Monday, February 1, 2010

Just a Matter of time I suppose...


It will be just a matter of time... When I started this blog I described myself as being in that scene in the end of the movie "Castaway" where Tom Hanks is standing at the crossroads. He's trying to decide which path to choose. Well I'm right back there tonight. I'm so tired because I actually had a nightmare last night about this decision I have to make. The nightmare showed me a possible future of what it would be like if I stayed the "friend". Who I'm talking about is my Brown-eyed Mr. Big, The Mess. He imed me out of the blue on Saturday night. My blog really isn't just about my relationships but it just happens that one ex after another keeps popping up one way or another lately. I guess I didn't do anything wrong in the relationship because why even try to come back in my life or check up on me?? Why?? What do you want from me??

It's almost like I'm re-living the same angst day after day except a new ex keeps turning wheels. This one, The Mess, he's a big ex that I don't think I have the words tonight to describe how much he ripped out of my heart & then put on a disguise of being a friend. I think what hurt the most was his, "I don't care" attitude. For those new to this boy on my blog in the end all fight he told me,

"You don't phase me anymore."

I don't think any girl should ever be told that. Well, I had known him off & on for 3 1/2 years. Oh right, he was my best friend too. The guy who came to me with everything. We did so much together. I've been there for him countless times & everytime it came time for him to return the favor he wasn't there like he should be. I tried so hard to be something to him, but my hardest wasn't enough for him. He never said, "Will you be mine".

I could have done more tho, I could have put my foot down & said, "Yo what the fuck is up with us?". But I didn't. I think somehow I thought if I stayed around it would end up something, but somehow there was always something holding me back. I actually haven't even seen him since Halloween night...yeah it's been that long.

BUT what's got me today all torn about him is that he imed me on Saturday. I didn't answer. I didn't know how to say all the words I wish I could say. "I miss you, I hate you, I hate your new girlfriend, I miss you so much, I wish you chose me, you told me to go to hell 3 months ago so i did & now you want to know Where I've been???? WEll fuck you". But I froze. Everything in my gut told me to walk away let it go. When I told my friends I didn't answer him they all said, "Good, I'm glad you didn't answer, he doesn't deserve your kindness." But its eating at me. What if this will be the time he will want to be with me? That DAMN Maybe keeps getting me everytime in these past months.

I don't know what to do. Text him or wait til he actually signs online again & talk to him?? My head is telling me to forget it & walk away. My heart is aching. I loved him for 3 years. Maybe he's checking up on me cuz he actually misses me too? But I don't know with this guy if I could be just his friend. Our relationship went way too far. Would it be like the nightmare I had last night? Could it evidently destroy my heart further??

This guy got under my nails & I thought he was gone. Well now it's my choice to figure out if he will stay gone or not. What a crossroad. I'm so torn. Follow my head or my heart? Ack. I'll figure something out, I just hope I don't regret my decision. I just don't know....To let him back in or not...I guess time will tell.


I'll have a better post tomorrow, my mind is just all messed up right now with all of this. Tomorrow will be a new day & maybe a good night's sleep will help me out. I hope.

38 comments:

tess said...

obviously you have deep rooted feelings for him, but he sounds like more trouble than he's worth. I think you need to let him go, move on, and find someone who likes you from the start

Blondie said...

Things will be clearer tomorrow Mel...I know you will know what to do...Kori xoxo

Heather Rose said...

I have NO IDEA what to say, Mel. That's so terribly frustrating and confusing, and I wish I could help. I'll keep you in my prayers, so that whatever decision you make will be what's best for you. Love Love Love

Kellie Collis said...

Hopefully that good night's sleep will do you the world of good.

Secretia said...

Long after relationships end the parties involved dream about how it used to be. We all want back the good that we had, and often we just don't know what is good until we lose it. Reunions can be sweet, but they will always be "new", people change, that's why.
Go carefully forward.

Secretia

Little Ms Blogger said...

Years ago, I was in therapy for various reasons, but at the time, I had a "stalker-type" guy in my life. A guy who tracked me down via the Internet when my marriage fell apart. I was lost and vulnerable and struck up what I thought was a friendship. It got weird and creepy. I ended it.

