Monday, October 18, 2010

All is Fair in Love & War. Wait...What?


Fighting. Every relationship has it’s fights.  One of my biggest problems in relationships in the past is that I used to avoid them. Yup.  Seems stupid now.  I’d do anything to not get one started even if it meant that I’d have my heart ripped in two right in front of me. I thought maybe if we didn’t fight the relationship might last. I’ve learned my lessons. However CJ & I are a completely different playing field than anything I’ve ever had before. Shit.

Tonight we fought. Not a break-up argument but we fought over the stupidest thing ever. I will make comments from time to time during a TV show or a movie. He hates that I do that.  If I speak while the show is on & a character is talking he will have to pause it & then rewind it because I’ve disturbed the show. I guess I’m okay with not knowing EXACTLY every single word spoken on the show or every facial expression. I apologized the first time I did it but then the next show I did it again. He snapped & then sorta had a fight with himself over snapping at me for it. I just can’t sit still for 2 hours straight without saying a word. I’m sorry. 

 We resolved the fight & I told him I will try not to talk or tell him to pause it if I want to talk. It seems ridiculous to me. I don’t talk through the whole entire show just a moment here or there & that’s a problem. What I’m scared is that because we don’t fight over important things like cheating, being late, sloppiness, or I don’t know real argument stuff that this petty fighting might be worse.  Is it better to really fight in a relationship, well cheating would be a deal-breaker so that’s a bad example, but have natural arguments about things so the small stuff doesn’t tear us apart?

It might be stress. I know I’m stressed as well as he & it was a long rough Monday. I won’t see him til Thursday so I guess we can miss each other & then re-group. I didn’t get a lot of sleep last night so maybe I was too fidgety & anxious to sit still for 2 hours. Maybe it was good we had some form of fight tho. I don’t know. This is still new to me so I’m freaking out that the honeymoon is over. He did apologize for being so anal retentive about his shows but I’m upset that we had a quarrel. It seems resolved & I hope it stays that way. New day...new start. I hope...I don't want to lose him.

Do you think fighting is healthy is a relationship? I’d really like to hear your opinions. 

 


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42 comments:

Catherine said...

Don't worry. Fighting is COMPLETELY NORMAL in relationships, and it CAN be very healthy. The important thing isn't that you fight, or even what you fight about. The important thing is HOW you fight. If you are respectful towards each other, you don't yell, there isn't name calling, and you can calmly approach the problem, then you are DEFINITELY on the right track.

Sometimes you will fight about stupid little things or habits that bother your partner. Rarely, you will fight about the big things that are deal breakers for one or both of you, or that can affect your opinion of the other. This is natural and to be expected. It is healthy to air out negative feelings and work through them to find some sort of compromise. If you can do that, you can have relationships that can last.

Compromise, Listen, and be Respectful, and your arguments are completely natural and VERY healthy for a relationship.

....sorry if I was a bit repetitive. lol

Christopher said...

I think its unhealthy if you NEVER fight. I think every relationship has its own set of rules and while those are still getting figured it's natural that there are going to be fights. The trick to making a fight healthy though is actually resolving the conflict. I feel your pain because I have a habit of randomly blurting stuff out all the time and it annoys the hell out of certain people. I try to time it for commercials but with the advent of DVR that has gotten harder and harder. I'm just too much of an extrovert to not talk. So anyhow good luck! And don't worry too much about it I'm sure you crazy kids will work it out.

Jennifer Fabulous said...

This kind of fighting is healthy I think, as long as it doesn't take over the relationship. If you guys find yourselves bickering about every little thing or annoyance, then you have a problem. But something like this is perfectly normal.

Rian and I didn't fight much when we were just dating, but when Rian and I moved in together, we used to constantly fight about stuff like this, whether its talking during a movie or putting marshmallows in the fridge. Lol. But after two years, we stuck through it and made compromises and worked things out and everything is fine. You just have to get through it all. :)

I wouldn't worry about anything if I were you.

I hope you have a great week! xo

Claire Kiefer said...

I HATE fighting, but I think little squabbles here and there are unavoidable when you spend a ton of time with someone. I think the key is to always be kind to each other . . . which in part means being aware of each other's quirks, but also means loosening up on things that in the end, aren't that big a deal. It's hard to know, sometimes, but I think that as long as you respect each other and show each other kindness that you'll be just fine.

ching said...

i think it is healthy so you guys can actually communicate on your feelings. it is an eye opening experience so you can guys can set your limit on things. :)

Maria Ana said...

Yes! Very healthy! Takes the tension out!

Maria Ana
www.thebeautylover.blogspot.com

Madeleine said...

I do that too, the commenting on the film/tv show we're watching. The BF shushes me and complains, but we haven't argued about it.

I think it's healthy to get things out in the open, little fights are normal, you cannot agree on everything all the time, that's not normal. And you shouldn't have to change yourself to please the other person, compromise yes, but never repress part of yourself.

Talk to CJ, sit down and explain that you don't do it to wind him up, you just can't sit there without saying a word for that long. But say that you will try to control how often you interrupt him, or that you'll try and save your comments for the ad breaks or the credits.
I hope you guys can work this out. I'm sure you can. xx

Noodles and Waffles said...

