Where to start? This past weekend my mind was everywhere. Everything feels so real to me all of a sudden & I’m a lil taken aback by it. I have to sit & pause & look at the decisions I have made. Maybe it’s from the birthday. I sort of feel like I’ve been a child and now I got dropped into a 25 year old’s life. This odd feeling of “Ohhh so this is what’s happening uhhh can I really do this?” has been a long time coming. It’s not new, I just haven’t written about it. It might be a consequence of the auto-pilot mode I’ve been living in. Life happened fast all of sudden. Deadlines, relationships, mortgages, furniture, health, & moving on all at once. Working out yesterday, yes I did my 10-minute exercise tape, I remembered that it’s been almost a year since I had my gall bladder removal surgery & it’s been less than 3 months since my fibroid removal surgery from my right breast. I hurt a lil bit so I have to remember to take it easy. Taking it easy…..sounds like a foreign concept to me. I need to re-introduce myself to it.
What prompted this sudden I need take a step back was really this weekend. I did in an excel spreadsheet my daily expenses when I’ll have the condo. It’s going to be a lot of money. I scrimp & I save already & now I have too increase that by ten fold & it’s making me upset. I tried to get my mortgage lady on the phone to find out exactly what my payment would be but she apparently wasn’t in today. I’m freaking out that I won’t be able to afford this or my savings will disappear too quickly & that I don’t make enough money for this. I do have enough but I just hope this isn’t going to be more of a burden than a freedom. It’s a big step all of this.
However I did get some pieces at an estate sale & a thrift store. A little paint & some cleaning & I think these pieces will be very nice.
Getting these items & some others calmed me down a bit. I can get some things for cheap so I don’t feel like I’m drowning too too bad.
The other thing that hit me in the face was my relationship with CJ. We went to one of his family barbecues & I saw him playing with kids and his family was so welcoming but I felt very overwhelmed by seeing a possible future of mine. Overwhelmed is probably the wrong word but I just feel like we’ve skipped something before all these family things. We skipped time going by. Having our parents know each other already we skipped over the “How long should we date before we meet each other’s parents?” stage. We both got catapulted into this. This is a serious relationship & I’m ready for it I just want enough time to go by for it all so it naturally progresses instead of burning everything out. I don’t think that’s too much to ask?
It’s a lot but I’m need some time with it all. Tomorrow I’m going to try to keep to myself a lil & not hang out with CJ & just do some cleaning to think things over. I need to maybe bring things a lil back to my pace so I don’t feel so out of control. New week, new day, new thoughts…new dreams. You gotta chill out once in a while. I’m in definite need. Ever do that? Take a breather & just reflect? I’ll be doing that. Til Tomorrow…