My therapist knew if he contacted me with a sob story I'd help him, but ya know what, the end was more important to me than getting the last word. I wanted him out of my life and didn't respond to his email.

He's tried contacting me over the years and I ignore his emails, requests to visits, etc... I'm happier.

Don't respond. Heal.

From what you've shared, Big Mess knows you care and he may need his ego stroked. Don't. You'll just get hurt.

Realliveman said...

Nice Blog. I will be back for more!

Jennifer said...

Hm... Sounds like it's more trouble than it's worth to get back into even a friend thing... But any advice anyone gives you, no matter how sound it may be, will only matter until you've worn out every other option of being a friend, sorta-friend, enemy, or lover and then switching to ignoring him or whatever other advice there is for you here... I mean, it seems you have just about come to your wits end with all of these options, from what I've read here, but if he still has a way of contacting you, he'll always be in your life...

Couture Carrie said...

Hope you got some good zzzzs and are able to sort this out, darling!

xoxox,
CC

woodlandsblonde said...

I think if he really wants to be in your life he will make more of an effort than to just IM you. Stay strong girl!!

You deserve the world....and if he's not willing to fight for you forget it.

The offender must come to the offended and apologize. You did NOTHING wrong.

Bathwater said...

It sounds like there is no way you should let him back into your life. To not move forward is to move backward.

Leah said...

Melanie... please follow your head this time. I don't want to see you get hurt anymore. You deserve better. xoxo

911 and the Randomness.. said...

OK, I've got a similar issue. Best friend for 5 years, wanted more, had to stop talking to him so that I could save my marriage and he his. Then months later, he contacts me out of the blue.
We e-mailed for a couple months but he pushed for more again and I had to kick him out of my life again. Now I feel like my heart is broken AGAIN. In short, Just say no.

Michelle said...

I would just let him go! If he's given you that much heartache over years and years, he's not worth it, even if he does really want to be with you now.

You'll find someone who wants to be with you from day one. Hold out for that guy.

Angie Muresan said...

Think of it as experience and move on. The guy clearly does not deserve your friendship. Put an abrupt end to his contacting you. You have too beautiful and pure a soul to allow it be shred like this. Hugs and blessings!

Girl in My Own World said...

Oh my dear Mel, This is what I say. Don't go back and the reason that I say that is just because in my experience... when there has been that much pain in a situation - getting out of it is the best thing that could ever happen to you. Plus who would ever tell someone that they don't phase them. Especially if this is supposed to be your best friend. What? No girl -you are so so much better than that. I have always felt that true LOVE sent from God is a blessing and it is a precious gift. Gifts are to make you happy not sad and while no relationship will ever be perfecto because we are all human thus leaving us flawed... you still should not be in that much turmoil and if you are you should keep on skipping girl and wait for God to send you something better and he will! :o) Hope that today is a better day and that this and a restful night helps you through today! :o)

Sadako said...

Hope you feel better! Guy sounds like a right ass.

HISdaughter said...

It's hard to say what you shoudl do, because I don't feel what you're feeling right now. I DO relate to how difficult it is to make those BIG decisions sometimes, jsut wondering if what you choose is the right choice. I am parying for you, you'll know what to do. Maybe give yourself a little time to really think about it. Much love to you :)

Valentine Devlieghere said...

You have a great blog!
Best of luck! ;)

Follow me if you want on http://ptitevalentine-be.blogspot.com/

x Valentine

LENORENEVERMORE said...

ouch! I feel you Mel!
I think we have to follow both; heart & head...sometimes both are called EQ.
My IQ is below average when it comes to decisions sometimes too!
much LOVE* to you~

Simply Colette said...

Hi honey! I've been trying to leave you comments that past few days at home on my computer and it freezes, so irritating. So I'm leaving a quick one at work, shh! Didn't want you to think I've forgotten you. Loved your post about the one size fits all panties, so cute on the teddy! Hope you are hanging in there. :) xoxo

btw, how is "The Lovely Bones" I loved the movie, and thought about reading it. Have you read "Dear John"? OMG I loved it. :)

Pop Champagne said...

