Tuesday, January 4, 2011

R before S, ESPECIALLY with your Track Record…

Okay so we ALL have that friend who has always had a boyfriend, lost her so-called “virginity” first, thought she got her Aunt Flo first, & has to call you to blab about her escapades in her dating life. I got one of these friends & hmmm let’s call her Zoe. I’ve known her for pretty much 15 years & I’ve listened to 15 years of her “Sex & the City” type tales. It’s gotten so ridiculous that every time I talk to her which is about every 2 weeks there is a new guy or the guy from the previous week is no more. BUT THEN she gets so upset when it doesn’t work out with a select few of them & comes to me for advice….Now when someone is constantly telling you about all of the men she’s been with or teasing HOW can you possible tell her any advice that would sink into her head that she might ACTUALLY DO???

I can’t tell you guys how many times I’ve told her stick to ONE GUY & be yourself with him because it’s not fair to her or the guy to be such a run-around. What baffles me is that she tells me all the time if I know anyone to fix her up with? How can I fix her up with someone I know when I don’t know if she has someone on the side lurking waiting for that booty call or she’s still pinning for the chasing amy guy she’s hoping will come back? Regardless I really don’t know what to say to her anymore in all of this because I’m blue in the face with telling her that she has to change.

Well when a man she has known for 20 some odd years breaks her heart last night & tells her that he feels like their relationship is just sex & that he wants to take it slower than that & be friends first she naturally freaked out. They’ve been sleeping together for a about a year btw. She is upset because she wants to have the sexual relationship & the friendship but he doesn’t. He didn’t say he never wanted to sleep with her again he just said he wants to know her better because he feels like he doesn’t know her at all except for the sex. That wasn't good enough for her so she ended it completely but is now she is looking to me for help.

Honestly I don’t think he was being mean, I think he was being honest. She took it as a disaster & now wants to be celibate & not date ever again. She wants to give up on the dating life. I told her why don’t you just have a rule: “RELATIONSHIP BEFORE SEX”? She said it sounded like a good idea but I don’t know if it got through her thick skull. I told her try being single for a while but that never works. I’m out of things to tell her. I feel bad but I just don't know what else to say...

Do you guys have a friend like this? What do you tell them when they are going to give up on love & dating?

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27 comments:

Kellie Collis said...

Unfortunately the decision is still up to your friend. And as a friend, all we can do is listen and advice. Repeat the process. Good luck! Kellie xx

Deva and Leah said...

great post. yes we all have a friend like this... i think usually they have an unhealthy relationship in their past that has made them think sex is foremost and their worth is measured by how much they put out and how often. It can be a lack of confidence or a daddy issue...really it could be anything. Urge your friend to try to go without sex for a while and get to know that guy.. he seems like a good guy.

www.oldsoulyoungspirits.com

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Tights Lover said...

I think we all have friends like this. Like you said it becomes harder and harder to give them advice.

Sometimes I think you have to say nothing and allow them to learn life's lessons on their own...

Krysten @ After 'I Do' said...

Well... I knew a girl like that but we weren't exactly friends. I mean, we started out as friends. And I was a little shocked when she told me she'd slept with so many people that she couldn't remember her number (EW).

But what made us not friends anymore? She went after the guy I liked. I mean, hello, girl code. I was more than hurt but at the same time I felt sorry for her because to me it seemed like she had no self esteem at all.

In the end, she screwed things up with the guy because he realized she was simply using him.

He and I became friends. And then more than friends. And then we got married.

As for her... from what I heard she eventually learned her lesson and is married. In a way I think good for her. In another way... I hope she's totally dropped her old ways.

Susan R. Mills said...

I used to have a friend like that. Not any more. She just doesn't fit into my mature adult life. Good luck with her.

Brooke Leigh said...

Oh man.
I mean braking it off with a guy who WANTED to get to know her & didn't just want her for sex!?!?
In this day & time thats any girls dream!
Personally I think that maybe she needs some time to herself. Let her think she is giving up on guys & sex for awhile. I've made that decision before (besides the sex part, still a virgin) & it took me awhile but I eventually grew up a little & changed my mind. I mean no one can really give up on guys forever! Especially someone as boy crazy as she sounds (no offense, I've been there), I mean guys are... well they are guys & its wonderful to have one all to yourself :) But in the time that I was by myself I realized who I was, what I wanted, & that life wasn't always about a guy. Life was about myself & being who I wanted to be. & it was the best thing that ever happened to me because I used to freak out about guys the way your friend seems to & now I really don't let anyone control me on that level. I think this would be a wonderful experience for her. & I think you should let her learn her lessons by herself. & I know she is your friend & all but if she continues to ask you for your advice & she doesn't take it maybe you should just let tell next time she asks that you aren't going to talk to her about it or give anymore advice cause she never takes it anyways. You can say it jokingly but in her head it will go a long way & probably help her to realize that maybe she should listen to you

tess said...

Melanie, I applaud your effort in trying to get through to her, but it sounds like this is one of life's lessons she'll have to learn for herself. If she hasn't heard you out yet, I don't think anything will change unfortunately.

Same Sweet Girl: Memoir of a Southern Belle said...

Melanie...I know EXACTLY how you feel!!!!!!! I have a few friends and family members who are CONSTANTLY doing the same things and constantly complaining about the outcome to me...I give them advice and it's like it goes in one ear and out the other. I get so TIRED of saying the same things over and over and them never listening. It's so AGGRAVATING!!!

