch, cry, or rant about next Sunday at all, except for this One SINGLE post. The reason why I'm going to do it is...it's part of the story that is my life.

I don't have a boyfriend. I'm trying to find someone that I can maybe possibly connect with but I'm drawing a blank. I've met 2 guys in the past 3 weeks. Each have asked for my number & then Never used it. Frankly I'm kinda happy because one of them I found out was a drug addict & when I told him I didn't do drugs it was like a turn-off switch. The other...who knows. I wouldn't be that sad, I would just get back on the horse & try again but the looming date of February 14th really does have me just sitting alone watching, "Titanic" asking so what am I doing wrong? I refuse to be something I'm not but geez I'm starting to feel like a the fuzzy gummy bear you find stuck under a bus seat. Did I like wear my shirt on backwards or something?!?! Is my masacara too runny?? Is my laugh not cutesy enough??

Last Valentine's day sucked. I even was dating someone at the time but he gave me this line days before,

"I can't hang out with you on Valentine's Day because I'm taking my mom to see the new Underworld movie, we should hang out next week."
Yeah, I wasn't born yesterday. It was a lie. When I hung out with him the next week he called me the WRONG name at an pretty awful time. So Underworld with his "Mom" was a good movie...what a prick.

The Valentine's day before last year in 08' was worse. I was dating Drummer Boy and when he found out I had bought lingerie he freaked out. He thought I was trying to make the relationship more serious by buying lingerie specifically for him. I had explained I was just trying to just wear something sexy...he freaked & we had a fight. He thought I wanted more out of the relationship then he wanted to give. I told him "All I wanted was a boyfriend to spend the day with & enjoy it with me". The lingerie was too serious tho. What if I had said, "I love you". I fear what might have happened. Whatever...I'm so over that.

I'm not sure why I'm posting this. It's actually my 25th Half-Birthday today. 25 years. I planned on doing a post about that like a list of 25 things to do before my birthday but meh. I didn't feel like it. I don't feel like I'm where I imagined I would be at this age. I'm just passing time to better things come along but I really wish there wasn't a day out of the year designed to make a single person feel lonely.

It's cool tho, the sun will come up, I will clean for the day, maybe go get my nails done, come home watch TV & go to bed. The sun will come up tho on February 15th. I can't wait. I can't wait to get in my car next Monday go to work & take a sigh of relief that the day before will be over. If there happens to be some weird eclipse thing so there is no sun at 8am on February 15th tho I might go literally insane. lol.

All I want is just a guy to want to spend the day with me & maybe kiss me goodnight & maybe call me when he asks for my number. No flowers needed, no candy. I'm good. I just want someone to spend time with me & want to.

Okay I'm done. I needed to let that out. Regular scheduling programming will resume.

Cupid, don't draw back your bow
Sam Cooke didn't know what I know
I'll never be your valentine
The sleepwalker in me
And God only know that I've tried...
-"Sleepwalker" The Wallflowers.

So when are they going to make a show called, "Mad Women"....

Oh what a tangled web I weave. I'm sitting here watching the show, "Mad Men" & woa. It seems like their lives would be so perfect, yet they are actually far from it. Well we all go a little mad sometimes, especially when we least expect it.

I made my New Year's resolutions to give me focus & determination. Well the engineers of my life had other plans for me. The weather forecast even predicted a 6-12+ possible inches of snow. I'm looking at not even a flurry. The Smile Project I had started seems to be on vacation but it'll be back next week. I wanted a new job but right now I'm craving the stability of knowing I can do my job, do it well, & I know there will be a paycheck in 2 weeks. Somewhere in the back of my head I thought the Mess would come get me, but alas I'm searching for someone new. It's like somehow I've just veered off the paths I thought I've wanted & choosing different things which frankly has me in a whirlwind...and I'm just going along for the ride...

When I look in the mirror tho I still see me. I don't see a copycat of someone else, I'm not staring at a stranger, & I'm not seeing someone that I hate. I see me. And somehow I'm seeing a smile on my lips. Sometimes you have to change your paths & start anew...who would have thought just turning one new corner would mean so much. I stayed out last night til 3am with some new friends & it was awesome. To laugh, to share stories, to just smile. You don't have to change who you are to be happy, but changing the people you're around actually does make a difference. Such a big difference.

