Monday, November 15, 2010

Girls Night Vs. Guys Night

So here’s an interesting topic to debate that just happened to come to the surface this weekend. This weekend was the celebration of one of my best friend’s birthdays & the festivities were a Girls Night. We did the cosmetic show in the morning & then her younger family members all met up in Yonkers for to hit the bars & get a free drinks & just chill. It was 8 ladies, including me, & we were all dressed up ready to take the town by storm. BUT here’s the thing…5 of us HAVE BOYFRIENDS. We’re not single but we were in the bars with make-up makeovers, cute boots, & are hair all done. We sat, drank, & sort of just talked about our boyfriends & commented on some cute eye candy. Then the time got late so we all parted our ways. So here’s the Question: What were the guys doing while we were all out?

Naturally there will come this time when the girlfriend will do her own thing one night & the boyfriend vice versa. Well while I was at a bar, so was CJ at a bar. CJ was dressed in a collared shirt with 4 of his SINGLE guy friends on the prowl with them. 4 single guys in a bar, with an open bar option are going to be looking for one thing. *Cough* I wasn’t born yesterday so yeah I know. Here’s where the issue arised.

Apparently CJ & the other buddies were talking to girls to try to get them to go for one of the newly single dudes at this lil bar night. CJ says he immediately told them all the girls that he had a girlfriend to which they either flirted with him or left him be. I had a problem with this. I trust him & I know he didn’t cheat on me but knowing he was with all those single guys who are trying to flirt upset me a lil. But I find myself a lil stuck with this argument. 

I met up with CJ eventually where I found out about how they were talking to all the girls & his response was, “Tonight made me miss you even more & I’m happy I’m in a relationship with you.”  I believe him but I guess where I’m pissed is that when I was at my bar I wasn’t talking to tons of guys trying to hook up the single girls of the party. I was there to chill with my friends & enjoy having a drink with them & share some stories. Why wasn’t he?

I explained to CJ the next day that I was uncomfortable with the fact that he was out talking to girls flirting-ish while I wasn’t there because sure as hell every girl after he said “I have a girlfriend” must have said, “Well…Where is she then?”.  He did understand & insured me that it was all harmless & it was for the friend & now he won't go around trying to find his friend girls anymore. The whole thing to me is just awkward. I’m not sure if I have to say,

“Hey if you have a guy’s night please can it be poker or pool or something that does NOT include a Single's bar, please?”

It’s weird. CJ understood where I was coming from so that’s the conversation ended on a high note. If he goes to certain bars where generally everybody is single he promised to take me because he didn’t want to do anything to fuck up our relationship. I don’t think I was wrong expressing my opinion either. What do you think?

Is there anything you don’t want your boyfriend to do? OR your girlfriend on those respective “Guy/Girl Nights? 

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Christopher said...

I prefer to try and trust that my girlfriend won't get into any trouble but it's hard sometimes I know. My thing is, If they're going to be the kind of person to cheat it's probably better they have the opportunity so I can find out early on. Easier said than done, but that's what I try to do anyway.

ag. said...

You always have such great debates. Personally, I think guys and girls are entitled to nights out to do what they want...even if it means trying to get their buddy a 'date'. But I don't think you're wrong at all for the way you feel and for telling CJ. You should definitely express your opinion and you should definitely tell him how you feel if it makes you uncomfortable. I'm always a little jealous if I know my guy is out with a bunch of single girls around but in the end, we're open and honest with each other so I'm not worried about what happens when we're apart. You should make sure to tell him all the details of your night so he feels comfortable telling you all about his.

ag. said...

PS I also think there are a TON of double standards when it comes to girls going out vs guys going out but that's a whole other topic of debate! :)

Brent said...

I understand where you're coming from, but from a guys point of view, it's just "part of being a guy". That's not to dismiss what you're saying, or permit guys to do anything, I'm just saying that when you're with your "boys", proper guy etiquette dictates that you "wingman" (for the single friends of course). Wingman-ning includes talking to girls that approach you, or approaching girls to talk to them all for the purpose of getting your friend a phone number, or some sort of follow-up with them. This all includes of course, talking flirtatiously, and -- CJ did the right thing by being up front with his relationship status. That's all you can really ask for, and he's being a good guy. That's where your trust should come in to fill in the gaps. Because when you're wingman-ning, you flirt and whatnot to keep the girls around long enough for your buddy to do his thing. If you're straight up front with telling them you're not single, it almost jeopardizes your buddy's conversation. So in the end, it's a very good sign that CJ was willing to do that and told the girls straight up that he's not single. I might be getting overly technical here, but I think it's good if you understand what probably went through CJ's head.

-But you made another point about you and your girls not having done the same thing the guys did. Well, the answer is simple in that case. You're girls. And that of course is not a sexist or dismissing statement, it's just simple how you girls are different in groups compared to dudes. Even though 5/8 of you were taken, I assume the other 3 didn't go off and separate from the group to "hunt" guys right? They probably stuck around and stayed with the group. See, if it were guys, the single ones would've split up from the group to "hunt" for girls and it wouldn't be all that uncommon for the non-single guys to help (wingman) for them either. I say you shouldn't be upset or worried because all he was doing was being a good friend to his buddies. Can these situations turn into something where he could go too far? Of course, but that's where your trust should come in.

