Thursday, June 17, 2010

So this is what it's really like? Getting the Rose & the Thorns...


Something has truly been dawning on me lately & it's sad to admit but I have to face the music. I have NO idea what's its like to be in a true relationship. I keep asking myself lately, "Is this what's its like?" "Is this real?" "How could I have missed this?"...Okay I'll explain.

I have a new man in my life named CJ & he has completely turned my world upside down. I didn't know guys still opened the car door for you, gently caress your arm for no real reason at all except that they want to touch you, randomly hug you & kiss you just because there was a pause in the conversation, plan day trips to NYC where he can show you some of his favorite spots, tell you things like, "I wanna call you every lovey name in the book"...when your startled by the thunder hold you closer...kiss you so deeply that they are wearing your eyeliner. Guys still take girls on picnics & bring extra bread so you can feed the duckies...make you dinner by candlelight...download that movie you said you never saw...the list can go on for days...

However it's moving a lil too fast I think in an emotional way. I'm ready for a monogamous real life boyfriend but he has put so many ideas in my head about marriage, 3rd trimester stuff, being there for each other for the rest of our lives, meeting family, dividing up the holidays with family that I'm terrified for some reason of saying "I want to be your girlfriend." I told him I'm not ready yet to make the decision but I still want to see him. Its been a MONTH. That's it. The weight of what he wants from me because basically he has proposed to me in 50 words or less. I don't know what to do. I would want to be his girlfriend but I don't know in a month if I want to be his forever.


I actually fainted the other day while we kissed. It might have been that my blood sugar was low or something or it could have been the pressure of that this could be it. I'm 24 & he's 28. He wants to be married but...I'm not ready for marriage yet. I think I just want a boyfriend to be with & have fun with & maybe it'll turn into marriage down the line. He did say he wants to take things "One day at a time" but words have been said. I don't know if I love him yet or am gaga over him enough to be like "Okay I'm done your the one." Can anyone say that in less than a months time?

I'm a bit of a loss. I don't want to break it off with him because I like him, but I just fear that I'll hurt him too much if I say I'll be his girlfriend & then I wind up not wanting to marry him. I don't miss the ridicolous relationships I've had in the past, but I miss the lack of pressure for serious commitment. My world is upside down...I really need to right myself back up.

CJ & I are hanging out this weekend so hopefully we can sit down & talk through some things. I want to take things one day at a time & I'll be his girlfriend I just don't know if he's the one. All I can think of is Carrie with the Russian lately. She wouldn't settle for anything less than the butterflies...I want the butterflies & I don't know if I have them yet....I just got to wait and see. Wait & see...

But is this normal? Is it normal for a guy after 3 weeks to call you a PSO? Potential Significant Other? I'm freaking out a bit. My mind is just racing...racing too fast. I gotta get some sleep before the thunder storm hits. I promise to post tomorrow night.

28 comments:

Alicia said...

awww...the joys of relationship :) well i got married after only 2 months of dating, so to me, anything is possible! but as long as you are open and honest with how you are feeling i think you'll be ok!

Fashion, Art and other fancies said...

If you are not ready for Marriage then you Must say so. Otherwise it's so unfair to the young gentleman. I know it's flattering and all - but you really ought to tell him sweetly that: "I happy being your girlfriend, but I am unprepared to be your wife" - Look after yourself and I hope you are in less pain than before. XX

Claire Kiefer said...

Awww, things will work out as they should! It's crazy for someone to expect you to know if you want to marry them after one month, and totally okay for you to try a relationship and not know what the future holds. Follow your heart!!

Keith said...

Different people act different ways. I've had girls that acted that way, while others acted very distant after 6 months or so. I wish you the best.

Falling Up said...

hmm why don't you let him know that you're not ready to think about marriage just yet and want to see how things go with him before you guys can start talking about that stuff? I hope things work out for you. he sounds like a gentleman and I hope he sticks around and isn't in a mad rush to get married.

Couture Carrie said...

Take your time, darling, and let your heart guide you... Good luck!

xoxox,
CC

woodlandsblonde said...

COMMUNICATION! It makes relationships work - and if you're entertaining the thought you have to be HONEST with him. In a gentle way of course.

I think you can mention the fact that you like monogamous relationships and that you really are moving one day at a time. You can tell him that you really like him - but feel that things are a bit rushed. You can tell him that you're scared of marriage or a little afraid of commitment. That is what a relationship is all about - confiding in that other person and them understanding your point of view and going from there.

