Hurricane Irene brought me a power outage and hours of me alone with myself. I honestly don’t know if that was truly all that healthy because all I did was think and I got so upset with everything that I spent an hour an a half crying in the dark by candlelight. It’s not as cool as they make it sound in the emo songs. Not at all.
In the past few weeks I’ve had some great moments with my boyfriend, that truly have made me happy. But then something changes or something happens and I get so pissed at him but usually I calm down. This weekend I could not calm down my anger. He said he was sorry but I couldn’t open my mouth to accept. We are starting to get a few elephants in the room that we are not talking about it and I’m starting to feel the strain. One elephant is religion. Yeah, didn’t see that one coming. We are seeing opposites on what we want our kids to be brought up as if we stay together even tho we both follow Christianity to some extent. Another elephant is that he’s too competitive and I just want to have fun playing. It isn’t fun when someone is beating you at the game constantly to the point where you can barely play back. Then there is the Wingman shit that I hate and he knows it. It truly is his friends fault that they want him to be a wingman because he’s a safe guy to do it cuz he has me, but somehow I don’t see it that way and I feel like an idiot letting him do it. One more elephant is that his friends are all single and I think he feels like if I come around it’ll cramp his style or the guys won’t call him cuz he’s not single or something along those lines. He made a quick comment that he doesn’t think I’m badass enough too that got under my skin. Even just these elephants are making it harder to breathe in my lil studio.
People keep telling me to march time in the relationship that it might just be a phase with him and even CJ himself said the hanging out in the bars with his friends is a phase but the phase has come back and I miss my boyfriend. I don’t want to have to occupy myself on Friday and Saturday nights or sit home the next night with him because he was out partying too much with his friends. I don’t care if I don’t see him at all during the week I just want to see him on the weekends because that’s when I feel most lonely in my life. Perhaps it’s an only child thing…the loneliness. It crept back into my life in the dark like a snake. The candles were not enough light to keep it at bay.
I’m torn by marching more time or telling him we have to talk about these things because it’s eating me up inside. I’m scared to talk about these things because I know it will tear us apart for a good. I’m hoping once again we are just having a “Pina Colada” song moment where we are losing who we are and need to remember we do like doing things together. I wanted to make plans to go to a NOFX concert that I know he loves but he was like “Meh”. Why meh?? He should be all up for it but he wasn’t. If it was one of his guy friends suggesting it, I feel like he would have been all gong ho for it. But not when I suggested it. Grrrr.
I’m going to see how this week goes and I guess march some time. Maybe I can get the power back on in my relationship as it eventually came back to my place. I hope…