Saturday, May 8, 2010

Maybe you will always be...just a lil out of reach.

There comes those weeks were it really goes in slow motion & your just left with your thoughts. You get ready for your day, brush your hair, & push forwardPerhaps it’s because of a few looming dates coming up & how my life seems to throw me back into reality whenever I least expect it. I’ve always been a realistic person but geez sometimes it can be a real struggle. Health issues, the past haunting my dreams, up-coming holidays, friend issues, ex-crap, my job driving me more insane, & of course the unknown future. It’s been almost a year since I’ve graduated college, almost a year since the mess disappeared on me, almost….sigh….too many almosts…but I feel like I haven’t done much to improve my life in that year. Too many steps back…not enough steps forward.

I’ve mentioned this before & will say it from time to time. Whenever I drive around in my county in New York, sometimes I’m up high enough on a hill, or there is a clearing in the trees, so I can see the skyline of New York City. That Empire State building stands tall in all its glory. It peeks over the trees taunting me. It seems like its so far away but then again its right at my finger tips for the taking. That’s how I’ve been seeing things. It’s there…I somehow need to find a way to get to that happiness. I’m not just going to magically appear in NYC so I need to do things to make me get there as well as the other things I want.

I hope the new job, the new apartment, the new boyfriend is not completely out of reach. It takes time. Maybe I’m being impatient but I want to feel better, I want to decorate my new apartment, & I want to have another kiss that makes the world slip away for a while. A friend of a friend asked me to go out tonight to the Brewery…I’ve met him before & he knows the movie, “Escape from NY” with Kurt Russell so maybe we might hit it off if we start to know one another better. I dunno. I’m sort of apprehensive meeting people through this friend because her track record isn’t good. Every guy, including one of her family members, wound up being assholes. I got nothing to lose tho, meeting someone new…who knows. I guess I’ll see.

One thing that is Gone is my Brown-eyed Mr. Big. He will always be just a lil out of reach. Well he’s not Mr. Big, he isn’t going to rescue me in Paris, & …the void that came back when he left is crushing me more than I’d like to admit. I should be elsewhere this weekend but there’s not even room left for me in his life. Every spot is filled…I gotta let go, consciously & subconsciously. I loved him so much but he couldn’t see it. I wonder if he’s happy. I really wonder.

Well today I’m going to be cleaning & hanging out with my mom for the day. I think we’re going to go get new curtains & do lunch. She’s been through so much with me in the past 3 years, I really appreciate her in ways she has no idea. Without her, I don’t know how I would have kept myself together.

Today I’m going to go with the flow…keep my heart open…my high-heels clanging on the street…& try to put that smile on my face & hope for the best.

Title is from the song: "Satellite" by Guster. I love that song.


tess said...

this sounds like a step in the right direction, you're moving on. and that's a good thing

Heather Rose said...

I'm with Tess. One step at a time. Maybe even try to enjoy this time where you just have to worry about YOU, and what you want/where you want to be. You know what they say, sometimes you can't find what you're looking for until you stop looking. There's something to that, I think. You're a clever girl, and you'll recognize it when it comes along. *mwah*

angel6033 said...

I am always glad to see you remain positive and hopeful, that truly is the best. That is all we can do move forward and reinvent! I hope you enjoy your weekend with your mom and that it becomes a step in the right direction towards your happiness again :)

Claire Kiefer said...

I feel you girl, and wonder the same things frequently. But then remind myself that everything generally works out. Here's hoping!

drollgirl said...

i hope you are going with the flow today and enjoying life. i think a lot of chicks (myself included) are always wondering what is next and when will i have all that i want (or at least SOME of it). i do that a lot, and sometimes i have to yell at myself to try and enjoy some of the things i have. ugh. it is a struggle! but i guess it probably is for most of us? i guess. fingers crossed that the things you are hoping for happen soon!

Raisa said...

I like your metaphor about standing above something and looking out on it.... Somethings really are out of reach, but if we keep stretching to get them, one day, maybe, we'll close our fists, and grab onto something nice.

Bathwater said...

We are better off with them being out of reach we just don't realize it. It goes back to the story of the monkey's paw and the three wishes.

You wish never beings you what you expect. It is better not to try and change the past.

Heather Taylor said...

You WILL get to New York, I have confidence in you! These ambitions are never out of reach. As I often say, "Rome wasn't built in a day." Everything that is worked for with passion and strength takes time and this sort of time rewards in the best ways :)

Being Brazen said...

It all takes time...but it will all happen... :)


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