Friendship. What a tricky word. Tricky in the sense that you could be friends with someone for years but in one moment that person could forget to "think" and throw your friendship out of the window. This happened to me sometime around last May.
I used to have a friend whom her & I knew each other since about 6 grade. That was about 13 years ago. As we grew up we totally went down different paths that included very different hobbies. *cough*. I did not follow where we she went. I couldn't. I'm just not that type of person. I've seen people do too much stupid shit while high or on drugs to even fathom doing it myself. I've never even smoked pot. To be honest I'm completely content with that. It's just not my thing. But my old friend, she used to do certain things.
We fell out of touch over her stupidity in our friendship. She even admitted it was her fault countless times over & has apologized. I didn't accept the apologies. I never thought I'd have to scream at a friend I've had for years because she was belittling me for no good reason. I hate fighting with people. It eats at me that I can't just call them up & resolve the problem & go get pizza. Maybe it's because I'm an only child? I hold onto things too desperately because I don't want to have nobody, so it kills me when I lose friends.
Well the past was then, the present is now. 2 Sundays ago I went to talk to her after about 9 months of silence. I'm going to try & give our friendship another chance. She was shocked I came in to see her at her job but she told me later last week that she was so happy we were talking again. But I was hoping she had changed. I hope she had grown up a bit. Who tells their friends, "Sorry I just wasn't thinking." I sure as hell don't. I'm not trying to paint myself as a saint here & her the bad guy but I think I'm just weary of letting her back in my life.
I hung out with her Saturday night & it seemed like history was repeating with the usual shit I became all too accustomed to be before when we hung out all the time. Sigh. I don't know how many chances I have left to give. I wish I could give a million chances but with her......I'm just not sure. It sucks. But to be true this blog I wanted to tell whats really going on with me. I'm conflicted.
People say if its true friendship you shouldn't even fathom walking away from them. I'm not sure what type of friendship this is. Real, toxic, she needs me to babysit her?? I guess time will tell, but I think its sad. Real sad that I can't trust a best friend of 13 years. I think her & I need to do girl's night & really talk about our friendship before one of us gets hurt again. I want to know that she will "think" about treating me with respect & maybe I'll give her some chances. Maybe...
29 comments:
Melanie, if you think that this friend will just pull you down then she is not worth keeping. If this friend adds more stress in your life, then it's best to stay away.
I just posted a comment, but blogger kicked me out, so I'm not sure if it took or not. I apologize if this is a repeat. I learned a long time ago that I don't have time for unhealthy relationships. It's hard enough to maintain the good ones, let alone the ones that are a constant battle. My advice is to be kind, but don't go out of your way to cultivate this thing unless you truly believe that she will change and that you will develop a lasting friendship.
ae relationships are tough wether friendships or boyfriends... I have been at this crossroad way too any time..
Melanie, I am glad it's not your life to be a drug user, it's a sad choice for the ones who get started, fun for a while, then it injures and kills them.
It's ok to be nice to our old friends, but we don't have to do everything they do. I have a few old friends like yours.
This is definitely difficult. I really feel that time often sends us and our childhood friends down completely different paths. It seems like when you are so completely different in your interest and tastes, that it is nearly impossible to stay close friends with that person without a lot of frustration and difficulty. I know it is hard to accept the fact that you are just 2 different people now, and you certainly will always care about her but you just can't spend your entire life babysitting her and giving all of your energy to her when she seems to refuse to change.
Not sure if I made any sense, just kind of talking out loud! :)
I've had these friends in the past. And I ended up being the babysitter. At one point in time I had a friend that was arrested, and then her parents kicked her out, and I allowed her to move back in with me. A lot of people called me stupid for it.
But guess what? Because I hung out with her so much, and I never did drugs and rarely drank, she began to do without either, as well. Now she only drinks occasionally and hasn't done drugs in years. Sometimes we have to be patient with the ones we care about most because in the end, we're the only true friends they have.
You have to understand she is not doing these things to hurt you- she is doing them to hurt herself and void something in her life she feels and doesn't want to face. I hope you can work things out in the end. Maybe one day you will see the good that came out of all these chances you gave. :)
I think eventually you get to the stage where there ARE no more chances to dole out.
I hope I reach that stage soon.. My best friend is unaware of what a rubbish friend she can be. When it's good, it's REALLY good and then she vanishes for months and only remember me when she has problems in her life.
You don't need friends like that and it does hurt to cut those ties but it's only for your own benefit.
As you spend more time with them and get older, you will realize just how valuable or invaluable a friendship can be. It may take time but it always comes out.
I think it depends on what you fight about, how often, and how contrite the friend is when they do something wrong. Are they constantly doing mean things and not feeling bad about it? I don't think I could forgive that very long, but then that's not exactly a friend, either.
I'm glad you have been able to say no to drugs Girly! A lot of people can't. It's hard to decide how many chances to give as it really depends on your, personally I am a walk away kind of person. I don't usually give people second chances unless they really work for them. I'm usually perfectly content to just let them go, sometimes it eats away at me, like should I have done something different but in the end I don't need people who create dram or problems in my life. People rarely change in my opinion. Good luck with your friend, I hope it works out.
...and friendships....
This is another one of those topics that Aristotle touched upon. FRIENDS, what are friends and how do you determine true friendship. According to the philosopher there are three types of friendships. Friendships of benefit,pleasure, and true friendship. True being when the love is reciprocal--and that is when we should not walk away.
I read Aristotle's arguments on the topics once and ever since have applied them to my personal friendships. I might fight with my best friends from HS, but they often show me that the love is reciprocal and that no fight should distant us from each other.
