Thursday, March 25, 2010

I fall to pieces each time I see you again...


Ya know something? I was in Victoria Secret today(I actually couldn't find a bra that actually fit right, too) & I took a look at myself in the mirror. I don't have a full-length mirror in my home so I took a good look. I didn't see myself, but someone I don't think I'm liking. Somehow the past few weeks have made me look tired & haggard & about 5 pounds heavier in key spots. My eyebrows were furrowed so I could see a lil line in the middle of them, my lips were not smiling, & the darkness under my eyes was definitely NOT left over eye-liner. See I forgot something in these past few weeks. I forgot to actually do anything to better myself or make me like who I am.

I was reading all your comments about the Teddy Bear with a chainsaw, New Guy, & I realized that those bad things are actually really bad. It seems like there's anger to my words too. That's not good. I'm going to let time tell with this guy but unless he shows me some promising quality that isn't surface-like & see him not drunk then I will call the "NEXT" card.

Lately, I feel like I'm going through the motions & literally jumping from one scene to the next scene to the next movie, but how can you really enjoy yourself if the only time you get to breath & a moment to yourself is when your asleep?? You can't.


The one & only thing I did to better my life & make changes today was buy a lottery card. That seemed a lil sad to me. I've lost some of my drive to go get the new job, save the money for that apartment, my writer's group has been on hiatus so I haven't written, this guy seems like he's looking just for hook-ups wherever he can get them, & a few other things have me wanting to bang my head against a wall. What happened to me?? I think I'm forgetting to smell to roses & enjoy what I'm doing. I Have to get it back. Have to.

I feel like I'm falling to pieces inside from all of this from all sides & somehow holding it together to keep everyone happy. I gotta work on this. This weekend I gotta do something that I want to do...something that will make me smile. I don't want to sound self-fish but I really need to just sit back and chill. Maybe not do anything this weekend, maybe just sit & curl up in bed & watch TV? Maybe scrub off the make-up & go without for a few hours. Take my hair down & let the curls go wild. Leave the curls instead of straightening it....


Maybe I need to go on that train I hear everyday, every other hour?? Just escape for a lil from the world. The beauty of life is you can ALWAYS change your mind & change directions. I think I might be switching lanes....I think my sanity depends on it.

Sorry for the long post I just needed to say all of that. I'm not a follower but I seem to be just following the crowd, that's not like me. I need to get Me back. I'm going to try....Starting tomorrow....

Thank you Patsy Cline too for my favorite song too. "Fall to Pieces".

20 comments:

tess said...

You should probably get out now with the new guy. as charming as he sounds slightly, he also seems to have a lot of issues-mostly the hook up obsession and overly blunt habit. It also doesn't seem smart to start a relationship with someone who admits to having big trust issues. you've been hurt enough to begin with and you don't need someone who doesn't believe you on top of that. you really do deserve someone better, Mel.

911 and the Randomness.. said...

You can do it!!!! Wishing you all the chill time you need and a beautiful rose to smell. :)

Secretia said...

You can get right back up again after you fall to pieces...
I think you will, too.

Secretia

Meghan said...

I think recognizing all of this means you are ready for some changes! I totally agree - sometimes life gets so crazy and everything is the same day in and day out! I hope you get the time to stop and smell the roses and do things that make you happy!

Susan R. Mills said...

I hope you find the perfect thing to do this weekend.

Couture Millinery Atelier. said...

Oh, sweety, do not be upset with the reflection of yourself in the mirrors of Victoria Secret's fitting room. I personally believe that there is a conspiracy going on in the fitting rooms of most retail stores: every time you look in their mirror it is like looking at the worst nightmare of yourself. Do yourself a favor and invest in a beautiful full length mirror when you get a chance. A best investment I have ever made. :-))) Wishing you wonderful, beautiful weekend.:-)

Katy Mary said...

