“If you like pina coladas and getting caught in the rain then I’m the lady that you’re looking for…”
CJ and I met at 8pm yesterday and it was a successful meeting. I went in there hoping we were the pina colada song…both people forgetting who we were in the relationship. We are not back together because we both came to the realization we can not just go back to what it was between us. I was assertive & called him a belittling asshole and he agreed that he has been pretty much a distant monster and he couldn’t tell me why he did it. In this “space” time, he realized he is insecure and is a brat and it was truly not me that was the problem. The problem apparently was that I was a great girlfriend to him and he couldn’t handle it. For the life of me I can’t fathom that but in relationships you have to realize that there were other girlfriends before you and people will rack up baggage and they can honestly believe they don’t deserve a good girlfriend for whatever reason. That is NO excuse for trying to destroy a good person’s self-esteem or confidence and try to change them. He wanted us to fight but we were fighting except I wasn’t a bitch when I was fighting…I was a concerned girlfriend that was trying to argue not scream at him whereas he expected the bitch from all that has happened in his past. That is seriously messed up. I was trying to be an adult in a real relationship and he wasn’t and he fully admits he was wrong.
Also we realized from LITERALLY from the first 10 minutes of our first date that was over a year ago there has been a pressure on us that shoved us literally into the serious category and we BOTH crumpled under it. Part of it is his fault, making me tell him I could see him in my future and answer if he was the “one” after 3 dates. He was so afraid of wasting time with someone that he shackled himself to me before he knew me and before time went by AND our parents worked together which we didn’t know when we first met. That made the relationship serious almost immediately. We were boyfriend and girlfriend before we knew it and lost the fun and sparkle. I was working at trying to bring it back but we both got too comfortable and he stopped trying to be a good boyfriend. It was my fault too, not to speak up more constructively and let this continue on where I was being mentally hurt.
It was weird hearing someone say “I don’t want to have to work so hard at a relationship” but it’s not that hard. Is it so hard to tell someone that they look pretty in that dress? So hard to put your arm around your girlfriend when she is crying? So hard to not be an asshole to a girl who loves you? So hard to hang out with her and not play your guitar the whole time? No it isn’t too hard and I asked if he wanted a girlfriend at all…because it truthfully sounded like he didn’t want the responsibility of having someone in his life. We don’t have to be constantly doing bf/gf stuff but you can’t shut someone out either from your life. Which brings us to where our relationship status is now…
We are together but we are on a break so we both can collect ourselves more. He needs to figure out who the fuck he is because he lost it. He lost himself in his own actions. He admits that fact which I think is promising. He needs to realize that there is a difference between being an honest man and a blunt asshole. He needs to realize that he is almost 30 years old and the world does not revolve around him and will not cater to him hand and foot. And I…I need to sit back and really think if I want to be with him after all of this. I do love him but if he isn’t willing to be a good boyfriend or can’t handle the responsibility of being in a relationship then I have to say goodbye when the 2 week break is up.
He walked me to my car and said a line he used from our first date. “I don’t usually kiss on the first date” and then kissed me. It was a different kiss and I could feel it. Different because he put his hand on my face and caressed my cheek. It wasn’t a sexual kiss but a kiss of love. I felt it. It felt like the guy I met a year ago peeked through again.
I still am uncertain what’s going to happen between Cj and I but it looks like it will be a hopeful better future for both of us. Till Tomorrow…