Just take your time but definitely tell him what page you're on! He's telling you where he's at without any objections from you. No one can read minds - you really have to tell him - just add some reassurance since you don't want to lose him!

P said...

First up, you definitely need to talk to him about how you feel, okay???

Secondly, just remember that there are so many ways that we all tackle and look at relationships. I have been with guys for month who have NEVER mentioned the C (commitment, obv) word. Then you get the occasional one who jumps right in there head first. I wonder what it would be like to meet one of those.

I'd probably feel exactly the same as you, were I in your situation. But if you don't speak to him about it, it's just going to become a bigger and bigger issue and then it will all blow up on you, so better to get it all out now.

Wow, I'm good at giving advice. Shame I can't take it!

SogniSorrisi said...

What I would tell him is exactly what you said here. You think he's great, you love the things he's done for you and the kind of relationship he's introduced you to, you want to be his girlfriend (I assume), but you have no idea if you want to marry him. If he can't respect that you need time to figure that out then that's not fair.

tess said...

Wow, this is intense. Melanie, I know you've been looking for a real relationship for awhile, but just because CJ is the first guy who is really willing to commit, doesn't mean that you have to stick with him if things become too much. I know you don't want to throw away something that seems so good right now, but if you do feel like he's pressuring you too much and moving too fast you need to sit him down and discuss both of your expectations for your relationship and see if they can ever align. If not please don't lead him on (and who knows maybe he is the love of your life, but how on earth would you know only a month into a relationship, I think it is a bit unfair on his part that he keeps dropping engagement hints after such a short span of time), but also don't compromise too much and find yourself stuck in this whirlwind romance and ending up engaged to a guy who you really don't love yet. Furthermore (wow that sounds so formal, and I really hope I'm not condescending here because what do I know) step back and look at CJ himself. Besides his chivalry do you like him as a person? Does he like you as a person? I guess what I'm getting at is do you really like each other or more of the idea of each other? Are you just a girl he hopes to marry or are you Melanie, the girl he hopes to marry? Similarly, is he CJ the great boyfriend or CJ the guy who actually treats you with respect? I just know that things are moving fast and you don't want to make the wrong decision, but do you two honestly care for each other or are you two fulfilling roles for each other? Don't get me wrong he seems like a great guy, but is the guy?

sorry if this came off as really presumptuous, as you know, I'm not particularly experienced, but this was just my thought after reading this post. Please don't take any of it the wrong way, you're a smart woman who follows your heart and I know you'll figure out what's best for you and for him. The fact you want to sit down and talk about this soon is a good step. good luck!

Diana Mieczan said...

Ohh honey, if you are not ready for it...that is ok...He seems like a guy who would understand if you would tell him that all this is moving little too fast, but you do care for him and you want to keep seeing him! Just that you need time....Believe me all this is normal:)
Kisses darling and have a great night...Sweet dreams:)

Michelle said...

Definitely tell him everything you wrote in this post! If you start seriously dating, you could get pressured into moving faster than you want and you'll regret that. Do things at your speed, regardless of how much he talks about the future or marriage or whatever. It's your life!

HISdaughter said...

The best you can do, is be completely honest about what you are feeling. If he's a great guy, he'll understand and slwo things down a bit so you have time to form a real attachment, and you can take time to decide if the butterflies are there, or if they ever will be :) HUGS!

Bathwater said...

It is normal for people to feel this way. The question is while these feelings continue? I would agree you want to slow down and keep things moving a a positive direct. It all sounds very fast to me.

Marriage is the biggest commitment of your life it shouldn't be rushed.

in company with sparkles said...

Thanks Melanie =)

Wow, CJ sounds like a breath of fresh air compared to what is usually encountered (that said, I live a very sheltered life and knew very few boys who weren't gentlemen. But even so, when I met Joel (my fiance) I was absolutely in awe. To this day I am so thankful for who he is and what he believes about relationships, which was even better than I expected).
Though I'm coming from a different worldview and mindset, I think that whether you do or don't stay with CJ, you need to communicate well, and I think that it is GOOD to have a definitive purpose to a relationship. I believe they should be headed somewhere, not only for fun and (eventually...) a broken heart. Even if you aren't ready to commit to be someone's wife yet (which you shouldn't without knowing them well!!), it can still be an intentional relationship...with the purpose of getting to know one another better to see if you would get married. You don't have to be engaged day 1, just have a plan day 1! And if it doesn't work out, it will still be a success because you will have reached the goal of knowing if they're the right person.

