I hate it when you totally love a new song, but then when you really start listening to the lyrics it strikes a nerve of a bad memory. I absolutely adore Adele’s new song, “Rolling in the Deep” because it hits the nail right on the head. I can’t tell you how many times in my life I’ve whispered to myself “We almost had it all” about a past relationship. Well fucked-up friendship is a better word I think for the Mess, my Brown-Eyed Mr. Big , and me because I was never a girlfriend just a side character that knew all the dirty lil secrets. At times I was the secret but even that was unknown to me. I was such a stupid kid back then & I have to hang my head in brief shame over it and that guy…he is just an asshole and the sad part is…he damn well knows he’s one .
~ You had my heart inside of your hands, but you played it to the beat…~
When you purposely try to remember a date on the calendar for 4 years it’s a lil hard to forget it & Facebook has to send you those not so friendly reminders of things. Today last year I wished this guy a happy birthday. I wasn’t even talking to him at the time but I thought why the hell not. STILL I was like maybe… It was so stupid because I was so done with him. What did I want in that text? For him to be like “Oh I miss you yada yada, we should chill yada yada” and then the spiral of hell would return? More nights of crying, more nights of now I think emotional abuse because NO ONE one should ever be told, “You don’t phase me anymore” or “You could walk away right now and I wouldn’t care”, and more days & nights not adding up to shit, not even a valuable friendship?
Thankfully none of that ever happened. Due to that foolish decision of texting him I realized what the hell was I doing wanting that mess back in my life and went out to meet someone new. LITERALLY that next weekend I met my current boyfriend CJ and when he asked me out I blurted out yes without question. The best thing I did in my life was say yes to CJ. After about 30 minutes he knew he had to ask me out and get to know me. My life has changed for the better since that day, I believe it’s May 15th when I first met CJ, I pretty much can’t even think about my life without him. Him and I have it all…better than it ever would have been with the Mess. A million times better. ~"Turn my sorrow into treasured gold"... That is EXACTLY what happened when I met CJ....
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results. That mess of a friendship was insane because I kept thinking somehow it would work out differently. Maybe if I stayed for one more convention, one more Walmart trip, one more rendezvous in the park, or one more emotional scar…The best decision I ever made was to watch his car turn the other way in my rear view mirror of my car. CJ tells me that these ex experiences make people who they are but I'm welcoming the fading of the ex memories into that void of nothingness. It can stay there as long as possible...
I'm going to go call CJ now and tell him how much I love him. He hurt his wrist the other day and I'm hoping it feels better. I can't wait to see him later...can't wait...=)
Lyrics & Title are from Adele: "Rolling in the Deep"