Having true friends is awesome. Friends of benefit or pleasure suck.
Con aprecio,
Aquiles
Love the idea of a friendship second chance, lovely!
You need to re-catagorize her. Sometimes you become very close to someone and then things happen. You go one way, the other another and the end result is a different friendship.
If you enjoy her company, have her as an acquaintance in your life. It's not a bad thing. It just means the energy you would give to a really good friend is not being abused. Your expectations are never shattered because of her bad behavior.
If you can't do that then pretend you're having this conversation with a friend you care about and she's the one getting frustrated and/or abused by this friend, what would you say to her?
That is a hard one to comment on. I think everyone needs to make a bit of there own decision on it. Everyone here has a valid point but it is how you feel in the end that makes the difference.
Chances are if she took advantage of your friendship in the past, she'll do it again. Not to say that people are incapable of change...but it's probably easy to do...she has done it before.
I think she is probably in need of a good friend, but I would definitely tell her what's up. You most definitely deserve respect- and if she's not willing to do that- at least you know now instead of trying to patch up a relationship only to get burned.
I think everyone deserves a second chance...but at some point if things keep recurring- you just gotta be done. Plenty of people in this world that are probably more deserving of your time and willing to treat you well.
I just found your blog randomly and I have to say that this sounds SO similar to something I went through with a girl that I was friends with for about 14 years. I grew up. She didn't. She also used to talk really badly about me behind my back but then say that I was her best friend in the world, which is pretty much the biggest oxymoron ever. I got tired of giving her chances, so I cut her off. It's not like anything I ever said was going to set her straight anyway.
I haven't talked to her in almost a year and my life is better off without her in it. It's sad, but sometimes you have to let people go.
I would have to agree with the others - if she's twisted and torn your relationship in the past, the likelihood is that [unfortunately] history will repeat itself.
I lost many a best friend when they have got with guys sadly :(
I think it depends on what you fight about and how often. If you've lost your trust in the friend then I don't see a point in reacquanting. I've been known to be pretty cold when it comes to something like this though, in my mind if they've done something that betrays you they will do it again because I don't really believe that people can change...
Ah, I loved this post. I went through the same experience with my best friend. We'd been best friends since 3rd grade, but our lives just went in different directions a few years ago. It's sad - we still talk, but I think we both know things will never be the same again.
Excellent post Melanie. Even though it seems harsh, I would let her go. She seems pretty set in her ways and I'm sure you're not the only person who's mentioned this to her. More importantly though, my question is how does she make you feel? Are you naturally happy to be around her? Would she care enough about you to make the effort to see you at your job after 9 months of silence? Talk to her and have a one-on-one about it.
Last October, I and my former close friend had a massive blow-out and have since stopped speaking to one another. It was absolutely the best thing that could have happened to me because I started to feel a very strong undercurrent of our friendship beginning to crumble in August. She was very cold to my other friends and extremely selfish. Moreover, I felt unhappy consistently around her and was tired of defending a rude 22 year old to everyone I knew. Since she's been out of the picture, I've made several new friends and can happily say that they are most definitely the nicest and kindest people in my life. When a door closes, another one opens and it is very true :)
I've got a friend like that right now and I just don't know what to do about it. I can't give advice but I'm glad it's not just me in that situation.
If you dont mind my asking, when you saw her again recently, how did you know that it was going to be a repeat. but i completely agree with you that you need to have a girls night out and talk about these things with her. it will make both of you feel better and you can go on with your life with or without each other.
I didn't know it was going to be a repeat. I hoped it wasn't going to be the same type of thing. Her doing crap & me babysitting her. Sigh. Yeah I'm going to have to speak to her.
This is way too touchy for me to comment on...I will just say follow your heart and you deserve the best!
ughhh relationships with friends can be worst than relationships with guys.
i don't think this counts as a toxic friendship, and i should know, but it definitely sounds like you two have grown apart. in some relationships, that's okay and nothing changes. but in others, it's not.
sounds like you've moved forward and she has not...which means she needs to work hard to catch up and there's nothing you can do about that.
Wow Melanie, I can relate to this more than you will ever know. One of my closest friends got into drugs and a really, really bad scene over the summer and it practically tore us apart. But since she is my bff, I give her all the chances in the world because I know this really isn't HER, it's the negative influence.
Your case may be a little different. It seems this girl has changed her personality entirely and is treating you like crap but isn't willing to change...? I guess you have to decide if she is a close enough friend to keep. If not, you should probably just leave her be. She will figure out her mistakes in time and change her ways when she is forced...you can't let her bring you down too. But I know it's easier said than done.
E-mail me if you wanna talk: jenniferb02@gmail.com
I can so relate. My best friend since beginning of freshman year makes the worst mistakes over and over, and she comes back to me after every one of them. I grow weary over and over of our friendship, but I hold on to it and hope for the best. I am in your same position. I don't know how many chances to give. I hope to find an answer just as much as you.
Sophia
http://apoetscircus.blogspot.com/
I've been through situations like this so many times. I look at the last ten years of my life and think about how many best friends I've had and lost and it looks ridiculous. I want all those people back in my life. Then again when I think about them individually I realize that for most of them there were good reasons they aren't in my life anymore.
Wow darlin, I am so sorry your friend has totally changed. I had this happen with a friend in HS and we have never been friends since. I agree with what Leah said - if this person is not making you happy and makes you feel miserable, then it is not a good relationship to have. Hang in there sweetie.
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