Thursday, November 3, 2011

"Don't you know that your Toxic..."

However, I'm not quoting the same context of that oldie but goodie Britney Spears song.

I have a very toxic person in my life and it's honestly affecting the rest of my daily life and it can't go on like this.  The "The Devil Wears Prada"is a hint on to who it is, but even with freedom of speech there are subjects you can't go blabbing about online without thinking of the consequences. Someone left my life that I really trusted to show me the way...I've mentioned it sparingly here but as I've said, the result is affecting me all over the place.

I feel anxious and have come to the point where I fear asking a question. I've been warned of the sarcasm and a warp sense of humor but it is now ridiculous. I'm crying almost every day and there is a dull pain in my chest where anxiety is calling it home. I hope people don't ask me "How was your day" because I will start to rant about it and no one wants to hear it.  It's fine some days, I'm treated like an adult with half a brain, but other days it's feels so demeaning. I don't believe the demeaning comments, but it's wearing me down. If I hear "I'm sorry" from one more of my friends because they don't know what else to say I think I'm going to snap.

I wish I could just dress more fashionable and play the game but it's going to work off the giant movie screen. I've tried to listen and learn but under the pressure of it all it's really difficult. The fake smile and the child-like answers and questions are big chunks of ice and I don't have an ice pick to break through it.

BUT I'm not giving up. I've tried taking it from this person because of her position above me but I have to fight back. It may cost me more than I can afford to lose right now but something has to change. I have to stick up for myself. Cj is right. I have to bring order to the chaos...Yeah....

Order to Chaos...

I miss my smile. Everyone does...It needs to come back. It will...Starting tomorrow I have to remember this crying, anxious girl is not me. I'm better than this, and I can do my job better than the girl before me did it. I will show them they hired the right person and just because I'm asking a question doesn't mean I should be treated like this and/or that I wasn't taught something doesn't mean I'm dumb when I struggle.

Tomorrow is a new day and I'm counting on it...

Til Tomorrow...


Grandma Yellow Hair said...

Wish I could help you solve this problem that is obviously making you sick.
Stay strong, hold your head up and take care of you and yes Tomorrow is a New day and you will make the most of it

Wendy said...

Hold your tongue for now and start looking for a new job asap. As someone who was in a similar situation for 4 years, you will regret putting up with it. However, don't bite your nose off despite your face. Save the choice words until your situation is secure. :)

Sheri, RN said...

I hope that things are changing for you moving forward with this. Finding your voice sounds like an easy thing, but in situations like this, I know it is really hard. I've somewhat been there, and I too have the somewhat dry sarcastic sense of humor lol Ever since that experience, I don't let anyone talk down to me, and I always stand up for myself. I don't seem to have much issues with it anymore. I guess people learn not to try that shit w/me anymore lol I know you'll be able to do it too, and hopefully then they'll know not to mess with you either. ::hugs::

Sell WoW Account said...

hope everything works out soon . . :)

xoxo said...

I hope things turn out well. It sounds like a bowl off of suck just fell on you. I sure you can shake it off and come out on top though.

Anonymous said...

I completely know how you feel...I worked for a bully once and I took it everyday and tried to make him happy and nothing ever work. He finally crossed a line and I looked for opportunities within the company to move away from him and my new team welcomed me with open arms and appreciated all my hard work. He on the other hand ... ended up leaving ... so in the end ... I was the winner.

So don't let this person beat you down. It might seem like all is lost. Maybe look for a new outlet...I used the whole..."wanting more experience" to get moved from my bully. If that's not possible...I agree with might be time to start looking for a new job...good's rough out there!

But all in all...remember that they are the miserable F*CK not you! Try to stay strong and not take it personal.


♥ Shia


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