In the madness I'm finding a spot for myself & it feels great. Maybe I've found where I belong for a lil while. Maybe... Well back to "Mad Men" I go. The show is addicting. It looks like such a perfect life...or does it...

Bye Bye Miss American Pie...Drove my chevy to the levee but the levee was dry...

Okay so I'm going to let you guys in on a bit of a guilty pleasure of mine. My music taste varies from Cradle of the Filth to the Backstreet Boys to Lady Gaga to Pat Benetar to The Birthday Massacre to Carly Simon & of course alot of fluff in between. But another era of great music I absolutely adore is 50's music. I love the words of hopeful love, the struggles, & the cuteness of the sincerity in the lyrics. When I'm havin a bad day I'll put in one of my All 50's songs cds & just rock out to Dion & the Belmonts, the Four Seasons, Brian Hyland, Elvis, & any tune you swing at me.

Today I'd like to take a minute to remember the following singers who died today in an unfortunate plane crash in a snowstorm back in 1959. Buddy Holly, J.P. "The Big Bopper" Richardson, & Richie Valens. Some of you may not know who these men are but have you ever heard of the movie, La Bamba?? That was about Richie Valens. He sang the song, "La Bamba", "Donna", & "Come on Let's go". His song "Donna" is so heartfelt & so true to real love that it makes ya tear up. It's beautiful. Buddy Holly sang the song, "Peggy Sue" & it's so cute how he describes her. The Bigger Bopper sang the song, ""Chantilly Lace."

The song called, "American Pie" by Don Mclean, you must have heard that song somewhere, is actually about these three men. Madonna, I have to say, butchered the absolutely amazing song in a much shorter version a few years ago."I can still remember how the music used to make me smile..." There was a terrible snow storm & I can't understand why they would take off in the airplane. I guess times were different then & the show must go on regardless of the snow. A coin toss determined the young Richie Valens's fate. It was either him or Waylon Jennings. Richie won the coin toss to go on the plane. The pilot also died. I don't know his name but I think he should be remembered too & not forgotten. Without these singers music wouldn't be what is today. Even Bob Dylan says that.


Richie Valens

Buddy Holly

The Big Bopper
Richie Valens was just 17 years old, Buddy Holly was 22, & The Big Bopper was 28 years old. What a terrible shame. Well even 51 years later after your death all of your music can still be blasted in a Honda Civic in the lil town of Pearl River, NY in 2010. "They caught the last train for the coast the day the music died...". R.I.P. & Thank you for the music.

Here is a video of the song for "Donna" by Richie Valens. I love this song. He loved a lady named Donna & because of life issues they broke up. It's probably one of the most true love songs I've ever heard. If you get a minute listen to it. It's a beautiful song.



"But something touched me deep inside The day the music died."
-Don Mclean, "American Pie"

Are you kidding me??? Really???

Pizza. Ohhh How I love thee. hehe. Well. I have a bone to pick with you. You are messing up a few things.

So I had more pressing matters to dicuss yesterday but another ridiculous thing happened that I for the life of me CAN'T understand. It happened at the Gym. I've been trying to work on my New Year's Resolutions lately. Well, walking on the treadmill is one of them. I gotta fit into the Lacie maybe one day ya know? =P However a strange occurrence shook my whole equilibrium. Hear this out & no the Ninja Turtles were not there, unfortunately. lol.

I walk in to the gym & it appears to be just a normal Gym Monday. Packed-house. I, then, got hit with the usual dirty feet & sweat smell...BUT then another scent waved over me. Pizza. I scrunched up my face in that, "Huh???" look because WHY WOULD THERE BE PIZZA AT A GYM!!!! Right? I was wrong.

Apparently at my gym that I pay to go to, which I can't cancel cuz of huge termination fees, serves Free Pizza on Mondays to the members. Now come on. What the Hell??? I almost pinched myself because I was like is this another messed up dream?? Nah it was live in techni-color. Can my world be anymore backwards?? *knock on wood*. I just looked at it in disbelief. I've been trying to avoid pizza on all regards, because it's really fattening & makes my skin break out, & at my gym it stared me in the face. Grrr, is all I have to say.

