Friday, January 15, 2010

But where have I been in those 2 years?????????


Okay. So. In my mind rants where I go over everything I've been neglecting to think of the other sides of things. I've been going over in my head about the Drummer Boy. Like has he changed, what does he want, what will tomorrow night bring?? But I just thought about him. It's been 2 years since we dated & about a year & a half since we've seen each other face to face. Well what is now dominating my thoughts is "Will he like a 2 years older version of me?"

I am totally NOT the same girl that he dated. I was 22 years old, still struggling with school, just had gotten my job I now have, & had my car for only a few months. Now, Frankly I've way more bitter. I've had a 2 break-ups. One is not even worth mentioning & the other was my break away from The Mess. I've been called the wrong name at very inopurtune times, been told just lies after lies, & didn't get respect. I think somewhere I thought if I stayed somehow someway it would eventually work out. Nope, I was wrong. I've lost about 20 pounds from when Drummer Boy first met me. I have all new friends then that time. Oh yeah, I almost forgot, I had 2 major health surgeries. One I had fibroids removed from my right breast, & had my gall bladder removed 2 months ago.

Basically I'm starting to fear that my mental & physical scars over the past 2 years may make him not want me back in his life. I'm nervous. I don't know if I want to even date him again, but what if he does? I'm just not the same naive girl who will just make out in the bar without really wondering "What is this?". I still have the butterfly hair clips I used to wear when I dated him but hair things don't make the person.

I'm going to go tomorrow & be myself. 24 year old me with my baggage in the front of the line. It's not that much baggage, I could probably just stuff it all into a carry-on. I'm also nervous cuz it's been a while since I've been on a real date. Probably around a year with the not-worth-mentioning guy. Why can't things just be easy??? Cuz that way it wouldn't be fun.

I'll try to post tomorrow before I go with my outfit I chose. He used to like that I wore hats back then. I think I'm going to wear one tomorrow. Maybe I'll seem like the girl he used to know.....but I know the second I open my mouth he'll know different. Geez I wish there was a Sex and the City episode like this. Carrie went back to Aidan not the other way around...Actually Drummer Boy is probably more like Jack Burger. He better not break up with me on a post-it. lol.

I apologize for not getting around to everyone's blogs as much this week. It's been a hard & tiring week. That's the only way to describe it. My "A" key actually popped off my laptop too. I can't find the top of it at the moment so I'm just pressing the lil button. I'll try to find it tomorrow morning. I'll try to get caught up as much as possible. Okay I hope everyone has a good weekend. Wish me luck!

20 comments:

Tuesdai Noelle said...

Whoa...........I've always found if I'm not healed by the pass of someone, I don't deal with them unitl I am. In this meaning, you could only gain MORe pain....because what if you've changed, but not sure if they "really" have. It's just a curious adventure, one I try not to get involve with in that form. I need my heart and I need for it not to be broken :) But, if you're able to do so, high 5...best wishes :) Perhaps, things will be different this time as you say....if not, at that point RELEASE it and except is for what it is; "a bye gone". Hope your weekend is cool :)

Jennifer said...

I think it is interesting you were originally contemplating letting him in your life, and now you've been going over him letting you back in because of where you feel you might be at these days...

Good luck. :)

Amanda said...

Good luck on your date...or not-date, but just try not worry about what he'll like or not like. Only think about what you want. Who cares what he wants? If he doesn't want you in his life for the right reasons (and by the right reasons, I mean reasons that make you happy lol) than he's not worth your time and there's someone out there who is worth it and he's waiting for you! (This is something I've been telling myself alot lately in my post-breakup stage)

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OceanDreams said...

I am sure a lot has changed in a two years for the both of you and you may be getting to know him all over again. I hope it goes well and that your nerves subside. Most of all I hope you enjoy yourself and be happy! Have a fabulous weekend love.

Leah said...

