Ohhh there is just so much I want to write. So many feelings I want to express. I almost wish I could crawl into my mind right now and really see what's going on like in the movie, "The Cell" Jennifer Lopez is able to enter people's subconscious mind to truly see the person within. The picture above is Jennifer's alter ego in the film. I wonder what my alter-ego would be like?
From the last few days, my world is just a wee bit upside down. I wonder what's floating around my mind cuz it just seems like a blur of mess to me. It's sorta like after you've bungee jumped there comes a point where your just dangling in the harness dizzy & your waiting for the instructor to basically set you right side up. Well I'm just dangling here. Waiting...to sort it all out & let my life make some form of sense. If I knew my true feelings towards people, events, situations, & memories perhaps I wouldn't feel like I'm walking through such murky waters. I'd like to be more open to people, let them see more sides of personality. I seem to be shielding parts of myself from certain people. I don't think I want to be like that anymore.
There are so many commericals, books, movies, & TV Shows where people come clean to another person & just spill their hearts out to them. Tell them everything. Every word, every thought, every shudder, every smile that makes me tick. I wish I could do that. Maybe if I write a letter to everyone I know & just let it all out. Maybe they would know how much they mean to me? But would it be effective? Would a person see a letter & say, "What is this? The Electric bill?" Or would they take each hand-written word & hold it dear because it was my true words to them?
I don't know what people would do because it wouldn't just be a facebook message that you could delete if you wanted with just a right click of the mouse. It would be something you can hold in your hand & feel the weight of the truth. I could put the messages in bottles but eep no one really swims in the Hudson River much so they would get lost. hehe. Or write the letter & read it to someone over the phone?
I think what I'm trying to express here is the need to reach out to people in my life that doesn't have to do with the computer & the need to tell how they really mean to me. I know I can't hug each & every one of you but believe me if I had some way of teleportation device I would. I'm talking about the people that live 5 minutes from me that I only get texts from. I wish they would value things & see the importance of friendships & family. See how much I need them in my life. And the amazing things just a hug could do. A hug with meaning is worth it all.
*Breathe* Even just writing this I feel better. I feel like somehow I've organized my thoughts a lil. I don't feel as lost. I've taken out one twist in the road. One down, a lot more to go...but they will go...one day at a time. So where's David Bowie to show me how to get through the Labyrinth? huh? just kidding. =)
24 comments:
I understand your feeling. Sometimes those who we think are our friends do not value our friendships in the same way that we do. And it simply hurts when we think we can count on someone, yet that person is not there when we most need them.
Reaching out is good. Making our friendships work is good. But in order to be a true friendship it must be mutual. Both sides must reach each other.
I am glad you were able to express yourself through writing. I find that writing my thoughts out allow me to put the ideas into perspective.
Buenos deseos,
Aquiles from Minute by Minute
oh lady its so hard to open ourselves up to people at times...no one likes to feel vulnerable. but on the other hand, you don't want to miss opportunities to form and have amazing relationships....so take a chance, and reach out! btw- i LOVE labyrinth!! what kind of magic spell to use! lol...
I know exactly what you mean and the David Bowie pic made me laugh - that movie is bizarre! :) It's good to have an outlet like this blog to organize your feelings....
xx
Rachel
I think you do a wonderful job of expressing yourself. We all would like to know what our alter ego looks like too.
Your blog cheers me up, so thanks for that, Melanie!
Secretia
Unfortunately, but fortunately, time helps people to recognize the importance of other people in their lives. I think it is because as you get older you experience more tragic life events.
You've learned early to appreciate others because you've learned the hard way.
I know how you feel girl! And I think maybe you should write a letter out. Sometimes people get caught up in their lives and it just takes a little bit of a reminder (like a letter from someone who cares) to bring them back to the surface where you are.
I love the cell btw, and labrynth.
It would be awesome to get in people's heads and see what they're thinking. Although it would have to be an optional power. I don't want to be sucked into everyone's head because sometimes you just don't want to know.
I think I would get into a lot of trouble with this power.
What Little Ms Blogger said is true time does help people remember. Just the fact you are taking the time to express the words is more then some are able to do.
