The "One"...Not a Movie Reference....

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The one ring to rule them all, the one starring Jet Lee, the number one who wins at everything, the one who stays to the last call, the one....

There are many ones...but I honestly and truly think I've found the "One". Cj and I have been dating now a year & a half and the words slowly but surely slipped out of my mouth to my friend Debra the other day.

"He's the One". 

I said it out loud a few more times just because I loved how it sounded. I have never felt so happy lately and so in love with my boyfriend. The mini silences are no longer awkward, the simple caress of his hand on my cheek for absolutely no reason at all except to make me smile, the hours of dancing, yes dancing we will do when we go out where the world disappears for me, the "I love you" he says that ends every phone call, the desire to go out in the dead of night on Black Friday and be successful in getting him the exact Christmas present he wanted, the...everything. I truly am happy and ever so lucky.

Maybe it's because we are so much alike, or maybe because we are so different. It just clicks. I've never been more happy that he came back to that bar the second week to see if I happen to be still sitting on that bar stool. 

We are planning to move in together after the holidays and planning a vacation for the spring... I can't wait because there is no other guy I've been with that has made me feel so wonderful. I'm at my place and he's at his right now...I miss him tonight but I know tomorrow when I fall asleep next to him he'll hold me a lil bit tighter because he missed me too. Can't wait...

CJ & me <3

"Don't you know that your Toxic..."

However, I'm not quoting the same context of that oldie but goodie Britney Spears song.

I have a very toxic person in my life and it's honestly affecting the rest of my daily life and it can't go on like this.  The "The Devil Wears Prada"is a hint on to who it is, but even with freedom of speech there are subjects you can't go blabbing about online without thinking of the consequences. Someone left my life that I really trusted to show me the way...I've mentioned it sparingly here but as I've said, the result is affecting me all over the place.

I feel anxious and have come to the point where I fear asking a question. I've been warned of the sarcasm and a warp sense of humor but it is now ridiculous. I'm crying almost every day and there is a dull pain in my chest where anxiety is calling it home. I hope people don't ask me "How was your day" because I will start to rant about it and no one wants to hear it.  It's fine some days, I'm treated like an adult with half a brain, but other days it's feels so demeaning. I don't believe the demeaning comments, but it's wearing me down. If I hear "I'm sorry" from one more of my friends because they don't know what else to say I think I'm going to snap.

I wish I could just dress more fashionable and play the game but it's going to work off the giant movie screen. I've tried to listen and learn but under the pressure of it all it's really difficult. The fake smile and the child-like answers and questions are big chunks of ice and I don't have an ice pick to break through it.

BUT I'm not giving up. I've tried taking it from this person because of her position above me but I have to fight back. It may cost me more than I can afford to lose right now but something has to change. I have to stick up for myself. Cj is right. I have to bring order to the chaos...Yeah....

Order to Chaos...

I miss my smile. Everyone does...It needs to come back. It will...Starting tomorrow I have to remember this crying, anxious girl is not me. I'm better than this, and I can do my job better than the girl before me did it. I will show them they hired the right person and just because I'm asking a question doesn't mean I should be treated like this and/or that I wasn't taught something doesn't mean I'm dumb when I struggle.

Tomorrow is a new day and I'm counting on it...


Til Tomorrow...