Tuesday, April 5, 2011

But Baby Wanted 12...The "Moving In" Together Question...

Ever since I bought my condo there has been a question that has been plaguing me by tons of people. I bought the condo in the early stages of my relationship with CJ AND for long-time followers you know I wanted to get my own place way before I met him. It just happened that meeting a new guy & buying the condo was around the same time. But now it is DEFINITELY creating some gossip....

However CJ and I haven't even been dating a year. It'll be a year in May. I've always thought that at least a year is a good solid amount of time before big decisions should be made affecting the relationship. I know that isn't always the case for some people but for me it's been a guideline. Now CJ & I some nights play like we live together. He will come over to my place, stay over, we'll have coffee in the morning, he has a drawer I gave him for his extra clothes, I have a few big items of his already here like his video camera & Rockband, I always keep his toothbrush out, and I have certain foods I know he loves. From the beginning we've had a serious relationship but I think it's too soon to move into together...right?

In the down-time at the new job my mind is wandering and this subject is at the top of the line. Is it good to wait for marriage before you move in together? Is there a right time you should really be a couple before? Should we do real practice runs of it? Do we split everything down the line then? Is even talking about rushing it??? I don't know...I've never lived with a boyfriend before. It's a new chapter I know I'm going to have to encounter one day this year so I'd like to think ahead a lil.

I'd really love your thoughts on a Couple "Moving in" Together? What do you think?

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Celia said...

The two of you talking in a definite. As always I love that you are so open with your feelings. I think a year, is a good base line. Anything prior would send me running for the hills. :P

The Love and I were together for almost 3yrs before we moved in together (with his parents, something i said i would never do!), although that was only because my family lost our house due to Hurricane Ike. This past October we bought our first place together and have been together for about 5.5 years :) For us... this was a great pace. We needed to move slow. Extra slow. It's what was right for us.

I believe in living together prior to marriage. You know each other prior to moving in, but you REALLY get to know someone when you live with them. When you make decisions together.

As for the financials, The Love and I used to split everything 50/50. We'd go grocery shopping and switch off who paid. Or we would reimburse each other. Slowly he insisted that he wanted to take care of me, and has taken on the brunt of the financials.

I'm so happy that you've found such a great person, but you already know. Communication is your bestfriend in your relationship. Do what you feel comfortable doing, follow your heart, but listen to your brain. :)

As for others that like to "gossip", there's no need to explain yourself to them. They are not a part of your relationship. Tell them to mind their own. ;)

Dancing Branflake said...

I say take the moving in slow. Unless you know for certain you want to marry him and he knows he wants to marry you then don't move in. But hey, I'm the girl who knew she wanted to marry her guy within the first ten minutes of knowing him and we were engaged not so long after we started dating.

Claire Kiefer said...

I'm guessing CJ doesn't read your blog? ;) I don't know, I'm sure it's different for every couple. I'm similar to you in that I don't generally even think about the "big" stuff until it's been a year. But who knows!

Shannon said...

My personal belief is that it is imperative to live with someone before marrying them b/c only then do you fully learn who that person is. If you can live together happily and successfully, it's definitely a good step towards deciding if he/she is the one. Good luck!

Diana Mieczan said...

I think its a very individual thing. Balazs and I moved in together before we got married and that worked out great for us. We just knew that its time. I would say: dont worry about the "right time", just think how you feel and do what its right for you! Hugs and kisses, darling. Btw: How is the new job?

Ps: I’m hosting a super fun 3 winners GIVEAWAY today! Hope you’ll join in :)

avant garde design said...

hmmm, the only thing i can offer here is that i think it should be easy. if you feel easy, as in comfortable, around him, then it's something you shouldn't think about too hard. i guess what i'm saying is dont' fight bad things that aren't there. maybe it's all just good, and that's ok. does that make sense? anyway, trust your gut right now. :)

OneCraftyFox said...

Do whatever feels right for the both of you. Only you know what is really in your hearts.

Hunny and I moved in together after only 5 months. And we've had 5 and a half glorious years together since ;)

Little Ms Blogger said...

I've been married twice. With my first marriage, I lived with him 3 years before we walked down the aisle. We purchased items separately (I'd highly recommend that)in case it didn't work out. We were married for 12 years before it ended in 2002.

