Wednesday, April 7, 2010
"A Sheltered Rose Needs a Little Room to Bloom Outside Her Bedroom"
Today was one of those days where I think I stood up a lil taller, cleared my mind just a tad bit more, and slept off my allergy medication. lol. I did myself some thinking. I know...that can sometimes get yourself in trouble within yourself by getting upset, cry, but sometimes you can hit the problem & solution right on the head.
In my process of trying to get over a certain man in my life & other lost relationships with others I realized something...there is something missing. A sort of unknown concept to me...it's called "Closure". I once had a relationship back in 2003 where it was that first guy who looked at me a certain way & I ran with it. Did everything I could think of with him & even fell in love. He didn't return it tho. It's okay BUT my reason for mentioning him is, well he did something I've never gotten the chance to experience again. He dumped me. Flat out told me, "Sorry I don't love you & I don't want to be your boyfriend anymore". Those words devatasted me at the time but now I appreciate his directness & honesty & I Crave hearing those honest words again. Those words that gave me "Closure" with the relationship.
Ah what a pretty vintage picture of luggage. Baggage actually is a better word. In life people accumulate emotional baggage naturally but lately I feel like mine is a formica set of red luggage that could fill up a warehouse. Why can't I just get over it? Seeing the "In a relationship" status & hearing "Oh I have a girlfriend now...Sorry but you know I'm a jerk". Not getting anymore phone calls...no more texts...seeing a seedy bleached blonde sitting next to the guy & the cold shoulder approach to me. Why isn't it enough for me to just sit down, cry, & turn the page on them???
There's no closure. That's why. In a race, there is a beginning, a middle, and an end. With me...no guy except that one gives me the satisfaction of saying, "It's over." They dance around the words or do a disappearing act. Don't they realize you need to release a person from the bondage of a relationship...you can't just walk away without telling them, "No more". My exes, one by one, have to tried to contact me in the past year....Why? They think they can because they never fullly closed the door, never gave me the closure. Well that's fucked up in my book.
So without giving me closure, it's almost like they are thinking they can just pick me back up when ever they want. Well I got news for them. I might NEVER get certain messes to ever say the words ending his time in my life...but I have to somehow find a way to give myself closure on it. Maybe I will have to step forth like I did 2 weeks ago & walk right up & say, "Hey, your driving me nuts with your games & I don't like it". I need to make this flower bloom again...the flower being my smile, my ability to meet someone new who isn't an asshole, & the ability to say "Woa I had a nice night with that guy...not just a few moments".
It's a struggle like everything sometimes is, but realizing that I have to come up with my own ways to bring closure to these dating disasters within myself is a step in the right direction. I think... I never thought I'd say I wish I had a break-up fight to remember....but I do wish I had it. It would make things alot easier right now. But I will bloom again & chase the morning...defintiely.
So what can I say to end this. Am I insane for wanting closure to my relationships? Is it too much to ask for a break-up, not a fade-out? Does closure even exist? I hope it does. I really do.
Title is from the song: "Chase the Morning" from Repo! The Genetic Opera.