I didn't take a slice but then tried to get as far away from it as I could. I went to the back of the gym, but did any of you know how powerful the smell of pizza truly actuall is!!!! The smell was there too. This gym is supposed to be a no-judgement zone but with pizza in the game oh it's on. Also I found out that there is Bagel Morning Wednesdays. I think I have a gym in the Twilight Zone where "gym" obviously has a another meaning.

Well I won't be going there on Mondays from here forth. It was a brutal. I haven't caved in & gotten pizza but grr. lol.

Do your gyms have any wacky crap like Pizza Mondays??? Or am I seriously living in some parallel universe?? lol. Maybe I shouldn't have turned left at the fork in the road. Yikes!!!


So to let you all know about my Last Post...I didn't call or text. I considered it, but I'm going to try & let it go. It would just be the same crap, new year, new day, but same crap. It hurts, but I have to move on. I read each & every comment of all you, & thank you! I needed someone to knock some sense into my head. I can't express how awesome it was to hear all your opinions & concerns & advice. He isn't going to miraculously leave his gf for me & say I want to be you. I gotta live in the real world on this one. I have to at least give it one true shot to move on with my life. I had a life before I knew him, I will have a life after him. I just gotta breathe. Just breathe. Just Breathe...

Just a Matter of time I suppose...

It will be just a matter of time... When I started this blog I described myself as being in that scene in the end of the movie "Castaway" where Tom Hanks is standing at the crossroads. He's trying to decide which path to choose. Well I'm right back there tonight. I'm so tired because I actually had a nightmare last night about this decision I have to make. The nightmare showed me a possible future of what it would be like if I stayed the "friend". Who I'm talking about is my Brown-eyed Mr. Big, The Mess. He imed me out of the blue on Saturday night. My blog really isn't just about my relationships but it just happens that one ex after another keeps popping up one way or another lately. I guess I didn't do anything wrong in the relationship because why even try to come back in my life or check up on me?? Why?? What do you want from me??

It's almost like I'm re-living the same angst day after day except a new ex keeps turning wheels. This one, The Mess, he's a big ex that I don't think I have the words tonight to describe how much he ripped out of my heart & then put on a disguise of being a friend. I think what hurt the most was his, "I don't care" attitude. For those new to this boy on my blog in the end all fight he told me,

"You don't phase me anymore."
I don't think any girl should ever be told that. Well, I had known him off & on for 3 1/2 years. Oh right, he was my best friend too. The guy who came to me with everything. We did so much together. I've been there for him countless times & everytime it came time for him to return the favor he wasn't there like he should be. I tried so hard to be something to him, but my hardest wasn't enough for him. He never said, "Will you be mine".

I could have done more tho, I could have put my foot down & said, "Yo what the fuck is up with us?". But I didn't. I think somehow I thought if I stayed around it would end up something, but somehow there was always something holding me back. I actually haven't even seen him since Halloween night...yeah it's been that long.

BUT what's got me today all torn about him is that he imed me on Saturday. I didn't answer. I didn't know how to say all the words I wish I could say. "I miss you, I hate you, I hate your new girlfriend, I miss you so much, I wish you chose me, you told me to go to hell 3 months ago so i did & now you want to know Where I've been???? WEll fuck you". But I froze. Everything in my gut told me to walk away let it go. When I told my friends I didn't answer him they all said, "Good, I'm glad you didn't answer, he doesn't deserve your kindness." But its eating at me. What if this will be the time he will want to be with me? That DAMN Maybe keeps getting me everytime in these past months.

I don't know what to do. Text him or wait til he actually signs online again & talk to him?? My head is telling me to forget it & walk away. My heart is aching. I loved him for 3 years. Maybe he's checking up on me cuz he actually misses me too? But I don't know with this guy if I could be just his friend. Our relationship went way too far. Would it be like the nightmare I had last night? Could it evidently destroy my heart further??

This guy got under my nails & I thought he was gone. Well now it's my choice to figure out if he will stay gone or not. What a crossroad. I'm so torn. Follow my head or my heart? Ack. I'll figure something out, I just hope I don't regret my decision. I just don't know....To let him back in or not...I guess time will tell.


I'll have a better post tomorrow, my mind is just all messed up right now with all of this. Tomorrow will be a new day & maybe a good night's sleep will help me out. I hope.