I got remarried in 2008. Met hubby in 2006, but refused to live with him prior. I have assets, he has assets (property) and I knew I didn't want to 'play' house with anyone.

It really is a personal decision, but I wouldn't add his name to your mortgage and I'd charge him rent if he does move in to cover room, board & utilities and then split the food bills.

If you're gut is holding you back from asking him, then listen to it. There's a reason why you're hesitant.

Carolina said...

omg, 500 days of summer...sucha great movie <3 .
i am hosting a rad giveaway, a BIKINI by an up'n coming desginer from Mexico! super easy & right on time for spring/summer! ^.^ xo

Bathwater said...

I think you need to live by yourself first, then decide whether you want to live with CJ before or after you get married.

Living on your own is an important step you don't want to forget.

Mo Pie, Please said...

There's no set time limit for when you should move in together but I will give you advice about it. My now husband and I waited a long while to live together, mainly because we were both in the party stages of our life when we began dating. He lived with 4 other guys in a big giant loft that had parties with live bands all the time. So moving in together at that point wasn't realisitc. After we'd been dating for 2 years, we moved in together. We took everything slow and it worked out really well. Not saying you need to wait a whole other year to move in, just odn't rush it. I think a lot of couples rush things and in the end it comes back to bite them. Just make sure you're both completely ready and if one of you isn't, then let them come around on their own, because they will! Good luck!

ag. said...

I really think this is something that is different for everyone. It really depends on your beliefs and your feelings and when you two together think it's a good time. I moved in with my (now) husband after 6 months of dating but we had been best friends for several years and it just worked for the situation. Personally, I'm glad we lived together before we got married because it allowed us to find some things out about each other and work through them together before we made a bigger commitment. Too each their own though! Don't let gossip or questioning push you into anything too fast...make sure it's what you really want!

Jennifer Fabulous said...

Great subject! And unfortunately, the answer is: totally depends on the couple. For some it works to wait for marriage, others it does not.

My best friend from college met a guy at a coffee shop and they spent the night together that night. The next day, they moved in. They have been living together for seven years now and are getting married in May.

My parents moved in together a week after their first date. Still married.

Here is a bad story: A coworker of mine (very Christian) waited until marriage to move in with her husband. After six months, they were so sick of each other and all the little pet peeves they weren't expecting and fights over nothing because of cramped quarters, they ended up getting divorced.

In my opinion, move in before marriage (only if serious though) and see where it leads.

Good luck! xo

OnlyAcHumen said...

Hey, I found you off the blog treader thing and I really like the stuff you write about, so this is just my introduction to you. Hi!

Anyways, as far for the moving in thing, I've done it twice and honestly it completely ruined my relationships. It makes things so much harder than they have to be. Plus I've read statistics somewhere that your chances decrease for marriage if you already live together.
Not trying to rain on your parade, and maybe it's because I'm bitter towards it from my own experiences, but maybe just having him stay nights more often is good.

In the end, it all depends on how you both feel about it after you talk. Good luck!

CAPow! said...

I have lived with two boyfriends: my ex and M.

I moved in with my Ex after we graduated college. We had been together for like...5-6 years, we practically lived together in college, always staying at eachother's apartments. When we moved in together it was fine. But, he was apparently never as serious as I was about our relationship. After living together for almost 3 years he out of the blue told me he wanted to get his own place...then said he wanted to break up.

With M, we moved in together after being together for a year. We've been living together now for almost 3 years. And it's been perfect. Because we are both totally honest with what we want and what our expectations are.

If you're thinking of moving in, talking about it is key. You need to know what he expects from you and vice versa. Everyone has their own quirks, and you both need to be willing to accept and adapt to each other's habits.

lil desiqua said...

I realize this is very late, but I had this same question prior to cohabitation.

My boyfriend and I had known each other and been friends for about a year before we were officially a couple. I had lived on my own (or with roommates) for about 3 years, and he had lived with roommates since he graduated college.

I'm a firm believer in the one year mark for major decisions, but we were only "officially" together for 8 months before we decided to move in together. I have to agree with soem of teh comments here- it definitely depends on the couple, and how you feel in the relationship, and being able to openly talk about these things. Things are defintely different living with a significant other!

Good luck!


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