Today was one of those days where I think I stood up a lil taller, cleared my mind just a tad bit more, and slept off my allergy medication. lol. I did myself some thinking. I know...that can sometimes get yourself in trouble within yourself by getting upset, cry, but sometimes you can hit the problem & solution right on the head.
In my process of trying to get over a certain man in my life & other lost relationships with others I realized something...there is something missing. A sort of unknown concept to me...it's called "Closure". I once had a relationship back in 2003 where it was that first guy who looked at me a certain way & I ran with it. Did everything I could think of with him & even fell in love. He didn't return it tho. It's okay BUT my reason for mentioning him is, well he did something I've never gotten the chance to experience again. He dumped me. Flat out told me, "Sorry I don't love you & I don't want to be your boyfriend anymore". Those words devatasted me at the time but now I appreciate his directness & honesty & I Crave hearing those honest words again. Those words that gave me "Closure" with the relationship.
Ah what a pretty vintage picture of luggage. Baggage actually is a better word. In life people accumulate emotional baggage naturally but lately I feel like mine is a formica set of red luggage that could fill up a warehouse. Why can't I just get over it? Seeing the "In a relationship" status & hearing "Oh I have a girlfriend now...Sorry but you know I'm a jerk". Not getting anymore phone calls...no more texts...seeing a seedy bleached blonde sitting next to the guy & the cold shoulder approach to me. Why isn't it enough for me to just sit down, cry, & turn the page on them???
There's no closure. That's why. In a race, there is a beginning, a middle, and an end. With me...no guy except that one gives me the satisfaction of saying, "It's over." They dance around the words or do a disappearing act. Don't they realize you need to release a person from the bondage of a relationship...you can't just walk away without telling them, "No more". My exes, one by one, have to tried to contact me in the past year....Why? They think they can because they never fullly closed the door, never gave me the closure. Well that's fucked up in my book.
So without giving me closure, it's almost like they are thinking they can just pick me back up when ever they want. Well I got news for them. I might NEVER get certain messes to ever say the words ending his time in my life...but I have to somehow find a way to give myself closure on it. Maybe I will have to step forth like I did 2 weeks ago & walk right up & say, "Hey, your driving me nuts with your games & I don't like it". I need to make this flower bloom again...the flower being my smile, my ability to meet someone new who isn't an asshole, & the ability to say "Woa I had a nice night with that guy...not just a few moments".
It's a struggle like everything sometimes is, but realizing that I have to come up with my own ways to bring closure to these dating disasters within myself is a step in the right direction. I think... I never thought I'd say I wish I had a break-up fight to remember....but I do wish I had it. It would make things alot easier right now. But I will bloom again & chase the morning...defintiely.
So what can I say to end this. Am I insane for wanting closure to my relationships? Is it too much to ask for a break-up, not a fade-out? Does closure even exist? I hope it does. I really do.
Title is from the song: "Chase the Morning" from Repo! The Genetic Opera.
28 comments:
i was about to tell you to talk to those guys and tell em stuff like.. 'Umm.. sooo you did this and that. but why is it soo fucking hard for you moron to say that its over and done with? " and then they have to come up with something right? and only accept binary for answers. :). i know what you mean. i keep getting that. even in relationships that i am not suppose to feel that. but what can i say. we are only human. my hugs to you :)
I do get what you are saying...the fadeout...that's not good is it. Maybe they don't have the guts to say the truth, maybe you do.
An interesting post darling,
xoxo
Searching for closure is painful and hard work, but when you get it, it's all worth it. Lets the pressure off.
Secretia
It's not crazy at all to want closure - it's perfectly normal in fact.
Awww...I do get what you mean. There's a certain guy I used to be with and then we just kinda drifted. There was never any closure between us. And whenever he is in town it's like he can just pick up where we left off. I think closure, though it may be painful is definitely needed. At least it makes things clear between the two of you and you can hurt and feel pain and hopefully move on from there. how do you let go of someone who never said goodbye?
Thanks for the honesty in this pot. Isn't it both depressing and satisfying when we finally have that eureka moment for everything sucks so much. I definitely do agree that closure is your main issue with all of these jerks. partially I believe they fail to really break things clean because they're cowards and don't even have the decency to tell you things to your face and also because as you said, they like that silly pointless open relationship. but it doesn't work that way, close the book on someone or don't, don't drag it out instead like these guys. you deserve to know firmly that things are over, not this wishy washiness you keep getting. I think it is a great step forward to try and achieve that closure yourself. good luck!
Closure seems difficult for guys. Relationships are such a challenging mystery.
Like some guys want to maybe remain friends, that's impossible depending on how you feel about them.
I was very much in love with my college boyfriend of almost 4 years. One weekend he just vanished. Out of nowhere. He didn't take any of my calls, ignored my pages(before cell phones) and was just totally MIA for an entire weekend. We were very close and I actually thought something horrible had happened.
Finally Sunday at 2AM he broke the news to me that he no longer cared for me or loved me. Melanie, I cried for days and days, weeks even. I wanted to marry this guy. Six months later he sent me a box filled with my stuff and a one-line note, "Hope all is well."
We never had a talk or a letter. It just was over. He never wanted to see me again.
11 years later, he adds me on facebook-we have not had one email or message exchange since then. Weird, right? We both got married to diff people in 2008. I still often wonder what could have been.
Sorry I used your comment area as a blog post :( You've inspired me though, I may need to write an entry on closure, if I do, I promise to give you link love.
FourthGradeNothing.com
It's not crazy at all. Everyone needs closure.
