Saturday, January 9, 2010

I'm sorry but I have to let my hair down.

I usually do 1 post a day, but sometimes I skip a day if I'm too tired by 11:11pm E.S.T.. Today however I'm wide awake and have to add this. Literally while I was writing my last post about the awards I got a phonecall on my house phone. I knew who it was, one of my mom's friends, so I didn't pick up. I listened to the voicemail & something in that voicemail of the "Call me as soon as possible", I knew I had to call my mom to tell her to call Pat. I finished the post & waited to do my night's plans. I got the news when my mom came home from work. A friend of my mom's & mine passed away today. I've known this lady my whole life. Her name was Mary Lou. My mom & her had an argument about 6 months ago so I hadn't seen her since her daughter's baby shower. That day seems like yesterday tho it was last spring. Mary Lou got very ill soon after & it was almost too much to process because it happened so sudden that she was sick. Last I heard she was doing better.

I sat & cried. Some points in your life you worry if you've truly gone numb. Numb, meaning you don't know if you have emotion left. I realized today that I'm not numb, I can cry, I can still be hurt, I can still love, I can feel loss. My mom has been calling all the people that Mary Lou knew that I don't think her daughter even knows she knew.

It's werid writing this. I debated writing this, but this blog is the truth & I don't think it be fair to our friend to not mention the loss. I'm alright because I know she's not in pain or sick anymore & I'm glad she got to see her grandchildren in her life. This is not my first time dealing with a loss. In a period of about 10 years or so about 20 people both friends & family members have died that I have known. Some of which I attended the funerals, some I couldn't. I'm going to go to the wake & service for Mary Lou.

I remember being 8 years old and speaking at my great-grandmother Lily's funeral. It was hard to walk up there being so young but I did it. I'll always remember her & want to name a child I might have one day Lily. I tried not to cry for as long as I could to show everyone I was okay. I'm like that. I hold it in for other people's sake. I'm going to try & hold it in this week.

I just can't believe it. I knew something was wrong when Pat called. It was just something. Mary Lou held my high school graduation party at her house because it rained that day & my mom couldn't fit all the people in our condo. She babysat me when I was a lil girl. She picked me up from things when my mom couldn't. She had such a great laugh. She loved animals. She would always give me a hug & a kiss & say, "Goodbye sweetie". I'm going to miss that. Now I'm tearing up again. It's still new. I can picture her saying that to me. She had parties & would roll up the cold cuts & she made me a lil pillow with an angel on it that I had with me at college. I have to find that as soon as possible. I wish I still had the lil angel pin she gave me for my junior prom but I lost it.

You don't have to comment on this post. It's totally okay because it's a lot to handle. This is more of me adding something to my story of my life because I can't leave it out. I'm sorry if I don't get around to your blogs to comment back for my last few posts. I love reading your posts everyone. I have an enormous head-ache right now so I have to go to sleep. It's also my dad's birthday this week so tomorrow i'm going to my grandpa's. So goodnight everyone. Im sorry if I'm a bit Blog-Lite.

Thank you Mary Lou for everything. Please don't be in any pain any longer.

33 comments:

angel6033 said...

well I felt the need to comment to at least thank you for trusting me as a reader to be open about your feeling and emotions, a death is never a good thing, but I am glad that at least her suffering is gone. As a hospice volunteer I have seen a lot of my patients die, and it's very sad. I really dont want to say am sorry or nothing of the sort, just thank you for sharing and hope youn are able to get some restful sleep and have that headache gone! :)

The Coffee Cup said...

I feel your pain. I hope you never forget Mary and always remember her virtues.

I feel I need to comment on this post because although I don't know you personally, through your posts, I have learned many things about your life. We have a relationship through the blogging world. I am here to share your good days, as well as your not so good days--like tonight.

I hope you feel better. Tonight I cannot rate your post, for it is not funny, interesting or enjoyable. However, my reaction is the following: Sad, but admirable, because you are a grateful person who is able to remember and appreciate the life of someone who took care of you and who has now passed away.

Buenos deseos,
Aquiles

Jennifer said...

While you say we don't have to comment, I know it'll be nice to get a little support anyway.

I'm sorry for your family/friends' loss. I want you all to know I'm praying for you and I hope you all help each other out through this rough time. :)

Sandy said...

I'm so sorry for your loss Melanie. I know that even when someone is sick and in pain and they leave us it still hurts. I went through that with both my parents and while you're relieved they're not in pain anymore, it doesn't stop you from missing them. Just remember that you are loved and we're here to support you.

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P said...

Oh Melanie, I'm really sorry. It must be horrible to lose someone who has been part of your life for so long. I hope you are okay.

(I know you said we didn't need to comment, but I felt like it might help.)

Barry said...