Don't worry about making a few wrong turns in the labrynth and learn to enjoy the few treasures you do find along the way. It isn't getting to the end that is important. It is enjoying the journey and learning to be prepared for what could be around the next corner.
I felt like I was holding my breath while reading this post. You have the most briliant way of captivating your readers and friends, Melanie. :)
I also long for a way to fully communicate with friends in a way that doesn't involve the computer or phone. Letters seem to be the next best thing, if you can't see them in person. I miss snail mail.
I wish there was a way to snap your fingers and be with a person. I wish there was a way to let people read your thoughts and understand your feelings...
I hope you're having a good week...
I hope you're feeing better today!
Saw you on Joanna's - have a lovely day!
xoxo
I think you did a fabulous job expressing yourself ...and I really hope you are feeling better!!
Thank you for your comment...I'm sure you will find a beret to suit your lovely face...Your blog is adorable...
Sometimes blogging it out is the first step. I hope you're feeling better now.
Blog therapy is really a life saver sometimes, isn't it? Communication is so important, and sometimes people just don't know what to do with things you give them. I think that's why it's easier here. People can choose to step up to the plate, and say what they feel might help, or not.
I think those people close by care. Maybe they just don't know what to say or do. Maybe they think you want them to fix your problems, instead of just caring and understanding. I think a lot of people have that confusion.
Consider yourself thoroughly hugged, m'kay?
P.S. David Bowie is off repenting for those leotards. At least he should be. :P
awwwwi feel you about the whole opening up to people too. i mean... seriously... it's not as easy as it seems sometimes. you just don't know what people will think of you afterwards. or whether you said too much and might regret it late.
but anyway... i hope you finally organize your mind and is able to think clearly! XD i know you can do it!
also, thank you for the comment! it's better late than never and i love your blog! why wouldn't i comment on it!? LOL. silly you! also, ive never seen uptown girls :{ but its my mission to pay in pennies someday.
A letter would be nice. It's out of your control how people will respond, but at least you will have said what you wanted to say. And virtual hugs are good. Thank you. I'm hugging you back.
hmmm. very interesting thoughts you are having. it might be good to try to connect more with those you love, one person at a time. a letter, time spent together, a face-to-face conversation -- it might be good. :)
I understand your feelings completely. I think it can be very difficult to open up but you seem great at expressing yourself here. one of the many reasons I love your blog.
Kate xx
oh I know what you mean, both me and my best friend were here in town for almost a month and we have seen eachother like 3 times if that. THe saddest part is that she lives a block down the road! Its sad to me something it makes me question wether we are even real friends or not. How is it that we can be so close yet so far??
the internet these days means that if something tries to keep your attention for more than 30 seconds you get bored. Its impossible to really communicate anything via an AIM convo, then why is it most of the my deep conversations with people happen over that!? ugg then again, honesty is important in whatever form, but I have found you can be too honest. case in point, i was a little too frank with my roommate last year and said some harsh things I should've kept to myself, it just made our friendship worse. Sometimes truly letting it all out is also tough when it turns out the person you're explaining things to doesn't understand you. then you end up talking yourself into a corner.
Yup, i totally know what you mean.
On the other hand, I know how it is to be on the other side. One of my best friends, who has been in my life since 2001, text me last night to tell me her dad, who had cancer once upon a time (before I knew her)has been told by doctors that he has a very big chance it might have came back. I have offered my support to her, told her I'm there when I need her, but I feel so damn useless at the same time. There's nothing really I can do for her other than wait and see if she needs me. I'm so worried about her though.
Hope you are good, girl. You've had such a tough couple of days. It WILL get better though. I promise.
Sorry, but it doesn't work that way. Remember what happened in Being John Malkovich when he entered his own mind?
oh i wish i could do this too. but i have a hard time expressing myself. but i totally understand what you mean.
I saw the movie the cell and in my opinion, it was messed up. I did not watch another torture or horror movie for a year and a half. Sometimes I wish myself and other people could get in my mind because I don't know how to express myself with so many conflicting emotions.
Sophia
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