Monday, May 24, 2010

A blink of an eye...

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Before I knew it, I'm right back here at my lil desk writing another post. Today just went by like a blink of an eye. 9am turned to 5pm & 5,000 pages indexed at my job & 5 or so phone calls later. One nap down, one day of walking through my office building in heels enjoying the loud sound of them on the ceramic floor, one zoning out time of random thoughts & one day down before Wednesday & then Friday. I was wondering how this week was going to go down. Fast or slow? Fast...too fast to hold on to, but I guess that's a good thing.

I'm not scared or anything for my surgery Friday. I trust the surgeon, he explained that there won't be much of a scar on my breast, & that it's not cancerous so I shouldn't be alarmed. I've had 3 other sugeries, one of which was also to remove fibroids, so it's not first time jitters. It's just...Well I haven't told many people. I took off Friday from work but I didn't tell my boss about the surgery, he didn't really give me a chance to tell him anyway. I didn't tell either set of grandparents because I didn't want them to worry because they barely handled the other ones I've had. I'm the only acknowledged grandchild (yes every family has secrets) on one side, & I'm one of 3 on the other. I don't have the heart to tell them I'm sick again. Maybe what I'm feeling is the pressure of dealing with it & staying calm & covering it up & trying to be an adult & a big girl in all of this.

I know the drill. I know what to do to make it go easy too. You put your arm out for the anesthia, you take the nail polish off your nails, you take the hair clips out of your hair, & then you lay back & sleep. You wake up & then you go home. It's as easy as pie. But regardless of how many times you go through something like this it changes you. Break-ups, moving to a new house, new relationships, friends, health issues, even missing that cup of coffee in the morning...it changes you. I think this one has changed me the most & it hasn't even happened yet.

It's made me a lil more tired, more paranoid, my tear ducts are screaming at me, a lil more closed off to my close friends, (whom which 2 thought I had it already which means they didn't listen to a word I said), a lil more touchy at certain subjects in conversation, & I feel like I crawled into myself a lil bit more. I feel like pieces of me are being taken away literally & mentally & I want them back. I know I can't go back to the days where I could play a video game without a bill to pay, I actually like paying my bills, but I wish I had that spring to my step again. Maybe not worry about things for a day, an hour, or any fragment of time. I'm really looking forward to a vacation sometime soon.

I've backspaced & deleted & had such a hard time writing this post. My mind is everywhere. I think after the surgery I'm going to take 2 weeks away from my life to heal. Not answer the phone, not go out, not deal with other people's drama, or my own, & just heal. Regardless of the surgery I think I really need to heal. Heal my wounded heart, heal my body, heal my mind, heal my lil world. I haven't forgotten about Batman, I will go out with him Wednesday & see where that goes. He will be one exception...maybe it'll be a good one.

A few more days...I hope they blink by fast.

22 comments:

Aquiles Damiron-Alcantara said...

I hope all goes well. Remember that there is a reason, and many times a great reason behind everything. You said it best, this might be a great opportunity to heal, grow, evolve, transition,understand life from a different perspective.

Buenos deseos,
Aquiles

P said...

It's good that you're being calm about this.

One thing I want to know is why you have to take your nail polish off during surgery? Someone else in the blogosphere got surgery recently and got into trouble for not taking hers off, and she didn't know why you had to take it off either...

Diana Mieczan said...

I really hope you will be fine...I will keep my fingers crossed!
Sometimes we all need time off...to relax and regroup! Enjoy your day and I cant wait to hear about wed:)
kisses my lovey:)

Melanie's Randomness said...

Oh P. The reason is that they make you take the nail polish off is so they can tell by the color of your nails how your doing if you passed out. If your the normal pink then your okay, but if your nails start draining of color then they know something is wrong.

Erika ~TiptoeButterfly~ said...

oh love - i'm wishing u all the warmest thoughts and well wishes!!!

*Hug*
Erika
~Tiptoe Butterfly~

tess said...

I think you're handling this all as well as you possibly can given the circumstances. it is tough to stay strong in these times, but you're rather strong here. I think your 2 weeks of evading the social scene sound like the best idea in years. good luck with it all!

Juliana said...

I freaking HATE that you have to go through this. I love your attitude and I will be hoping for the best. Been thinking about you a lot lately.

woodlandsblonde said...

Hi doll face, I hope the week goes by fast and your surgery is painless and successful!

I hope the boy is superrrrr sweet to you :)

Keep your head up and stay optimistic!!

I think you definitely need to take time to heal...I'm still learning how to take time for myself too - but I'm extremely TIRED! Dedicate 2 weeks to your own personal wellness...it's liberating :) I deactivated my facebook account for a couple weeks. Got to disconnect sometimes!

Kristin said...

You'll be in my prayers sweetie!

Bathwater said...

Don't forget a hand prescription of post surgery pain killers, there has to be some benefit to having surgery!

Ces't La Vie said...

good for you for preparing yourself for the surgery and trusting your doctors. you'll have plenty of time to post for us when you are recovering :) haha

xoxo
sara

Cafe Fashionista said...

I know that everything is going to be okay for you, Melanie. You are a wonderful person; and such a brave individual to be able to share these feelings with all of us.

Honestly, I don't blame you for feeling numb, or wanting to avoid people. Sometimes it is better to just allow yourself to go into a shell of sorts for a short time, just to clear your head and think things over. You are going to okay; and we're all here for you. :)

Dionne said...

I am sure it will go smoothly, I will make sure to pray for ya, hun. And these experiences always change you for the better (it gives you more strength and character), so proudly wear it, girl!

And that photo of the corseted woman in the tub is lovely!

Tights Lover said...

I thought I was the only one who loved the sound of heels on a ceramic floor!

I really, really, really am hoping all goes well for you with the surgery. It's brave of you to write about it all here, and just know that everyone is pulling for you.

For your sake, I do hope the next few days pass quickly and you can then begin to put this behind you.

Same Sweet Girl: Memoir of a Southern Belle said...

It's amazing how strong you are! You are an inspiration to everyone and I am so happy to have met you! :) A break sounds like an awesome plan and I hope you are able to take it!

p.s. I left you an award on my blog!

Platform said...

Love this photo. I drew a giant portrait of it once, still hanging in my home.

www.platformmag.net

Meghan said...

I will definitely be thinking of you on Friday. I think a two week vacay for YOU and the healing process is awesome - spoil yourself and do everything you want to do:)

Rachel {Inspiration in Italy} said...

Hi Love, I am wishing you bright days and joy ahead very soon! I think you are right in saying that negative things in life change us. They do strip us of some innocence and fresh outlook on life. However I do believe the saying that the challenges us make us stronger and utlimately a better person.

Be strong dear!
xxxx
Rachel

Sheri said...

I too really hope that everything goes well and when you get back home you should treat yourself to a nice spa day soon :)

Pop Champagne said...

I hope everything goes well with your surgery. You got my prayers. It will be over soon! *hugs*

OceanDreams said...

I hope your surgery goes well love, hang in there and now you have a fabulous date to look forward too, xo!

Heather Taylor said...

Best of luck with the surgery, Melanie. Taking two weeks after to heal sounds like a good plan. *Big hugs*

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