Jennifer said...

Hm. I've never been in that situation, so I'm not sure... :\ If my boyfriend, Trey, did that, I'm sure I would be uncomfortable with it. If CJ loves you, he'd accept what you have to say and respect it, and he did, which is good. It means he really is with you to be with you. I know if I told Trey something like that, he would definitely respect it and I love having that comfort.

There is nothing wrong with telling your boyfriend when you're uncomfortable with something. It's good to be honest. :) I'm glad everything ended brightly with it.

gleenn said...

I do understand how you feel. My bf goes out with his male friends too and I don't mind. Boys, just like girls, need their time out. The only time that makes me a bit suspicious is when they go out for a soon-to-be groom. He tells me that they just went to a bar and nothing harmful activities. But as you said, we weren't born yesterday. I think of things that I see in movies or read in pocketbooks. I imagine them hiring a gal offering her to the groom and when his done, the rest of the gang feast with the left over. ewww. Really weird. But when my bf assures me that he doesn't participates in such acts, then I believe him. I wouldn't find out anyway and I don't to. I know him and I trust him. And I know my place in his heart and his life. So I don't worry a bit. ;)

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tess said...

I understand your jealousy, but I don't think it is as big of a deal as you made it. Clearly nothing happened with CJ that night. But I guess if you're really worried and you tell him you don't want him to go out on the town like that again, he should respect your wishes.

avant garde said...

hey, this picture of you guys is great. looks like you all had fun on your girls night out. i understand what you are's a tough call because i think no matter how hard we try, we will never get guys (most anyway) to have a night out in the way girls can. maybe it's the primevil thing with them? not sure but i liked reading that you were upfront and honest with him. if you guys keep that communication and honesty going, it's going to be a very great relationship. ;)

Krystal said...

Oo, interesting topic! I totally see where you are coming from! Nice that he respects that :)

The Shanner of Attention said...

Oh, Melanie...I love how you throw your emotions out on your blog. You do it so well...hence all your followers. I think this is the first time ever, though, that I'm not 100% in agreement with you. (it happens, right?!)

If you trust CJ, I think what went down during guys night out was AOK. A relationship built on trust goes super far. And after he has a night "flirting-ish" with other girls, he gets to see you and take advantage of that. ;)

Of course, this is just my opinion. I've been wrong in the past. Ha!

Anonymous said...

Ditto every word that Brent said.

Plus, you can't build a relationship on "I trust you if you only go where I allow you to go." It's not fair to either one of you. It's great that you talked about it, great that he understands and is willing to work with you. But you have GOT to trust him to behave like the good man that he is. If you don't it's just the beginning of the end.

The Boyfriend has a job that puts him in contact with a lot of girls who are, to put it mildly, young and hot and pretty much in heat. I have got to trust every day that he will honor my feelings when he is at work with women throwing themselves at him. Trust CJ to honor your feelings and he will rise to the challenge.

Cafe Fashionista said...

Personally, I know that guys and girls function/think differently; but I feel like they really need to ask themselves "Would my significant other be uncomfortable with this?" before they do anything. A relationship means respect; and whether you're surrounded with single friends or not, you have to remember that.

I honestly think that CJ does love you, Melanie; but I can see where you would be upset. One thing my mom always says, that is kind of funny, is that, once you're in a relationship, you have to keep your guy away from his friends because they always end up getting him into all sorts of trouble, or causing tumultuous moments in your relationship. :/

Laura Trevey said...

First of all, I LOVE "the Hangover"... one of the top movies on my list!

Great post

Len♥reNeverM♥re said...

Interesting debate!
all I know, men are from Mars~haha!


Diana Mieczan said...

Its very good that you told him how you feel...and lovely of him for respecting it. Its a very interesting dabate,sweetie
Hugs and kisses
Btw: That photo of your and your girls is adorable

hiven said...

lovely x hivennn.

Jennifer Fabulous said...

I'm with you. A boyfriend with single guy friends at a bar just spells troule. Even if he sincerely doesn't want any other girl and talks about you. Because I know some of the girls who look for guys at bars and they don't give a DAMN whether or not a guy has a girlfriend. If the girlfriend isn't there, she might as well not exist. Ugh. :( So yeah, I 'm totally with you on this.

Then again...had you gone to the bar with your five single girlfriends, things might have been different on your end. They might have been flirting with guys and you're pretty, so guys would have been flirting with you, whether you liked it or not...hmmm...

Audrey Allure said...

It's good that you told him how you felt and it sounds like he was just trying to help some of his friends. I get jealous sometimes when my boyfriend hangs out with his single friends, but I know he's not doing anything disrespectful to me. CJ seems like a great guy & it does sound like he means it when he says he's glad to be in a relationship with you :)

Miranda said...

My boyfriend is overly obsessive about my girls nights, which is annoying. People don't cheat unless they want to.

Celia said...