I love all that bright vintage luggage! Incredible ;)
I don't blame you for wanting closure. I find that I have experienced the fade-out a few times myself; and though the most recent time was over three years ago, I still find myself mulling over what actually went wrong. And then, without closure, you begin to blame yourself. Closure is like an unwritten rule in dating. It gives you peace of mind; a sense of comfort. You just want a reason to the question...why? :/
SIGH
Totally know where this is coming from and it really is incredibly tough without that 'closure', before that definitive moment when you just KNOW it's over..
I wish you all the happiness..
hoping you get closure where you desire it the most..
HUGS
Why don't you get a say in this? It sounds like it is all up to the guy to tell you like it is. "Be the change you wish to see in the world" if you want HONESTY you're going to have to do it yourself. Be straight with them.
I think you need to love yourself first my dear - don't depend on a guy willing to put you down and pick you back up again when he feels like it for YOUR happiness.
You've got to help yourself before you can help anyone else. Go do things that make you better!
Oh dear! I know almost too well what you're going through. Closure is definately for the strong. And quite honestly, most men I've had relationships haven't been strong enough to give me that closure. Probably becaue they want to be able to stay in my life for reasons I don't care about ;-) But girl, if you don't get closure from him, you need to get it from yourself. You have to move on. You can't stay in limbo. Stay strong and know that you're most certainly not alone! Love ya!
Girl, if you were here i'd buy you a drink and give you a hug. I'm sorry. Just know that you're better than that and every second you spend thinking of someone, THEY WIN.
You're not crazy at all. You raise some very excellent points in this post that I've never really thought of before. I think sometimes people want to break up without completely severing ties and I think the post-breakup relationship has never been healthy, in my experience.
I think you know this already, but you've got to force yourself to ignore certain people until they do go away for good. You'll feel better after they're gone, even if it takes you a bit to realize it.
I hope you get the closure you're looking for!
nice post
i like those red color bags pic
woe i like all in this post, great i like the quote
ugh. i relate to this all too well.
and the on-line dating games are SO DISCOURAGING. they are all so interested, and then they chicken out. ugh. ay yi yi.
lately i have been thinking i am not really ready to date. it is hard. i want to move on with my life and have a man, but it just feels too soon.
hell, the whole thing confuses me to death. UGH. i'd just like to be done with the games and the mess and have a good one to hold on to for life. i am sure you feel the same!
Relationships that end without closure is really mentally torturous, I believe. It kills me that you are going through this. It's not fair. Everyone deserves to close that door and move on.
But I guess sometimes you have to close the door yourself and provide your own closure...
I have a close friend who is going through a similar situation as you. This guy she dated for a few months just dumped her completely without saying why or any form of explanation. He deleted her from myspace/facebook/life and she is in the dark. She is traumatized by the situation because she doesn't know what happened. It makes me sick.
Don't let these guys destroy your life. Let the closure be that they are assholes and you need to slam the door in their face.
I don't think you get what you want. You can't control what the other person says or does. Things are never as simple as they seem and we have to do what is best for us without the closure. Without the ends being tied off in nice neat bows.
Honestly I guess that if you had a profound relationship with a person they deserve to leave a fingerprint on your heart. Sometimes it might be a whole handprint, and some memory will crop up, or you'll see them on the street and your heart is prodded by that fingerprint or squeezed painfully by that handprint, but that's the way life is! it reminds us not to fall to fast, but not to fall too slowly either. the only closure you can really get from this is yourself, once you understand and can forgive him for his lack of closing off the relationship properly, that's really the only closure you need for you to move on.
This reminds me of a quote: “To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket- safe, dark, motionless, airless--it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable.” - C.S. Lewis.
I hope this helps your path to be more clear :)
x
Aimee
http://myflutteringheart.blogspot.com
Ya know closure is saying or hearing the words, it's an emotional place.
Just because you hear the words, doesn't mean you're not going to mourn the relationship.
The reason you probably got over the other relationship is because he didn't you back in his life. He was upfront and honest. Unfortunately, not everyone is this way. Many like the attention and need to feel appreciated. These don't want you, but don't have the balls to let you go. In these cases, you need to walk away. Shut down all communication and don't make yourself available.
If contacted, DO NOT RESPOND. Trust me, you don't have to be polite to someone who treated you with little respect.
I agree, it helps getting closure. It hurts more without it <3
Relationships are so complicated and even when they are over are they really ever over? I think that a sense of closure is very important. Sometimes all that means is you finding closure on your own. Maybe writing an email that is filled with everything you want to say but cannot...and then never sending it. Or...sending it. Either way, it seems like the wounds never heal unless you close them up.
I think closure is a really good thing. I have only 1 ex that I still kinda stay in contact with, the rest well either they broke up with me or I with them and it went really bad (usually I instigated it - I'm mean lol) to make sure we never spoke again. I believe people brake up for a reason, so why hold on to something that won't be fixed ya know?
Hey Mel :)
Well, "fadeouts" are sad but also a reality - it happens more than breakups, the best way to get thru is do just that; get thru. Some men are just patheic & UGH as a person LOL with their mouth full of food and know they are! What can you say? Not much, but just shake your head.....
I have a story of my own but it's TOOO long to post. I found out in the end, fading was much better...I didn't NEED to be a "stand by," I needed to live my life. And yes it does hurt, but somehow you find yourself GLAD that it ended the way it did! I know I was.
Have a fab weekend :)
http://areflectionbytuesdai.blogspot.com/2010/04/my-first-blog-giveaway.html
I feel you girl. Closure is something that I crave too. However it is sometimes hard for people to just tell you how they feel or admit that they were wrong. Sometimes you may have to just initiate the closure and then just move on from there. Too bad that we don't live in a world where people can just be honest. Hang in there girl. xoxo. :o)
Love that vintage picture of bags.
Its an ad, but the the hat bag and the vanity bags.......not to be seen now a days.
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