Hi Melanie! I missed your previous post but I read it today. So you are meeting drummer boy? Go ahead girl. Although you know that my vote is with Mr Platform, still I advise you to go meet drummer boy. You wouldn't know what's in store unless you see him. There cannot be any "what if?" in the future.

Okay, now to the more important aspect, tell me what you'll be wearing. Hahaha! xoxo

Zek J Evets said...

sounds like you only like him because he might/may/does like you... this isn't a good dynamic to start off a rekindled relationship. romantic curiosity is all well and good, but are you going to just wait and see? seems like you do that quite often, and it hasn't worked out before. be the proactive one! decide if you want a person, and then go after them. and if you don't, then move on and find someone who does interest you.

the drummer boy might have the allure of past intimacy, and you want to see what's changed versus what's stayed the same, but don't try to impress someone who dumped YOU! that just seems desperate, and only reinforces a guy's behavior to treat you how HE wants to treat you (which often isn't how you might want to be treated).

i guess what i'm saying is don't say you're going to be yourself, and then put on a hat just for him when you don't even know if he's good for you (and also that you're probably better off hatless, haha).

either way, whatever you decide, good luck!

Secretia said...

Melanie, it's my opinion that no one can be that "girl of the past". We have to be the "woman of now" Don't try to hard to be someone you used to be. You are good Now as you are!

Secretia

P said...

Just go tonight without any expectations of what he wants from you and what might happen and most important have fun! Good luck! And let us know how it goes. :)

Nitin said...

it would be better if he stuck with you for who you are with your scars and with your baggage. we all know that would be the politically correct choice. but then humans rarely make good choices. thats why we are all such dooches.. i have been playing the same tape in my head the other day. and i concluded that if i would need to move ahead with my life. i would need to drop all my non positive, non functional , not worthwile relationships behind and move on. i am still finding it hard to put bracket A to socket B. but then i think the more i do this , the more better will i get at it. the other day i was able to do somethings of greater significance. and have been able to move that weighted block called 'plans'. wether would it workout in the end or not. i don't know. but then i do feel a bit better emotionally. i am less clouded by errant feelings. more focussed. im not being eaten away by some kind of uncertainty. hope you are able to clear your head :).

jayne said...

Melanie, I know this will sound so hypocritical coming from me, but you seem to be overthinking this situation. it is what it is, an awkward potentially stifled meeting, but since you've already said yes to him, I think I'd just wait and see how it all turns out then judge the evening. But I can tell you this, forget about his wants, what do you really need?

Manju said...

honey just be who you are. we all change with time, but who we become is who we are now.being happy with yourself is much more important than making HIM happy

angel6033 said...

I wish you the best of luck eventhought this may have aldready happened, I have been a bit late in catching up! I hope you had a great time.

avant garde said...

hope your date went better than expected. remember to keep your own expectations high and stick with that. if someone can't or doesn't want to hang then that's their loss :)

StuddedLilly said...

sounds like this date is quite important to you.. otherwise you wouldn't have given so much thoughts to it.. you're still young and just have a good time, enjoy yourself :) good luck ♥

xo

Sophia said...

Good luck! Side note: if drummer boy doesn't like you for what you've become and gets disappointed because his expectations were not met then he's not worth it. Only do what feels right.

Sophia
Check out my blog!
http://apoetscircus.blogspot.com/

The Owl's Closet said...

melanie, best of luck tonight! i think the best thing to do is be ur fabulous self:) besides, u want someone who would want u for YOU and if he doesn't, then perhaps he's not worth it. can't wait to hear how it goes:) i'm sure u'll look great no matter what u wear:)

TheOwlsCloset.blogspot.com

Jennifer Fabulous said...

Good luck!! I can't wait to find out what happened!!

JUST ME said...

Good luck. And just remember to love the YOU you are now. It's essential.

¶ Michelle said...

Just be who you want to be, no matter what people want you to be because in the end its YOU and nothing else in this world can ever change that.

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