I think you were 100% correct in your actions and feelings... why? Because this is how you felt!! and there is nothing wrong with that! :)

You opened up to him, told him how you felt, and talked things over. A great relationship is built off of great communication!

The Love and I go out to a campus pub a lot to meet our old college friends, TONS of single people there and other girls would flirt with him right in front of me. This is when the light went off in my head about how much the love really loves me. He chatted with them (never once did he seem nervous), and then let them be on their way. My rule... as long as there is no physical contact - all is okay. :)

Perhaps go out with him one time, see how things are, it may put you more at ease. Most of the Love's friends are single, and although I know how they all are around women I have become friends with those guy too and know that they respect me as his girlfriend and one day hope to have what we have. Heck, they pass all their potentials by me for approval lol

Have you met all of his single guy friends??

I love your writing girly, sucks me in every time!

PinkBow said...

oh what a debate!! i don't even think i have time to go into my thoughts on this one ;-) but i do agree with chris at the top. they're either that type of person or not. and if they are, best find out early on. that said, i would put money on yours not being that way xx

Rachel said...

I can see where you're coming from. You do have a right to be concerned because obviously you want to know what's going on and you want to be sure he's not doing anything he's supposed to. I think it's good that you expressed that with CJ, but you definitely have to make sure you're not keeping him from going out with his friends or anything like that. All you can really do is just trust that he loves you and wouldn't do anything to hurt you.

Jaime @ La vie...J'aime said...

it totally get where you're coming from- it's hard to balance having a guys/girls night but also not feeling uncomfortable about flirting or what not. to me, it seems he did his best "honoring" you (so to speak).

Mo Pie, Please said...

Tis a tough subject to conquer. My guy doesn't know how to flirt and his friends certainly don't drag him along as a wingman so when he has guy nights it really does involve poker and a lot of whiskey. But I can see where you're coming from. It's aweomse that he said that night made him miss you even more and be thankful for your relationship - so do keep that in mind whenever you imagine him flirting with other girls (cause I know you're imagining that all the time, right?!) . He seems like a great guy and you don't want anything like a little jealousy/discomfort over other women coming between you unless he's been unfaithful. He just needs to realize that it hurts you and that the relationship works both ways so he has to be mindful of your feelings and vice versa. Hope it works out ok! xoxo

Leeann @ Join the Gossip said...

I totally understand where you're coming from. I would get jealous of my boyfriends going out, even if I was. I think in general guys are just different than (most) girls. I am single and still perfectly happy going to a bar to hang out with my friends and not look for guys. Whereas guys go to talk to girls. So I am sure he was just doing what they do, except, not for him. For his friend. If that made any

OneCraftyFox said...

OK, I see your point... but... was he hanging with his single friends for the sake of hanging with them, or was he actually *flirting* with the girls while hanging with them. Cuz those are two totally different things.

When I go out with my girlfriends, we often get approached my guys. Being in a relationship, I will be "nice" and "friendly" but don't flirt. I am fine with my boyfriend acting the same way while he is out, but dare he flirt... watch out! lol!

Pop Champagne said...

I don't really care if random girls flirt with my bf and he talks to them back, people just like to be adored, it's our nature. but if he touches them back or becomes too friendly then that is a different story. I agree that you need your alone time from them with your friends in order for you to miss them!

Kristin said...

If you trust him I don't think you have anything to worry about!

Barry said...

I'll try to answer this objectively because Sandy and I have an extremely open relationship and this scenario wouldn't even be an issue.

You were right in talking to CJ, absolutely. Right or wrong, how you feel is how you feel. But it does come down to a matter of trust and remember, he didn't have to reveal as much as he did. You need to embrace that straightforwardness in him.

Men and women flirt, often more when they know someone's taken. (A few months ago a stripper told me she loves married men because they're a "challenge"). Whether flirting is considered cheating depends on your perspective. To my mind they're not in the same hemisphere.

Had he been wanting to hook up with other women himself I can see you being jealous. But as others have said, you both have to trust each other. At the same time, please don't think I'm discrediting how you feel Mel. It upset you and it's valid.

The important thing is to keep the communication open, and good for you for speaking your mind instead of keeping it all bottled in. That's where the biggest problems start.

Christina In Wonderland said...

My thing is that I find jealousy is usually less about what you think the OTHER person is doing and more about CONTROLLING the other person in the relationship. Most people don't realize they're even doing it, you know? But it happens. It's natural. As is guys talking to girls and girls talking to guys. You two aren't going to be the ONLY people in the world that each of you find attractive, and, yeah, you both may talk to other people and flirt a little. But flirting is NOT cheating, nor does it typically lead to cheating.

I say just let it go. Trust your man, and, in turn, he'll trust you. If you don't have that in a relationship, no matter what situation, then you don't have a relationship at all.

He's going to have his friends, and he's going to go out with his friends, and help his friends get with girls... so, why worry yourself with what-ifs or if-evers. You'll be better off.

Not to say that you can't feel how you feel! But, often, take a deeper look, you know. There might be an easy way to realize why you really feel the jealousy or just upset with him in general.

PS: Sorry about the seriously epically long comment.


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