Friendship. What a tricky word. Tricky in the sense that you could be friends with someone for years but in one moment that person could forget to "think" and throw your friendship out of the window. This happened to me sometime around last May.
I used to have a friend whom her & I knew each other since about 6 grade. That was about 13 years ago. As we grew up we totally went down different paths that included very different hobbies. *cough*. I did not follow where we she went. I couldn't. I'm just not that type of person. I've seen people do too much stupid shit while high or on drugs to even fathom doing it myself. I've never even smoked pot. To be honest I'm completely content with that. It's just not my thing. But my old friend, she used to do certain things.
We fell out of touch over her stupidity in our friendship. She even admitted it was her fault countless times over & has apologized. I didn't accept the apologies. I never thought I'd have to scream at a friend I've had for years because she was belittling me for no good reason. I hate fighting with people. It eats at me that I can't just call them up & resolve the problem & go get pizza. Maybe it's because I'm an only child? I hold onto things too desperately because I don't want to have nobody, so it kills me when I lose friends.
Well the past was then, the present is now. 2 Sundays ago I went to talk to her after about 9 months of silence. I'm going to try & give our friendship another chance. She was shocked I came in to see her at her job but she told me later last week that she was so happy we were talking again. But I was hoping she had changed. I hope she had grown up a bit. Who tells their friends, "Sorry I just wasn't thinking." I sure as hell don't. I'm not trying to paint myself as a saint here & her the bad guy but I think I'm just weary of letting her back in my life.
I hung out with her Saturday night & it seemed like history was repeating with the usual shit I became all too accustomed to be before when we hung out all the time. Sigh. I don't know how many chances I have left to give. I wish I could give a million chances but with her......I'm just not sure. It sucks. But to be true this blog I wanted to tell whats really going on with me. I'm conflicted.
People say if its true friendship you shouldn't even fathom walking away from them. I'm not sure what type of friendship this is. Real, toxic, she needs me to babysit her?? I guess time will tell, but I think its sad. Real sad that I can't trust a best friend of 13 years. I think her & I need to do girl's night & really talk about our friendship before one of us gets hurt again. I want to know that she will "think" about treating me with respect & maybe I'll give her some chances. Maybe...