So I put on some tangerine lipgloss and answered the door...

It's amazing how change can bring about realizations of things you never noticed before even if its a small thing like a hand in a fist in a picture. Every time I used to take a picture with the Mess, my brown-eyed Mr. Big, he would put his arm on me but his hand with be in a fist on my shoulder. But for girls he met a moment before to pose for a halloween photo he would splay his open hand on theirs. A lack of consistency in moods or touches or names. One day he'd be all over me calling me baby and then the next day he'd be high-fiving me and calling me dude. He once cringed after I kissed him off guard. He never would go near me when I was near any of his friends...I was his dirty lil secret basically like that All-American Rejects song. But with CJ, I feel like I'm his.

He calmed down with the "Potential Talk" of marriage so this weekend we just enjoyed each other's company. He brought me to his friends house, introduced me to his friends, we chilled with his mom, made popcorn and watched a movie, and then just stayed there in his living room just enjoying one another's company. I'm starting to like him very much. When he kisses me, I feel like I'm being really kissed. When he says "I thought about u last nite" I can tell he's telling the truth. He takes my hand when we're walking, he opens my door, he wants to spend real time with me. I'm starting to get very used to it...


For some reason he doesn't make me nervous. He says he's nervous allll the time right before we hang out but I'm not. Maybe its because there's no drama between us yet. I'm not jumping at every phone call he gets or wondering if its another girl he's texting. From his actions I feel like he's being real. I haven't lied to him at all either. There's no reason too. I can just smile & laugh at his jokes and be there with him.

I hope this lasts. I really fucking do. I've been so lonely & the jerks I've met have taken a toll on me. I'm not saying I'm going to marry him or he is a full potential husband but I'm enjoying him so much & it feels good to be around him. My dreams are still full of that other idiot but its the same name Cj & the Mess have. My subconscious has to catch up to reality. It will, it'll just take time.


Probably the cutest thing he said to me was when I told him "I want to be Jessica Rabbit for Halloween". He told me he'd be my Roger Rabbit. I think that'd be awesome. hehe. I'm glad I met him. He's bringing out an affectionate side to me that I didn't even know I had too. I look forward to more time with him & our growing relationship. Maybe I'll have an official boyfriend soon. Maybe...

This week is going to be a long week because I have a huge project at work but its only 5 more days til the weekend. Can't wait. Til tomorrow...