Wednesday, October 7, 2009
To Find Love.
In the movie, "Sex & The City" Carrie asks Louise(Jennifer Hudson character) why she came to New York City. Her answer was the following, "To find love." I think I'm going to start my search of finding love. I've been thinking a lot in the past few days what is it that I want? Love and Love Returned. And THAT combo is something I have never experienced.
I was told when I was 18, that "Oh Hunny it's your age & guys your age are just so immature." I was then told that when I was 20. And 21. And 22. And now 24. I've had relationships but every time it came to the Love word I either never say it or did say it and then got a blank stare in return. Yes I actually told a guy I love you and he just stared at me... Ironically I've even gotten an "I love you, too" from the Mess BUT I never said it first tho.(I still don't understand what happened that day, I was closing the car door, made an arrgh sound and got I love you too out of him, while he actually had a girlfriend and we were just friends, as I was closing the door so I didn't get to ask him wait what? but he acted like it never happened.) I have been in love but yeah I have never had it returned and have a guy show it. Every time I've heard "I love you" the guys have shortly thereafter dumped me or never mentioned it again and next time I saw them they had a new girl or never called again.
I was going to say, "I want a grown up relationship" but then I realized hmmmm...What age do these "Grown Up Relationships" Start?"
My questions are: What age do the games stop? What age does a guy not play games? What age does the guy have to be to be able to say, "Yes, Melanie is my girlfriend". We can work up to the I love you bit but seriously what age does it take for a guy to answer the texts? When will they not treat you like you dispensable? What age will guys not treat you badly so you will leave and they won't have to break up with you? (I am a constant victim of the drive-by break-up, which is basically stop speaking to her & she'll get the picture) Now I'm 24 and the Mess is actually 26, so I guess 26 isn't the answer either. What age will a guy not shy away from a girl who says they love them?
I don't even think this argument can be broken down to age to blame, either. Maybe it's me. This blog's purpose is for me to discover my inner self and perhaps I'm being too understanding and too not-clingy or I'm scared of saying I love you or assuming too much or I'm not broadcasting my feelings from a roof top enough. Or Maybe it could be the guys that I'm choosing or who choose me. But I think what this all boils down to this conclusion: Something has got to change.
And I think it's time for a change. A much needed healthy change.
In the movie, "Fight Club" the narrator mentions that if you keep tonguing a cold sore in your mouth it'll never heal, ergo you have STOP tonguing it and you'll get better. Horrible analogy I know, but it's the first one that popped into my head. Maybe I need to stop certain habits, and recognize what my real feelings are deep inside so I'll look and feel better.
So to find love, I think I have to clear out all the junk in my head and try to let love in. I want a guy who will admit I'm his girlfriend, who won't switch his moods every time I see him, one who will show in his actions that he cares, one who will give his hardest try to pick up the phone or answer my texts, who one day will say, "I love you too" and one who will kiss me awake and maybe JUST maybe stop looking for another girl for a lil while because he has me or maybe forever stop looking. Regardless of whatever age we might be in the future.
Once again I am Rapunzel in the castle, waiting for love but this time it has changed. There is a positive spin to this waiting because I'm not waiting around for a fool and I MUST have the strength try to stick with this.
Btw tomorrow will be my 50th post and I'm going to do my First Giveaway! Be sure to check back around 11pm E.S.T. in the U.S. I bought something a while ago and had to go back and buy a second one to give out as a memento of a great actor and a fabulous movie. <3