I heard "Torn" by Natalie Imbruglia today and I cried the last time. I heard that song and then got a pen and began to write. Began to write everything down I want to say to CJ. Somehow today I came up for air from a suffocating feeling. I realized him and I have grown apart and this break is a true turning point. If he meant all those demeaning things and doesn't care that he hurt me then I'm gone. If he doesn't mean them then what the fuck? How can you feel secure in a relationship where your boyfriend is criticizing everything. How can you feel secure when he's asking you to take off the pretty dress because it makes him feel like a he's not dressed good enough. I'm a nice person because I am nice and that is who I've always been. I'm not a bitch and when I talked to him about hurting my feelings he was supposed to stop. If he can ensure me that he will be there for me and be supportive then that's different. If he can't promise me that he will be there...that's not fair to me and I will have to leave.
I wrote it all down and I will read it to him. I did text him today to tell him "I need and want to talk to you". He responded immediately "I'm nervous." Is he nervous that I will call him out on him being an asshole or is he nervous that I didn't change. But I didn't change I just woke up. I have to see him on Thursday because unfortunately a friend of my family's mother passed away so I have to go to a wake on Wednesday. I will read him the letter. I feel good about this becuase it will either go that we will work on being a couple or then its done. I'm ready to face im with my confidence full blast.
Thank you everyone for your comments. I needed them more then you will ever know. Thank you thank you!