Dancing Branflake said...

Oh, my rule was M before S. Marriage before Sex and it worked out awesome.

Mo Pie, Please said...

Ugh. I have a friend that is kind of like this, the one that everyone was in love with and only looked at me after she rejected him. So annoying. Anyway, it's good that she got her heart broken this time since it sounds like she's the one with the mean track record. I don't know what to tell you though, girls like this never listen and just keep doing what they know best. It's kind of ridiculous that she wants to give everything up when it sounds like she could continue sleeping with this guy if she would just commit to him. It's not that hard to understand! Good luck!

Constar said...

guess what? i used to and then she met a boy... and now she calls her past " the dark ages" she goes as far as to look down her nose at girls who play the field!

now THATS irritating! So just make sure that when she changes her ways she doesnt change who she is! oh and btw you can talk until your blue in the face, it wont make a difference.

People work in patterns until they run themselves into the ground, and onlookers need to let that happen or else get dragged into the hole with them! <-- this ive learned first hand.

Meghan said...

I totally have a friend like this, too! She is one wild lady, that's for sure. But deep down, she wants a real relationship, and when I tell her that sleeping with guys first won't work out, she gets all upset too! She had a crazy sex story that she told, and we all laughed and then she got upset, saying that she no longer wants to be "that girl".

Then stop having sex!

It all seems so logical, doesn't it?

Anyway, you are a good friend to be so patient with her, and I hope she takes your advice!

Christina In Wonderland said...

I always tell my friends that it's important to truly KNOW yourself before you're with someone else in any capacity. If you don't know yourself, then of course you'll constantly be changing your mind or seeking other adventures with different people. It's kind of human nature. I think she really needs to take alone time to figure out herself. That sounds like her problem to me. But I don't know her personally like you do, so my advice is probably invalid anyway. :)

Jan said...

I'd pick her up a copy of "He's Just Not That Into You" and leave it slyly at her place to see if she cops on. Unfortunately the more you tell her what to do, the more one of two things will happen 1) she'll keep repeating the same pattern anyways or 2) you'll become her crutch. She has to come to the realization on her own about what's best for her but perhaps a well placed dating advice book might be a first step? :)

Meri said...

Oh dear, I sort of used to be this girl. And then, one day, I met a magic man and finally decided to stop "dating" other people. I think it also helped to gradually mature a bit along the way. I wish I had advice, but for me it just sort of clicked one day...

Kris said...

I've never had a close friend who played this game but I know a few that do. It's very hard to get through to them because they think if a guy isn't into them sexually they aren't into them at all. We all know men have sex on the brain 24/7 but they need a relationship too eventually!!!

Ren- Lady Of The Arts said...

I can't say that I have any close friends like this- maybe when I was younger but promiscuity always made me feel uncomfortable- I was only ever in a few serious relationships before I got married and same with most of my close friends- I feel so bad for her because I agree that it's a self esteem issue-
Happy New Year!

Claire Kiefer said...

hilarious. some people say they want advice . . . but they have no intentions of listening. :) Sounds like she's gonna just have to learn on her own! Love that picture of Samantha, btw. :)

Brunch at Saks said...

Ugh- I have a friend EXACTLY like yours. And I am just like you- constantly giving her advice and trying to pick up the pieces when things don't work out. My boyfriend and I have been together 6 years now, and we built our relationship very slow with a friendship first. I'm certain that's why we are still together, because on those days when romance is the last thing on my mind, I still can turn to him as my best friend and want to be near him. My friend doesn't get that a relationship before the sex will actually be worth it in the long run.

You're being a great friend and I hope she can realize that sooner rather than later. My friend and I barely speak anymore because I just got tired of it all.

Sorry so long- but great post love! Happy New Year, gorgeous xoxo

btd. said...

Yes I've had a few friedns like this honestly and really (like the previous comment(s)) it really is up to them. You've been a good friend trying to help them out with anything you know about the situation, but they have to do the work too. They have to be the ones who force themselves to change.

Dionne said...

Ugh! I know that same friend. I guess every group has one or two. I totally agree with your advice!

Falling Up said...

I got frustrated just reading about it, you must be going crazy having to deal with someone like that. I don't think the guy was wrong, I mean, honestly, what guy says that when he can have sex instead? I hope she gets a wakeup call soon.

Jaime @ La vie...J'aime said...

i had a friend like this...then she vowed her next relationship would be monogamy before sex. they're engaged. Lesson to us all!!! lol ;)

happy new year!

Diana Mieczan said...

I also have friend like that and the only thing that helps is when I just listen and comfort her in that situation. She is the one who has to change her ways to be happier and till that time its best if you just offer a shoulder to cry! Have a fantastic day, darling
Hugs and kisses

Ps: I am hosting a great home decor GIVEAWAY later today, so please join in :)

Cafe Fashionista said...

I think that Kellie is right - regardless of what happens, the friend will always do what they feel is right; as opposed to what we think is right. It could be that she's afraid of putting too many emotions into the relationship; therefore takes a boys eye view when it comes to being with someone. Listening is truly the only cure for a friend like this. :/

persephone said...

ahaha theres always one friend like that.. nothing sinks in unless they WANT it to
xx

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