Back Story:
She had an ex she dated for 3 years where in the end was cheating on her & then eventually dumped her & picked the other girl. This was 2 and a half years ago. The ex tried to stay in contact with her & played games with her head for another year. But alas, it has been over for quite some time & that guy is now in Turkey with the girl he choose over my friend. Been there for over a year.Present Conversation:
SO…over the weekend my friend cries to me that this ex finally de-friended her on Facebook & she was devastatingly upset. “But we went through so much together, how could he just cut all the cords.” I saw her mood drop into this abyss of sadness & the hurt streamed through her eyes. I hugged her & I said to her, “Zoe it’s been over with Arkun for a long while now. Years Even. You gotta just let it go & realize that is in fact Over.”
It was kinda that moment in Indiana Jones Last Crusade where Sean Connery whispers to the dangling Indiana who is trying to reach the Holy Grail, “Let it Go”. My friend stammered, “But…But…But we were through so much together”. I hated to break it to her but I had no choice. It’s actually over with him & she needs to accept it somehow.
I knew it was over with the Mess 2 Halloweens ago. I watched his car in my rearview mirror take the fork in the road to go the other direction & I knew it was over. A weight lifted off my chest & I knew I wouldn’t see him again for a very long time. It was over the moment I walked into Drummer Boy’s bedroom and saw wrappers of a certain thing on top of his garbage can when I hadn’t seen him in 3 weeks. What an idiot. It was done when the Spanish boy with the gray eyes called me the wrong name…it was more than done it was over.
You can never tell what is going to happen between two people but sometimes you have to let it go OR put in the effort to save it…When did you know it was OVER in your past relationships?
28 comments:
Damn that's pretty rough. I knew it was over and time to let go of my ex when I realized that I was the only one hurting. He was moving on and enjoying his life and I was stuck at home thinking about him with my best friend. That was my turning point.
you said the right thing to your girlfriend. sometimes "tough love" is the right love.
Once I knew It was time to call it a day because of how sick I was about crying over him. I just reached a point where enough was enough and I realised that there was and could be more to relationships then what I was getting.
It's tough though, sometimes you just hide and block the truth out for years which by the sounds of it was what your friend was doing. We just lock that little bit of hope away in the vain hope that something will come of it.
For some reason, it's never been that hard for me to let people in my life go, especially when they've done me wrong. Why would anyone want to keep someone in their life who openly cheats on them? I dunno. I can usually tell that it's over when I find out I was lied to or something I said in confidence was repeated to others.
Kick em to the curb, I say!
I have always been the one that held on too long. My first boyfriend and I were only together for 2 months but I held on for over a year. My first real love and I were only together for 4 months but then on and off for years... because I couldn't let go and made it easy for him to have a girl without actually having to call her his girlfriend.
Letting go downright sucks. But you're right, holding on is SO much harder!
With my ex I knew it was over when I met his new girlfriend shortly after the last hookup. She was really nice but he was being a jerk and I just realized going home that night, that I would never see him again.(Which I didn't see him for 6 years, until last weekend)
Have you seen the Blue Valentine ..I jst blogged about it and infact the quotation you put up sums up the entire movie ..letting go is hard but sometimes holding is harder ..So true ..
I hope your friend feels better soon and gets over him too ..he doesn't deserve her ..
Hate to admit, but I simply can't be friends with ex~es! I hope your friend will find a good man, who'd treat her with much kindness~
Sweetie, I have no idea because honestly, I too am in that limbo stage! Wouldn't wish it on anyone!
Happy Tuesday Darling! xo
Oh, and stop by my blog and sign up for the swimsuit GIVEAWAY!
i knew it was over when i curled up into that spot between his underarm and his chest, which i had done for 4 years and i always fit there, and no longer did. it felt uncomfortable when it used to be my fave spot to be at the end of the day.
In my past relationships, I did all of the dumping & it was because I either lost interest or just saw that there wasn't such a strong connection.
its is very true! i have been there before. Good advice :)
Oh... sometimes you just know. I mean, I knew when the relationship was over but now when the feelings. They kind of just lingered until I forgot about them. It sucks to be defriended no matter the circumstance though.
Oh I remember similar scenes with friends of mine. Realising it's over is hard work but so worth it when you can move on.
awesome, awesome, awesome post!
I have two answers to your question:
1) my first bf I dated for 8 (!!!) years (from when I was 16 - 24). He cheated on me a few times, but my self esteem was so low that I was convinced I would never find anyone else to love me, so I stayed with him. Until he broke up with me, for real. He said he wanted a break, but I knew that I couldn't put myself through that. So I moved 200 miles to get away from him, but the first 6 months or so, we visited each other a few times. I knew it was TOTALLY over the first time I went back to visit him. I parked my car in front of his new apartment building, and saw him walking toward my car in my side view mirror. And it just HIT me, that he wasn't mine any more. It was 100% over.
2) After THAT breakup, I dated a guy for about 2 months. And he was really nice, but the whole time I knew I was only seeing him because I was lonely and just wanted SOMEONE to be there. But he was telling me he was in love with me, and I felt terrible because I knew that he just wasn't what I wanted. I knew that it was over when I went out for coffee with a friend and talked about it and realized that it was just over. Unfortunately, when I texted him that I wanted to talk to him...he refused and basically made me break up with him over text message...and kept texting me night and day for WEEKS...my phone bill was over $400 that month...yeah, it was SO over!