I hope you feel better. I think maybe you just want closure? Like either tell him off or tell him goodbye. I think that he contacted you probably because guys are territorial. Even though he is not with you anymore and he moved on he still would like to "see" if you are with anyone just for the sake of knowing... I have a few guy friends who are like that. I hope you will get over him soon, it's easier to say than do but do whatever to help you get over the douche <3

adi said...

You are brave to be so honest about painful situations like this! I think every girl has a guy they can't really let go, no matter how much they try. If he does miss you, let him miss you for a change. If he really wants to be with you, he'll keep trying.

P said...

I hope things are a bit clearer now, half a day or so later. But then I know how it's not always possible to get these things worked out in your head. I've been there myself. All I can say from experience is, you did the right thing by not answering him. I think with certain people, things will NEVER change.

Chin up, sweetie. It will all work out in the end. :) x

Abby Kihano said...

feels like im going through the same thing. i mean, this whole situation of letting the person who once inspired me... totally broke me. and now, i don't know whether to follow my head or my heart.

i wish you good luck on everything :]

Aquiles Damiron-Alcantara said...

You GOT to watch VH1's Tough Love lol...

If he really loved you, he would have not treated you like he did. I do not think someone who treats a girl like that is a man at all.

I would take the road contrary to his.

Aquiles

Jennifer Fabulous said...

If Mess really wants you this time, he would do more than just randomly IM you.

I am so scared if you start to be nice again, he will treat you like shit and you will be heartbroken, just like before.

My advice: don't give him the time of day. If he's changed, make him prove it. Even if he wants to be friends with you, he needs to earn that friendship back bit by bit.

I'm sorry if that sounds harsh, but you are not only a beautiful, smart, and FABULOUS girl, but you are also a HUMAN BEING. And you deserve to be treated with respect.

xoxo!

Iva said...

oh no. I am so sorry. I hope that a good nights rest will be able to help you sort some things out.

OceanDreams said...

Hey sweetie, if you feel like he hasn't treated you well in the past, then it is important to stick with what your gut says, because you really do deserve the best. You do!

drollgirl said...

oh girl. i feel for you. we are on very similar paths lately. i saw an ex yesterday. i knew it would be hard -- very hard -- and it sure was. lots of tears after he left, and lots of wondering guessing and second guessing and wondering. it sure messes with a girl's head.

Jack Daniel said...

That IM was definitely some sort of a 'Bootycall'. I'm the only guy out here and I know...what guys really want...

Or perhaps I'm talking BS right now? :P

Chessa! said...

I think that we've all been in this situation and any way you slice it...it's so hard. I agree with Iva, take a night's rest...or several nights and you will figure it out. You've made it so long without him and you were so strong (strong enough) to ignore his IM. If he wonders how you are he should not be a wimp and he should actually call you and ask you like a man. IM and email is such a cop out - I know I'm old school since my husband and I laugh bc when we started dating there was no such thing as texting...but...you deserve respect. I agree with your friends that you did the right thing by ignoring him. in time you will figure out what you want to do...if you haven't already...
xx

Lise said...

Oh hun, hope you're feeling more clear this morning. I always think you have to go with your gut. If you really feel you need resolution maybe it is worth seeing him but I agree with all the other girls - you deserve respect and if he really wants to see you he'll man up and contact you properly. GOOD LUCK!

Red Shoes said...

I know what you mean about the exes suddenly resurfacing... they need to go away...

~shoes~

Shauna said...

I hope things will be clearer for you tomorrow. I love your blog. You're a great writer!

carissajaded said...

Girl I hope you can figure out what to do, and then let me know what to do. I'm pretty much in the same boat... and am lost, without a paddle... all that shiz. Helllppp

The Owl's Closet said...

oh melanie, i'm so glad u didn't call/txt/IM him. he doesn't deserve u, either:) just stick to ur gut and keep moving forward!

TheOwlsCloset.blogspot.com

Sophia said...

If he left you aching, maybe he's just not the one for you. Don't go back to mistreatment because you're heart is telling you to. I've done it, it will just hurt you again. Good for you for not answering. I think you need to distract yourself from him and let it go... It's hard, but can be achieved. :)

Much love,
Sophia
http://apoetscircus.blogspot.com/

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