But I also believe that though butterflies are important (and totally part of love), love is based on commitment and not just emotion, so be careful with wanting a specific heart flutter, when love may creep more slowly and warmly.


Well, that got pretty long! I'm young and I've had a very different experience, but it was a blessed and successful one. I hope you didn't mind my sharing, even if you disagree =)

love,
Cait

Ally said...

i have felt that feeling. chillax. it's not abnormal. but the fact that you want to sorta take it slow IS normal! so definitely have this talk. tell him how you feel and enjoy every minute of the ride :)

FourthGradeNothing.com

OneCraftyFox said...

Ooh, the bliss of a new relationship is wonderful isn't it? I think only you can know how you feel and if that feels right. My hunny says when he met me it was love at first sight :) Five yrs later, we are still boyfriend and girlfriend. What can I say, we are in love but taking it at our own pace.

MarchMusings said...

I know people usually say this but it's quite true-"you'll know if it's right, because it will feel right". Hope that helps a little. Will be back to see how it went :-)

Simon said...

How dare you entice me with stills of one of my favorite movies! How dare!

Anyways, it's normal if you're a cavemen, with a Never Let Me Go-level lifespan. But, can't hurt, can it?

Best Kept Secrets said...

To me that's really fast. Every relationship moves at it's own pace, but you should have a choice in how fast that is. To me, those that fall in love fast fall out even faster.

Check out my blog sometime!

pumkyn said...

I don't really have anything new to say, I would just be regurgitation what everyone else has said.

I wish you the best of luck and the most happiness whatever your decision.

Midwestern Mama Holly said...

If youre not ready to get married, then by all means, dont! I did that with my starter husband. We lived together and the next step seemed to be marriage. I wasnt ready and can remember thinking while standing at the altar... "three steps and I could be out that door" I probably should have bolted at that time.
Doesnt mean you have to stop seeing the guy.. IF... he can go by the no pressure rules. Dont rule out what could be great.

Jennifer Fabulous said...

Wow, it sounds like this guy really is moving a lil fast! You have him so smitten, Mel!

Isn't it funny how you can go from one extreme to the next? First, a guy who gets cold feet at the thought of being in a serious relationship with you, and then right on to a guy who is wondering what the names of your kids will be. Hehe.

First, I just think you are lucky to have found such a sweetie. You deserved better and have it now.

But, you need to let him know that things are moving a tad too fast. Explain that you have never been in a real relationship before and you need to take things much slower. Tell him you want to enjoy a relationship. If it leads to marriage, then so be it. :)

Good luck with the talk. I hope he understands! xoxo

nycgirl0501 said...

Jump in!

Don't be afraid. Life is too short. If you don't you might regret it later. There is nothing worse than living with regret.

Besides its not like he's dragging you to go register at Macys or to the church to go talk to the priest. Guys out there usually shy away from meeting family, friends and just the girlfriend word. If he's this open so soon he may really like you so give him a chance.

Remember when Aiden made Carrie wait to have sex? Romance...it's easy to overlook these days. Enjoy it! Good luck!

Heather Taylor said...

Wow, he's already proposed!? That was fast! I have to tell you, in all honesty, listen to what your heart tells you. If you aren't ready, then he will understand and wait for you. I know everyone is different, but marriage requires some thought and time. It's a BIG step. Take as much time as you need and talk to friends and family for advice :)

CAPow! said...

I don't want to be a Debbie Downer, but let me tell you I was in a similar situation once. The third time I hung out with "s" he dropped the L Bomb (I love you)...by the 4th time we hung out he was saying he wanted to marry me. And I was overwhelmed. Things felt WAY too rushed. I ended up breaking up with him at around the 8 week mark. And he ended up in the hospital with a break up induced anxiety attack...
but only you can determine if he is a weirdo, or if this is your storybook romance. How do you REALLY feel about it? If it feels wrong and kind of creeps you out, then it's not right.

Amanda said...

This is so cool for you, I'm almost jealous! No, I really am jealous lol!

The great part is, there are no rules. There is no normal. It's whatever works for you. Tell him what you just told us...maybe in fewer words lol. Just be honest. If he means all the things he says he'll stick around whether you're sure right now or not.

angel6033 said...

I am happy for you and your new relationship, but all I can tell you is to follow your heart, if you feel it is moving to quick then back away, only go as far as you feel comfortable, but I so not think that you should break it off just yet :).

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