Before I knew it, I'm right back here at my lil desk writing another post. Today just went by like a blink of an eye. 9am turned to 5pm & 5,000 pages indexed at my job & 5 or so phone calls later. One nap down, one day of walking through my office building in heels enjoying the loud sound of them on the ceramic floor, one zoning out time of random thoughts & one day down before Wednesday & then Friday. I was wondering how this week was going to go down. Fast or slow? Fast...too fast to hold on to, but I guess that's a good thing.
I'm not scared or anything for my surgery Friday. I trust the surgeon, he explained that there won't be much of a scar on my breast, & that it's not cancerous so I shouldn't be alarmed. I've had 3 other sugeries, one of which was also to remove fibroids, so it's not first time jitters. It's just...Well I haven't told many people. I took off Friday from work but I didn't tell my boss about the surgery, he didn't really give me a chance to tell him anyway. I didn't tell either set of grandparents because I didn't want them to worry because they barely handled the other ones I've had. I'm the only acknowledged grandchild (yes every family has secrets) on one side, & I'm one of 3 on the other. I don't have the heart to tell them I'm sick again. Maybe what I'm feeling is the pressure of dealing with it & staying calm & covering it up & trying to be an adult & a big girl in all of this.
I know the drill. I know what to do to make it go easy too. You put your arm out for the anesthia, you take the nail polish off your nails, you take the hair clips out of your hair, & then you lay back & sleep. You wake up & then you go home. It's as easy as pie. But regardless of how many times you go through something like this it changes you. Break-ups, moving to a new house, new relationships, friends, health issues, even missing that cup of coffee in the morning...it changes you. I think this one has changed me the most & it hasn't even happened yet.
It's made me a lil more tired, more paranoid, my tear ducts are screaming at me, a lil more closed off to my close friends, (whom which 2 thought I had it already which means they didn't listen to a word I said), a lil more touchy at certain subjects in conversation, & I feel like I crawled into myself a lil bit more. I feel like pieces of me are being taken away literally & mentally & I want them back. I know I can't go back to the days where I could play a video game without a bill to pay, I actually like paying my bills, but I wish I had that spring to my step again. Maybe not worry about things for a day, an hour, or any fragment of time. I'm really looking forward to a vacation sometime soon.
I've backspaced & deleted & had such a hard time writing this post. My mind is everywhere. I think after the surgery I'm going to take 2 weeks away from my life to heal. Not answer the phone, not go out, not deal with other people's drama, or my own, & just heal. Regardless of the surgery I think I really need to heal. Heal my wounded heart, heal my body, heal my mind, heal my lil world. I haven't forgotten about Batman, I will go out with him Wednesday & see where that goes. He will be one exception...maybe it'll be a good one.
A few more days...I hope they blink by fast.