I think it's okay to have little fights over little things. To me it means we aren't just letting the little things that bother us slip through. Instead we are expressing what bothers us and hopefully learning/improving. The thing I've learned most from relationships is to be honest, be patient and most of all listen...or at least pretend to listen. jk.

Audrey Allure said...

Fighting is definitely healthy in a relationship. I used to avoid fights too just because I hated confrontation & I was scared it meant the relationship is over. But as I learned, those little arguments can help build your relationship & improve things, and your bond can be much stronger :)

Erika @ ~TiptoeButterfly~ said...

YES it's TOTALLLLLY normal - but i also thinks he's a likl rediculous - i mean rewinding the show b/c you said something? - thats the type of stuff tho that can build up and get REALLY annoying - JUST SAYING! ..

Diana Mieczan said...

I think its totally healthy,sweetie
Its normal that if you guys spend a lot of time together you will find little things that you dont like about eachother....Its better to talk about it or have a little blow up...then later have a huge fight for nothing
Kisses,sweetie

Googlover/keishua said...

I am like you. There is no way I could sit still for 2 hours and not talk. I understand that some people do. I think it is healthy that you can disagree with each other and let one another know.

Chrissy said...

A realtionship is only good with "good" fights! It can't just always be sunshine mood! Fighting is a normal as everything else! And, believe me, those fights are SO normal! We have them all the time and afterward we laugh about it! And - we've been together for 17 years (yup)!

FALEN AKA THUNDERCAT832 said...

Fighting/disagreements/arguments are healthy...unless you do them every damn day! My BF and I were talking about Sammie and Ronnie (from Jersey Shore...sad I know) and those two jokers fight constantly...that shit is annoying and unhealthy.

Having a fight every once in a while can be fun to! Make up make out time or make up sex is the bomb! *lol I said "the bomb" lol*

Don't worry, My boo does the same thing *talking while I'm deep into a show* I got mad at him once too. It's nothing personal, we just can't multitask when we concentrate. I'm sure he loves you to death!

I had to kiss his ass big time after snapping at him because I know I hurt his feelings...to be honest, I REALLY go off on family members for that shit...he just got the ass end of my wrath ;)

Teenage Bride said...

My husband and I have never had a fight, disagreements, but never a fight.

Hang in there love. Work through the bad times becasue out of them come some of the best

Cafe Fashionista said...

Honestly, there is nothing more healthy in a true relationship than fighting. It is impossible to have a relationship sans fighting - and if you are, you are never being fully truthful to one another.

Albeit, you shouldn't be fighting all the time; but a fight every now and again - especially over something as ridiculous as talking while watching TV/a movie, is necessary! :)

boyfriendwhispererblog.com said...

This sort of bickering is just what happens when any two people have spent enough time together to get comfortable. No big deal.

Fighting, in my opinion, is just another word for conflict resolution. Things get tense, feelings get hurt, someone is unhappy, and something has to change. Sometimes we just talk. Sometimes we yell and throw things. Eventually we work it out. It's all normal, provided you are happy and safe.

~tbw

Olivia said...

I'll keep this short because you've already received lots of essays :)

I've been with my bf for four and a half years now and we fight over stupid things too. Normally it's ridiculous like we'll be winding each other up as a joke and it just gets taken too far. So stupid really. We've had full blown screaming and shouting arguements too! Thankfully not regularly, but I don't think it's a bad thing.

At least if we've annoyed each other we'll say it. I think it would be worse to keep everything bottled up, because then eventually something will happen over the tiniest thing and you might lose it. And he'll have no idea why! lol.

Ok I said I'd keep it short. haha Opps! Hope it all goes ok. I'm sure he doesn't even care that you argued!

xx

Alyeska said...

YES. I think it is healthy, as long as you both listen to each other's perspectives and try to come to a compromise or solution. It's not healthy if it's just yelling and interrupting.

Melissa Blake said...

You can't avoid fights, in any relationship. But if you're fighting more than you're loving, then I think there's a problem. Maybe some time apart will help. *hugs*

Kris said...

I think nipping at eachother's heels is perfectly fine.It's the serious stuff that gets scary... but if you're letting it out on the small stuff it gets the aggression out and makes you saner I think.

Constar said...

yes yes yes yes yes! you need to have a good row sometimes. i know it sucks cuz your all frustrated and its confusing because your not sure what arguments you may have in the future and your first few arguments are seen as omens somehow for what may come or become worse... but thats all b.s.! unless your getting a red flag about a certain behaviour during a lovers spat, your all good as far as i can see. plus the makiing up is just so fun no? ;)

Novelista Barista said...

i think fighting is normal... too much is not good... none is not good..bc no one gets along that well.
but as long as u guys can move past it and not use it against each other in future fights then it shoule be all good.

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Kristin said...

The hubs and I are the same way. It drives him nuts...I keep doing it. It will never change. HA!

Jennifer said...

fighting is normal. especially over petty stuff. especially if you're both tired and stressed. if it's resolved, let it go and just try to stick to what you said you'd do during the resolve.

