It will be just a matter of time... When I started this blog I described myself as being in that scene in the end of the movie "Castaway" where Tom Hanks is standing at the crossroads. He's trying to decide which path to choose. Well I'm right back there tonight. I'm so tired because I actually had a nightmare last night about this decision I have to make. The nightmare showed me a possible future of what it would be like if I stayed the "friend". Who I'm talking about is my Brown-eyed Mr. Big, The Mess. He imed me out of the blue on Saturday night. My blog really isn't just about my relationships but it just happens that one ex after another keeps popping up one way or another lately. I guess I didn't do anything wrong in the relationship because why even try to come back in my life or check up on me?? Why?? What do you want from me??
It's almost like I'm re-living the same angst day after day except a new ex keeps turning wheels. This one, The Mess, he's a big ex that I don't think I have the words tonight to describe how much he ripped out of my heart & then put on a disguise of being a friend. I think what hurt the most was his, "I don't care" attitude. For those new to this boy on my blog in the end all fight he told me,
I don't think any girl should ever be told that. Well, I had known him off & on for 3 1/2 years. Oh right, he was my best friend too. The guy who came to me with everything. We did so much together. I've been there for him countless times & everytime it came time for him to return the favor he wasn't there like he should be. I tried so hard to be something to him, but my hardest wasn't enough for him. He never said, "Will you be mine".
I could have done more tho, I could have put my foot down & said, "Yo what the fuck is up with us?". But I didn't. I think somehow I thought if I stayed around it would end up something, but somehow there was always something holding me back. I actually haven't even seen him since Halloween night...yeah it's been that long.
BUT what's got me today all torn about him is that he imed me on Saturday. I didn't answer. I didn't know how to say all the words I wish I could say. "I miss you, I hate you, I hate your new girlfriend, I miss you so much, I wish you chose me, you told me to go to hell 3 months ago so i did & now you want to know Where I've been???? WEll fuck you". But I froze. Everything in my gut told me to walk away let it go. When I told my friends I didn't answer him they all said, "Good, I'm glad you didn't answer, he doesn't deserve your kindness." But its eating at me. What if this will be the time he will want to be with me? That DAMN Maybe keeps getting me everytime in these past months.
I don't know what to do. Text him or wait til he actually signs online again & talk to him?? My head is telling me to forget it & walk away. My heart is aching. I loved him for 3 years. Maybe he's checking up on me cuz he actually misses me too? But I don't know with this guy if I could be just his friend. Our relationship went way too far. Would it be like the nightmare I had last night? Could it evidently destroy my heart further??
This guy got under my nails & I thought he was gone. Well now it's my choice to figure out if he will stay gone or not. What a crossroad. I'm so torn. Follow my head or my heart? Ack. I'll figure something out, I just hope I don't regret my decision. I just don't know....To let him back in or not...I guess time will tell.
I'll have a better post tomorrow, my mind is just all messed up right now with all of this. Tomorrow will be a new day & maybe a good night's sleep will help me out. I hope.