Thursday, March 25, 2010
I fall to pieces each time I see you again...
Ya know something? I was in Victoria Secret today(I actually couldn't find a bra that actually fit right, too) & I took a look at myself in the mirror. I don't have a full-length mirror in my home so I took a good look. I didn't see myself, but someone I don't think I'm liking. Somehow the past few weeks have made me look tired & haggard & about 5 pounds heavier in key spots. My eyebrows were furrowed so I could see a lil line in the middle of them, my lips were not smiling, & the darkness under my eyes was definitely NOT left over eye-liner. See I forgot something in these past few weeks. I forgot to actually do anything to better myself or make me like who I am.
I was reading all your comments about the Teddy Bear with a chainsaw, New Guy, & I realized that those bad things are actually really bad. It seems like there's anger to my words too. That's not good. I'm going to let time tell with this guy but unless he shows me some promising quality that isn't surface-like & see him not drunk then I will call the "NEXT" card.
Lately, I feel like I'm going through the motions & literally jumping from one scene to the next scene to the next movie, but how can you really enjoy yourself if the only time you get to breath & a moment to yourself is when your asleep?? You can't.
The one & only thing I did to better my life & make changes today was buy a lottery card. That seemed a lil sad to me. I've lost some of my drive to go get the new job, save the money for that apartment, my writer's group has been on hiatus so I haven't written, this guy seems like he's looking just for hook-ups wherever he can get them, & a few other things have me wanting to bang my head against a wall. What happened to me?? I think I'm forgetting to smell to roses & enjoy what I'm doing. I Have to get it back. Have to.
I feel like I'm falling to pieces inside from all of this from all sides & somehow holding it together to keep everyone happy. I gotta work on this. This weekend I gotta do something that I want to do...something that will make me smile. I don't want to sound self-fish but I really need to just sit back and chill. Maybe not do anything this weekend, maybe just sit & curl up in bed & watch TV? Maybe scrub off the make-up & go without for a few hours. Take my hair down & let the curls go wild. Leave the curls instead of straightening it....
Maybe I need to go on that train I hear everyday, every other hour?? Just escape for a lil from the world. The beauty of life is you can ALWAYS change your mind & change directions. I think I might be switching lanes....I think my sanity depends on it.
Sorry for the long post I just needed to say all of that. I'm not a follower but I seem to be just following the crowd, that's not like me. I need to get Me back. I'm going to try....Starting tomorrow....
Thank you Patsy Cline too for my favorite song too. "Fall to Pieces".