Since my current relationship is 25 years and still going strong I can't actually remember the last split I had......
I guess the closet I get is with friends….Whenever they have a kid, it is almost 95% that the friendship is over. Even if 100% of their time is not consumed by the child, any conversation you have with them is dull, dull, dull and well worth avoiding…..
I love this post!
Love, love, love it! You are a very sweet and wise friend!
Hugs xxx
I can tell its over with a girl when I go a couple days without feeling the need to see her or even talk to her. Gets better after that.
:) cute :)
have a great day! xox
It's strange how something as trivial as Facebook can make something seem so final - but it's true. I've always seen defriending an ex on Facebook as the ultimate kiss off - the time when it means everything is officially over. :/
yeah some guys are just insensitive like that. but it's true if it's been over a while ago then it's time to move on... he might have deleted her because the new girl wanted him to delete all his exes, I know some girls demand their boyfriends to do that (not me! I could care less actually lol)
I loved hearing it like this:
You had that pair of jeans, and they USED to fit you. They used to look good on you. They WERE in style. You guys looked good together.
But you haven't worn them and you continue to keep them in your closet. They aren't in style and aren't doing you any favors.
It's time to say goodbye to those "jeans".
Boys are like bad jeans.
I agree with you. You handled it perfectly, and I agree with everything you said. I know the feeling, but you've done all you can do - the rest is up to her.
I think your words were right for your friend. I would need someone to tell me that same thing too if I was in that situation. Small steps is what it takes!
This was wonderful. I think it's always been fairly easy for me to let go simply because my personality comes packaged with my father's cynicism and wit I've grown up with most of my life... It makes you less likely to be disappointed and easier to just leave.
Even if the people in my life were still around, none of it really mattered to me anymore. Besides, when you're a teenager (and I say this because I JUST got out of my teens), you move through it quicker than you think you are in the moment... We flop around from crush-to-crush pretty fast. It's actually kinda funny how fast it is. I watch teenage girls now who are just hitting 16 and I just giggle because they're so quick and wishy-washy and they don't even realize it.
But you are right. When it's over, sometimes you just have to accept the unfortunate truth.
For whatever reason, people have this need to stay friends with someone or hold on even when that person was completely wrong for them. Most of the time, they stay in those relationships and hang on for as long as they can to the imaginary and shallow friendships simply because they put so much time into it and it's where they were comfortable... Not because it was somewhere they actually belonged! People don't understand. It's even more sad that a friendship on Facebook was what broke the camel's back for her.
Sure, I understand, getting deleted from Facebook isn't fun, but it's JUST Facebook. There are people in this world who have surviving friendships and regular social lives without the use of a social networking website. I understand the point that it was sad for her because she was trying to stay friends and he IS in Turkey so the point that that could have been the only way is understandable, but... It's still only a website. People are too caught up in them. It's really kinda pitiful...
Social networking arguments, aside...
If someone is that far in my past, I've typically had no problem moving on from the situation. It is what it is. People grow apart. And if it's been that long since they actually were together, then she might have been holding on just for the sake of holding on... Which is something else a lot of people seem to do. And it's another problem caused by those websites. Staying connected tricks people's minds into believing they are really still "friends" because it is a "friends list," when in reality, it's just a website and if you really wanted to stay in contact with someone, you'd have other ways to do it, not just that.
She was serious about him, that's clear, but I think that may have been why she was holding on... For the emotions and the story.
(Not to say your friend likes to cause drama, or anything. I just know girls that do it. Naturally, we tend to be a little dramatic without trying sometimes. Growing up being a Daddy's girl has shed me of SOME of it, but I do have to correct myself from time-to-time.)
I knew it was over when I didn't have to talk to him and simply wished him well in his life.
You are a very wise friend Mel. I hope your friend gets over him soon.
911R
Awww this breaks my heart. Your poor friend! :(
I've only had one other serious boyfriend, besides Rian. I knew it was over with my ex when I met Rian and fell in love with him! Over the past five years, my ex and I have defriended each other and friended each other on fb several times (we've now blocked each other). But I have not gotten to the point of extinction, because I still see my ex all over town. We have so many mutual friends in common, he still lives in my parents' neighborhood, works at my favorite restaurant, and still texts me happy birthday every year. So it will be odd when he is one day gone from my life completely...it will be sad, because yes we have been through a lot too, but it won't hurt as much because I'm Rian's girl now. I hate to say it, but I think what your friend needs the most is a true love in her life. Someone to take her mind completely off her ex. Someone to make new memories with and go through a lot with. It does help big time. :)
such a hard thing to accept...
i knew it was over when he didn't want to have kids.
that was something i couldn't change, or want to change about what i wanted.
"We must be willing to let go of the life we planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us." -Joseph Campbell
it's what i reminded myself of and sure enough... i met my future husband who wants exactly what i want and i can't wait to have his kids! :)
x
great post!
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