Saturday, November 28, 2009
Midnight Angel won't you say you will...
*Breathe* One Holiday down...3 major ones to go. The cruelest one will be the last. I think Thanksgiving is a basically a warm-up to Christmas, but it still takes a lot out of ya. I feel like I got hit with a ton of a bricks. The preparing, the driving, the answering of "How's life" questions, the sales, the people brushing past you, the walking, the lack of sleep, & the utter cross-over to Christmas & Hanukkah. The fast switch to holidays after Halloween caught me abruptly by surprise, but this time I tried to go along with the flow & embrace it. I joined the herd of penguins huddling for warmth.
Well 24 hours later after the madness I sorta feel like I have some semblance of myself again. I did go do more shopping today, but it was better. There was no time limit, no door busters to drive me crazy, & no insane lines. But I have found a new addiction of mine. I love looking at the receipts & seeing the "Total Saved". It makes me giggle. However it's a double-edged sword because I already am a horrific Pack Rat, so I will officially be out growing my living space quicker than I thought. Oh well. I'll have a tag sale in the spring...Maybe.
It's Saturday night and I'm home. Not the greatest with my being put together & going out to meet people. However, taking off my eyeliner & my make-up & taking he clips out of my hair felt glorious. From everyone's comments I'm learning that you need to be put together inside as well as outside. So my inside needs some work. Hmmm...that sounds really weird written. Um well what I mean is that I need to work on my emotions, letting go, & think about things that are good for me, not toxic subjects that are just useless circles in my head. Unfortunately no matter how many times I rant to my mother about let's say "The Mess Boy" it won't change the outcome. There isn't some secret code that I can unlock and go "Ooohhh that's why. Ohhh I get it now."
It's like thinking your in a labyrinth and you think eventually you'll come to the entrance. But there might be too many tunnels & you could have gone to Black Friday & just are too humanly tired. In Norah Jones song, "I Don't Know Why" she remarks that she'd be a "But I'd be a bag of bones, driving the road alone." I completely understand that line.
But it's okay. There has got to be something around the next corner. I feel like a chapter of my life is coming to a close, like the end of a year, and a new one is lurking in the previews. A new job that will be found, new friends, hopefully a new boyfriend, a new train ride, a new perspective. No more of the "Why's??".
In Mathematics, an answer to many math problems is, "Does not Exist". Yeah I know, isn't that fucked up?? It's feels just so wrong to write it on an exam. But it's true. Two lines in a graph can look like they are touching on your calculator but alas, they will never touch, never join, and that intersecting point will simply not exist. That might be my case with these Why's that are keeping me up at night. The answers just don't exist. It's frustrating, but it's a sign to move on. A Huge neon sign.
For tonight tho, I'm left to my dreams. So, "Midnight Angel won't you say you will..." Those lyrics are from the Pat Benatar song, "Shadows of the Night". I hope my dream angel will stay with me tonight, I really hope.