Friday, January 15, 2010
But where have I been in those 2 years?????????
Okay. So. In my mind rants where I go over everything I've been neglecting to think of the other sides of things. I've been going over in my head about the Drummer Boy. Like has he changed, what does he want, what will tomorrow night bring?? But I just thought about him. It's been 2 years since we dated & about a year & a half since we've seen each other face to face. Well what is now dominating my thoughts is "Will he like a 2 years older version of me?"
I am totally NOT the same girl that he dated. I was 22 years old, still struggling with school, just had gotten my job I now have, & had my car for only a few months. Now, Frankly I've way more bitter. I've had a 2 break-ups. One is not even worth mentioning & the other was my break away from The Mess. I've been called the wrong name at very inopurtune times, been told just lies after lies, & didn't get respect. I think somewhere I thought if I stayed somehow someway it would eventually work out. Nope, I was wrong. I've lost about 20 pounds from when Drummer Boy first met me. I have all new friends then that time. Oh yeah, I almost forgot, I had 2 major health surgeries. One I had fibroids removed from my right breast, & had my gall bladder removed 2 months ago.
Basically I'm starting to fear that my mental & physical scars over the past 2 years may make him not want me back in his life. I'm nervous. I don't know if I want to even date him again, but what if he does? I'm just not the same naive girl who will just make out in the bar without really wondering "What is this?". I still have the butterfly hair clips I used to wear when I dated him but hair things don't make the person.
I'm going to go tomorrow & be myself. 24 year old me with my baggage in the front of the line. It's not that much baggage, I could probably just stuff it all into a carry-on. I'm also nervous cuz it's been a while since I've been on a real date. Probably around a year with the not-worth-mentioning guy. Why can't things just be easy??? Cuz that way it wouldn't be fun.
I'll try to post tomorrow before I go with my outfit I chose. He used to like that I wore hats back then. I think I'm going to wear one tomorrow. Maybe I'll seem like the girl he used to know.....but I know the second I open my mouth he'll know different. Geez I wish there was a Sex and the City episode like this. Carrie went back to Aidan not the other way around...Actually Drummer Boy is probably more like Jack Burger. He better not break up with me on a post-it. lol.
I apologize for not getting around to everyone's blogs as much this week. It's been a hard & tiring week. That's the only way to describe it. My "A" key actually popped off my laptop too. I can't find the top of it at the moment so I'm just pressing the lil button. I'll try to find it tomorrow morning. I'll try to get caught up as much as possible. Okay I hope everyone has a good weekend. Wish me luck!