Tuesday, September 29, 2009

"Miss Melanie! How are you today?"

My bosses ask me that question everyday. I always want to tell them about my real day, ya know the truth, but a small "Okay" usually always comes out of my mouth. They grunt or go "Oh that's good" and return to their respective offices. It's just easier this way. If I really told them what goes on with me...I think I'd get the blank stare after and then the "Okay So Call Office Team Immediately and hire another girl for the office". It's a little rough and lonely to work with 5 guys all day long. My poor mom then gets flooded with all the stuff from my head in a rant session I do everyday to her when she gets home. I'm sorry Mom.

Well I'll tell all of you my real day.

I realized in this blog I've been happy for the last 2-3 weeks. My posts are cheerful, productive, informative, and have a lil skip to them. I want to continue that ohhh sooo much. The reason I think I've been peppy is that The Mess (My Brown-Eyed Mr. Big) was around for a while. I'm not his girlfriend, I'm the best friend(The Julia Roberts "Best Friend's Wedding knockoff pretty much)....when he isn't dating someone. When he's dating other people I never see him. However, he is this guy that is always in the back of my head. I love him, he knows it, but we just can't seem to do anything to make it work. He never asked me out and I just seem to be waiting for him to do it but I don't think it'll ever happen. The problem is...he just makes me happy, so I go back. He even will spend a night with me just swinging on the swings at the playground where we live...

We aren't honest with each other I think. I know I'm terrified of telling him how I really feel because I fear he'd leave me and not even want to be my friend anymore. But I have NO IDEA how he feels about me. If I'd ask him, he'd probably be an asshole about it. He actually even read my diary once. (I was absolutely devastated and he didn't act like the end of "Bridget Jones' Diary" where he just bought me a new one when he saw all the bad things I wrote about him.) After the diary incident he fought for my friendship back, so I think he at least values me in his life. But we could have the perfect day including mind-erasing kisses goodnight & the "huns" & the cuddling, but then he never calls when I say call me. The next time I'll hear from him he'll be seeing someone else. But then they'll break up and he'll spend time with me again. Or if he's had a bad day he'll call me...This has been going on for 3 years this vicious game/cycle between us. I just don't know what to do to repair it or fix it??

I feel like I'm setting myself up for another heartbreak again from the same person. I'd call him but I know he's at work. We used to talk for hours online, but he doesn't go on Aim anymore. Maybe I should just tell him how I feel. I think if I don't hear the "No" I keep hoping I'll hear a "Yes" one day. It's a mess. sigh. I have to figure this out one day or I'll be boiling rabbits before I know it. I run it over and over in my head like Carrie did with Mr. Big and like her I in the show could barely figure it out. Now I'm waiting for him to call but I know when enough days go by I'll give in and call him...maybe. I just don't know what to do?

Besides about him, my mind just races. I described it before as a TV set flipping through the channels, because the remote is stuck between the couch cushions. That's exactly how it is. I over analyze things til my face is blue. I've been really obsessed with money lately. This whole almost buying a condo made me realize that if I work a little harder and march some time maybe this time next year I can buy something. I might have to go back to retail to get a part-time job for the holidays.

I also came to the conclusion that in searching for a new job with my new resume that I have no clue what type of job to go for?? I have broad degrees in math & engineering science and I'm not sure how to combine them into a specific job. I think I need to speak with someone. Maybe go back to my last college and see if someone can help me.

Tomorrow my Dad is having a procedure/test done. It's nothing major but I'm worried. It's a test that could have either a good result or a bad one. I know he'll be okay, we're tough lil cookies in this family but I'm still upset. It has to be done so we know. But I just wished that when one of my bosses asked me today, "Miss Melanie, how are you today" and I told him about my Dad, that I hadn't said a word. The boss made me upset instead of feeling that my dad would be okay. My boss gave me a life lesson of it's inevitable that people will be sick and it will get worse as your parents get older and have to be there for them. I really really wish I kept my mouth shut. I think people don't think. I REALLY needed those rose-colored glasses in that moment and he just shattered them. This boss tells it like it is, he's a realist but COME ON...if a girl is going at lunch to check on her dad because she's worried don't tell her something that might make her more upset...he probably just wasn't thinking.

This is all that ran through my head today. For this reason and so many more is why I answer, "Okay" when I'm asked, "Miss Melanie, how are you today". Sometimes you just have a bad day. I think I want to put the rose-colored glasses back on for just a lil while......

I think I'll call the Mess tomorrow and try to hang out with him even though all the above stuff. It's just...sigh...He makes me happy...

11:11 *Make a wish*


While trying to find something to do also at work to clear my head I decided to start reading Julie Powell's blog. Julie is from "Julie & Julia. That movie is actually what started me blogging. I loved the idea of it and yes I'm hooked. If you ever had an interest in checking it out here is the link. The Julie/Julia Project That link is the for the first entry. It's a wonderful read.


Dustjacket Attic said...

I so wish I could help you make everything right! I kinda want to say cut him lose and if he really wants you he'll find you.

I would go get some information on jobs you would be suited too and go for it girlfriend.

Pixel Wild Child said...

Uuuhhhmmm... Sorry you are feeling a bit discouraged... About the guy, in my opinion, guys always end of falling for their female best friends (which is not the case when it comes to women with male friends), so I believe sooner or later he will feel "the crush", and the thing of reading your diary shows soemthing already... Just don't show yourself as too "for granted", let him know about your flirts, guys you like, etc ;O)

I hope the results of your Dad will be good!
Kisses hun!

DesBisoux said...

oh my... my heart got all squeezed reading your post...i used the "i'm fine" with a huge smile for sooo many years...but you're right, it's just easier at work.
about THE boy...i am probably one of the people who cannot advise you wisely. because i know exactly how you feel. because i don't understand if i make him so happy and he keeps coming back why he doesn't want to be with me...(sorry, i was talking to myself here...!)

maybe that boy needs to stop taking you for granted and to realise he could lose you to a much better guy who would love you and appreciate all your goodness.

but that said, how do you do it, i mean on a practicle level?? i'm still looking for the answer.
because he makes you happy, you can't get any free space in your head for anybody else.
in my case, distance made the job.
i so wish i could just tell you what to do and it would be sorted.
i don't like to feel useless. all i can do is send you all my love and support and lots of bear hugs.

OceanDreams said...

Now I see what you mean about your Brown Eyed Mr Big...you know what love? I think that if it is meant to be it will happen. But...you do not deserve to be played second fiddle. If he truly is your friend he wouldn't come back to you when it is convenient, he would be there for you all of the time. I don't want to see you keep on getting hurt (I don't know all of the exact happenings) but it seems like he may not be the best for you. It's only my opinion and if he realizes that you are a lovely lady and wins your heart, that is fantastic. I only wish you happiness and to find a guy who treats you right and loves your for who you are. You will find him, I am sure of it! :)


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