YOU are the most important person in your life right now Melanie! Definitely get you back, you deserve it.

angel6033 said...

First of all, thank you so much for always being so honest and real. You always share how youa re feeling with "us" and I really appreciate it. Usually when you write posts like this it makes me feel less lonely in my own feelings sometimes, but at the same time I wish I could be there to give you a hug or at least a much needed girls night out! I hope that you do take this weekend to be selfish, it's not a bad thing at all trust me we all need it from time to time. I hope you get to do something you really want let your beautiful hair down, and let that beautiful smile graze your face again! Here is hoping to a great and lovely weeeknd!

woodlandsblonde said...

It sounds like you need some warm weather and sunshine!

Remember... on earth as it is in heaven! Make the most of it :)

Go get a massage and have yourself a spa day....you can do a spa day at home too! They have all sorts of fun make-them-yourself products at home.

Kick back and relax, REST this weekend :)

Sounds like you give up too much time on these boys. Do something to better you....

Bathwater said...

You do sound off and maybe some time alone IS what you need I have a friend who needs her alone time; I need my alone time too. I just tend to go overboard and get to much.

Sheri said...

First - ::big hug:: I know how your feel compeltely - I was even in VS today too. Free panties ftw! (love those coupon cards) lol

Second - for writing inspiration, I always pick up one of my fun "self-help style" books by a fantastical woman who goes by SARK. Ever heard of her? Well, on half.com you can pick up her books for like next to nothing now and they are awesome. Seriously.

Third - maybe try not to worry about the guy thing so much right now but focus on the one thing that is constant in your life - you.

Hope some of that helps anyways :)

Sandy said...

Hey Mel. Sorry I haven't been around much and I'm coming in part way on this although Barry's been keeping me somewhat up to date. I was starting to feel a little overwhelmed myself so you know what I did? I started having bi-weekly mani-pedis and the weeks I didn't, I went in for a polish change on my hands 'cause manis never last all that long. Between the water and gardening and typing ... who knows where the polish goes ....
I highly recommend doing something good for you. Something that's ONLY for you, no one else. Whether it's a weekly manicure or just a couple of hours to disappear ... no phones, no email, no people ... just you ... it's been a life saver for me.
And yeah, from what I understand ... ditch the guy. You deserve WAY better than that!

Jennifer said...

Change is good! If you are looking the way you feel, and tired is the only thing that comes to mind, it is time to make a change and do something that makes you truly happy!

Sometimes we get in a rut or find ourselves in rut-like situations, but there is always a way out.

Good luck to ya'! I'm rootin' for ya'!

Christopher said...

curls are sexy

Eri said...

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I just came across your blog and really enjoyed it.

Please come and have a look at my page too.

I hope to see you soon.
x

Audrey Allure said...

That's great news, you SHOULD definitely do something for you and only you! I wish you the most amazing weekend!

Jennifer Fabulous said...

Everyone suffers a lapse in confidence at some point. I think its especially hard for women in their 20s...metabolism slows down, life doesn't exactly go the direction you planned, etc. It's frustrating. But I like your attitude and the fact you recognize that you WANT to change your life. That's a good sign and very motivating.

I think you can do whatever you set your mind too.

Plus, it doesn't hurt that you're gorgeous and incredibly smart. Those are always two nice assets to have when improving oneself. Makes things a little easier. ;)

Pixel Wild Child said...

Hello babe! don't be too hard with yourself, sometimes we need to make a mess out of ourselves, these are normal stages we have to go trhough until we find the balance again ;O)
And don't forget to eat fresh fruit and vegatables and lots of water for a scandalous skin and bright eyes with no black circles :O)

P said...

Aw hon . . . the more I read, the more I realise how alike me and you are. I hope you manage to get stuff sorted and if you think that this guy is all about the hook-up . . . get out unless you are sure you can handle that.

OceanDreams said...

I fall to pieces sometimes too, what matters is picking yourself up back again!

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