Melanie, if I were with you right now I'd give you a great big hug. ♥

I want to thank you SO much for posting this. Your blog is about your life, and this is an important part of it. As much a part as the happy times. I know it's never easy to lose a loved one but I can't help but wonder, is it God's way of reminding us how precious life is? To never take it forgranted?

For a girl your age you've been around this a lot, probably too much. Yet I believe it's helped to shape the person you've become, which is a beautiful, mature young woman.

I want to encourage you to continue posting about times like this. True friends don't stick around just for the happy times.

Be strong for other people if you feel you need to but don't put pressure on yourself. I hope you can allow yourself time to grieve, even if you need to be alone to do it. It's important.

I'm always here if you ever need me for anything. These are just words on a page, but my heart lies behind them.

I'm thinking of you and your mother.

Hugs,

Barry
xx

The Kid In The Front Row said...

there's nothing worse than that numb feeling, when it hits you. some people are like that all through their lives.

jayne said...

I know you said we didn't need to comment, but I feel like sharing here. Its alright that you must post this. I find that expressing myself is usually the best way to begin coping, and it seems you do to. I faced the same blogging dilemma when my grandma died in November. Her death was such a loss last year, and very significant for me, but that didn't mean I wanted to share it with everyone. I only told people directly it happened (I had a friend who put up a facebook status even when her grandma died, it kind of disgusted me actually) and even then I didn't want to spend a long period of time discussing it. Its funny how I can be vocal on everything else, but not grief. I did find myself blogging about her death though and it was a bit cathartic or at least a step in the right direction. So I totally get where you're coming from. I am so sorry to hear about your loss, and that's a lot of people to lose overall in a decade, but it only proves how strong you are.

Nitin said...

may her soul RIP. take care.

Jennifer Fabulous said...

Oh sweetie I am so sorry! :(

Ice Queen said...

I'm very sorry to hear about Mary Lou. I know you want to stay strong but it's okay if you can't I'll be thinking of you guys!

Abby Kihano said...

i hope you feel better. i've been through that before and im sure that you will feel better! and after that will be a happy post from you again!

may mary lou rest in peace.

Melanie's Randomness said...

Oh guys thank you for your comments. i wish I could hug all of you. thank u.

Celia said...

I am so sorry for your loss Melanie. I can definitely relate to you when you mention trying to hold up for other people's sake. I hope that you heal soon as a person and you find your pillow asap! Thoughts are with you and yours.

RIP Ms. Mary Lou

ChinkyGirLMeL said...

Oh no, I'm sorry for your loss. She seemed like a wonderful person.I hope you find that pillow soon. My condolences to you and your mom and Mary Lou's family.

J-Diggety said...

I'm so sorry for your loss... and don't ever feel the need to apologize for taking time for yourself, we'll be here when you get back ;)
xoxo J

Kristin said...

I'm so sorry about your loss! Hugs!

Leah said...

Melanie, I'm so sorry... just remember that she is in a better place now and she is watching over you. You have another angel to watch over you. Big hugs sweetie!

Kris said...

Take care Melanie!

Simply Colette said...

Hi Melanie,

I missed you. I'm so sorry about your mom's friend. I hope you had a wonderful Christmas. I just finished catching up on your past couple of weeks. Sending you a big hug and smile. Thanks for sending the blog giveaway. I look forward to receiving it! :)

Love,
Nicolette

skg said...

Your second paragraph reminds me a lot of the song "Angels on the Moon" by Thriving Ivory

clarewbrown said...

Many many condolences for your loss, Melanie! I hope you get better soon and know she is in a better place

Constructive Attitude said...

<3

Dustjacket Attic said...

Oh life is tough isn't it. Sending love your way honey.

xoxo DJ

was pleased I gave you a laugh over at mine, I though that one was so funny too.
xx

Little Mrs Domestic said...

I'm really sorry to hear about your loss. But don't feel like you have to hold it all together for everyone else. Letting it all out is a natural form of grief and I think It's great you wrote out your feelings which can be really helpful part of releasing. It helps. Hope today is as well as can be expected as you attend the wake.

mrsb said...

I'm so very sorry for your loss.

((hugs))

Heather Rose said...

I'm a little behind on things here, but I had to send my love. *mwah*

OceanDreams said...

Sending a hug your way - sorry for your pain! XO!

xoxo said...

*Hugs*
Don't worry yourself about it too much she's in a way better place now.

Secretia said...

Mary Lou meant a lot to you, and she knew you cared about her. That is what mattered to her.

Secretia

Chessa! said...

I'm so sorry for your loss. Losing someone is always so difficult and painful. You are in many people's thoughts.

Eva O'Dell said...

Thank you for sharing this pain, it is a difficult thing to do. The fact that you can feel anything other than numb in a difficult time is inspiring. My grandfather died on New Years Eve. I don't say this to trump over your feelings carelessly, just to tell you I have a sense of the pain you are experiencing right now. Loss is one of the hardest parts of life. Thank you for being strong and sharing this with us.

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