Amanda said...

Disagreements in a relationship are unavoidable. You're two different people. I think the word would be arguments though. Not fights. Try not to see it in a negative light. Just treat it as it is: a disagreement. You can't possibly agree about everything.

And it sounds like if you were fighting with boyfriends before about big things like cheating it was because neither of you ever felt the same way about it. Those are never good things to be fighting about. I'd say the healthiest thing would be to have discussions (if you haven't already) about what each of your deal breakers are so you never have to fight about them.

THE ALTERNATIVE WIFE said...

I try to avoid fighting as much as possible but it is TOTALLY NORMAL! It's bound to happen when your so close to someone. The key is to know how to fight. Never be too mean or tear a person down. There's definitely a way to do it and hopefully you'll be able to have resolution that you're both happy with.

Anna Katrina said...

my boyfriend and i constantly pick small fights not large ones. i really think its healthy to fight and argue dont be afraid to say what you mean/what and dont worry about a small fight :)


stop by sometime<3
http://passportglamour.blogspot.com

Leeann @ Join the Gossip said...

See I am the opposite of you, and envy you. I get mad too quickly without thinking. I have a bit of a sharp tongue. It's def one of my biggest, if not THE biggest, flaws.

I think it's good to fight. If not then one or both of you is keeping your feelings inside and will be unhappy. The smallest things can manifest.

I always say, the best things are worth fighting for. If you don't fight you don't care enough about what's going on.

I'm sure Thursday will be much better :)

Jaime @ La vie...J'aime said...

I think it is healthy to "fight" not in a violent manner physically or mentally (of course) and can be resolved before you fall asleep at night...never fall asleep angry- so important!!

Andaje said...

Iknow you are into movies - just watch the beginning of "P.S. I Love You" - and you will see a description of why "fighting" can be healthy in a relationship - and it should leave a smile on your face as well :o)

But in real life - it is often so much easier to see the half empty glass in stead of the half full....

daniela said...

Fighting is healthy & it means you care! The problem becomes when you feel fighting isn't worth the energy.

Love your blog, found ya on 20SB :)

kimberrleigh said...

My most recent ex and I use to fight all the time over every little thing. Looking back, it was silly things but he just couldn't handle it. I would get over it quickly and move on, but he would still be pissed that we both got into a fight. Next day, next fight. When a big thing like cheating (he had an online profile on a sex site that I found... and yes, that is cheating because he was "sexting" other women) that was the nail in the coffin.

Jay Amabile said...

I do the exact same thing to my girlfriend. I have ADD so I already can't pay attention to stuff and I really have to concentrate so if she says something to me that's unrelated to whatever we're watching, I definitely have to scan backward to find out what they said. I guess I feel like I missed something. Hang in there kid, it's not a big deal. People aren't the exact same-if we all were the same we would never ever fight EVER and people wouldn't break up or get divorced. Embrace your differences. Remember that he doesn't like that next time and hopefully he remembers the little things that bother you as well.

Toni Tralala said...

I personally think that arguments are inevitable in a relationship. If couples don't fight at all then there's an underlying cause behind that. Something's definitely up! I believe that you only get to love a person by seeing both the good and the bad so going through the highs and the lows together only further fortifies the relationship.

I found you on 20 Something Bloggers! :)

Jen of Made By Girl said...

this is NORMAL....small things first and the longer you are together the BIGGER the thing you will argue about.
The question is always can you stick through it during those hard times?? :)))))

CAPow! said...

M and I don't fight, we discuss things. Sometimes we get upset, but it's never "a fight." I know couples who bicker non stop, and they are still happily together....so I guess it really depends on the personalities of the 2 people involved.

ag. said...

So I do the EXACT same thing as you when my husband and I are watching TV! And it used to drive him nuts, now he finds it endearing but he always says that it's like I wait until characters start talking to say what I'm thinking! I think that no matter what, you're going to have disagreements in a relationship, it just depends on how you handle them. My husband and I argue every once and a while but as long as we don't hurt each other and come around to seeing each other's point of view, then I don't see it as being harmful to our relationship. We are so in love and completely happy that fights here and there won't break us. And I don't think it's abnormal! My advice...pick your battles! Some things just aren't worth fighting over...which sometimes takes a while to learn!

lucy said...

i'd say fighting is necessary. if you do everything to avoid fighting, you are avoiding an issue in your relationship. addressing the issues and moving on is what makes you grow closer together.

Hollie said...

My fiance and I are in the same boat as you guys when it comes to fighting. We hardly ever fight over anything important. But when stress levels are high we tend to take our frustration out on each other by nitpicking. I don't think it's necessarily a bad thing. At least we aren't fighting over huge things, right?

Anonymous said...

If you're being real with each other, you're going to disagree at some point. I mean, you can keep it superficial and perfect, but at some point that's just boring ;) More important than what you're fighting about, I think, is how you deal with your disagreements. Are you respectful of each other? Can you find a way to compromise? To you listen to each other?

Don't be discouraged that you are comfortable enough with each other to be real. That's a good sign :))

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